My Friend And I Think I Should Change Therapists

[Iyllsa]

My friend has mentioned this to me before, in the past, and I think I've thought about it myself. I'm not sure and I guess I kind of feel bad about it.

I guess there were some red flags I consciously ignored because I was so desperate to get whatever help I could get.

Before I say anything I do want to say this therapist has been really helpful. Before I went to her I never knew that what I felt was anxiety, that I had compulsions, I thought I couldn't possibly have PTSD but now I see I do. She is now trying to help me with resources and we're talking about medication again. She's writing up recommendation letters.. All very helpful compared to what I had before which was nothing.

The reason my friend thinks I should change is because she thinks my therapist ins't listening to me, which I agree with. My friend sees me getting worse, at first I noticed but I became blind to it. I looked back at old conversations, old things I've said and I see it slowly getting worse.

My therapist thinks I'm getting better because I can now label things like dissociation, paranoia, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, etc. I definitely do think that's an improvement!

The issue is now that I'm getting really depressed now. I saw it get worse and worse over time to the point that now I'm wanting to disappear every night. All day I think about how I'm not wanted, people wouldn't care, etc.

My therapist believes I'd notify her during a crisis, which I think is total bull. There was a point where I had a plan and I didn't tell her. A month later did I tell her the plan, which as intricate, and she still says I'm not depressed and I'd tell her if I was in a crisis. I know this is mainly my fault that I won't rely on my supports, but I've been with her for about a year now.

I think sometimes that it may be because I don't cry in therapy. I never cry in front of anyone really except for once in front of my friend which was when she was crying and depressed. I'm smiling and light in therapy. Bubbly, appearing like I don't care..

I feel like my therapist is okay if you're not too depressed, but maybe can't handle people who are very serious?

I've also told her about my new symptoms and she stills presses the fact that "I've improved." I've told her that I've lost time to dissociation which used to be a rare occurrence. I'm now waking up to panic due to nightmares and I become confused. That used to happen only once or twice every few months. I understand that things will get better as I pry open old wounds so I'm not surprised or caught off guard. I feel like my therapist isn't listening to what I'm saying and it's like she won't believe that I'm suffering unless I've already gone and killed myself.

I'm not sure what to think. I know this is partly my fault because I have a hard time telling her the really bad stuff, which I tell to my friend. Or it take some longer to open up to my therapist. There are definitely some things that were really heavy that I told my therapist first before my friend, like the suicide plan. But I just feel kind of annoyed that despite what I've opened up about, my therapist still thinks I'm "mildly depressed" here and there. Last night I was having a rough night and my friend encouraged me to text my therapist, and so I did. She got back to me in the morning and said, "It's normal to feel sad when it's a holiday," but I didn't even know it was a holiday and I've been feeling this way for the past few months, which I'm sure I made clear about. I don't know..

My friend suggested I ask if she can join me with my next session so my friend can explain to my therapist what she sees in me, but I don't want my therapist to possibly get upset that I ask about brining my friend and I don't want her to think we're ganging up on her. I don't know who to trust and my friend sees things clearly than I am at the moment. I don't know what to do.

 

[Suzetig]

If you don't tell her she won't know. I do think telling her about an intricate plan well after the even suggests suicidal ideation rather than an attempt. Why does she think you're doing better if you're clear you aren't.

To be honest I tend not to talk to my friends about the work I do in therapy both because it's private and because everyone has an opinion about what should or shouldn't be happening in therapy and I need to be able to work out issues in my relationship with her between her and I. I would never ask a third party to come in to my session - I can see that's it's helpful sometimes for couples but I wouldn't ask a friend. Can you give you T what you've written here to discuss with her?

 

[joeylittle]

Agree with @Suzetig

Also, @Iyllsa - you posted so recently about being concerned you are over-involved with your friend. I'm certain that if I went through your posting history, I would not find many threads - started by you - that are not about your friend. I might not find a single one.

If you want to bring your friend to therapy, go ahead. It doesn't matter what the therapist thinks about it; they've also told you that you listen to your friend too much, so who knows, they might welcome the opportunity.

If you stand a better chance telling this therapist what is really going on with you because you've spent time with her and know her - then I'd say stick it out another few months, with the express purpose of challenging yourself to disclose your real problems to her.

I'd suggest starting a trauma diary here, and using it to write about things that you are having trouble talking about. Writing can help bridge that gap, make it a little easier to bring those things to therapy.

But: if in your mind, you've decided this therapist is too much work for you - then start looking for a new one. Get one who has training in a specific trauma modality, who believes in therapy having a purpose - in other words, a start point, and a goal, and an end point - and is willing to push a little harder.

I believe you are seeing your psychiatrist soon - yes? They usually have good recommendations, especially if you can be clear about what you are prioritizing. I think trauma work and attachment work would both be quite relevant for you (just based on my observation of what you post here - I know I don't really know you in a three-dimensional way).

 

[Nessa7]

Have you considered writing something for your therapist to read? If you try to say this in writing, your vocal tone and body language aren't a factor and can't send mixed messages.

 

[qwyoey]

Are you familiar with triangulation? I wonder if you could improve your relationship with your therapist if you took a break from talking about therapy with your friend.

 

[Fayne Jane]

My friend has mentioned this to me before, in the past, and I think I've thought about it myself. I'm no...

Look if you are not honest you are wasting your time in therapy.

 

[Iyllsa]

Look if you are not honest you are wasting your time in therapy.

I'm not lying to my therapist. I do tell her when I'm feeling depressed and I tell her when I'm getting suicidal, but it's difficult for me to make my tone and body language match my serious topic.. I just can't do it. It's natural, for me, to appear calm and collected as a front because that's what I've had to do for my life growing up and it kind of continued on for the rest of it. I've told my therapist this and it felt like she disregarded it.

I also was honest with her about how I saw her and other people, my thinking process, and all that. I was worried it may have offended her but she just used her typical response of, "it's all normal."

 

[Iyllsa]

Are you familiar with triangulation? I wonder if you could improve your relationship with your therapis...

No I haven't, but I will look it up. :)

I have tried to not tell my friend what happens in therapy.. in the beginning I told her because she wanted to make sure I was bringing up the right topics and that the therapist was a right fit. Then it ceased and I would simply tell my friend, "It was good/okay/ehh/etc." Sometimes I wouldn't tell her at all, and she doesn't poke.

But she started to notice I was getting worse in my health and she just suggested she mentions it to my therapist, which I did, but my therapist thinks I've been improving.

I think this whole issue thing came up ever since the whole eating disorder thing and now my suicidal thinking. My friend was telling me about how she interacts with me more and would see more of me than my therapist, and so I should tell my therapist what she is seeing.

Now that I've gotten to the point of feeling suicidal it's made my friend desperate, which I know is kind of my fault for putting all of the pressure on her. I didn't intend to, but I let myself listen to her when I probably shouldn't have.

I normally wouldn't tell people about my therapy sessions, but I guess because I feel close to her I kind of just tell her anyways when I'm really feeling like venting or something.

Have you considered writing something for your therapist to read? If you try to say this in writing, yo...

I will give this a try when I can muster the courage.. I try texting to her when I'm really feeling upset, sometimes my friend has to really encourage me to text my therapist..., but then my therapist ends up calling which I know it's so she can make sure I sound okay, but I do sound okay and so I feel like it's not a good measure for her.. but again I know it's for her to make sure I'm like in a safe place or something.

If you don't tell her she won't know. I do think telling her about an intricate plan well after the eve...

I typically wouldn't tell a friend, but this friend I speak of is a really really close friend of mine. I know people always say, "Friends are like family," but she really feels like family to me. Her and her family feels like they've taken over the negative experiences that I've had with my own parents/family.

My other friends, that are not as close, they don't even know I have a mental illness.. they don't even know I get sad at all or have low confidence. I'm really not a big one on opening up to people, really.. and my friend is the very first person I've opened up to. So I guess it's a bit of a challenge for me to know what's too much and what's too little.. especially with this friend of mine who, almost every day, encourages me to be open with her.

I don't tell my friend absolutely everything that is mentioned in the sessions (besides I have terrible memory.) but I only do if something was brought up that confused me or slightly irked me. I do try and tell her that my therapist has helped me with a lot of stuff.

 

[Iyllsa]

If you want to bring your friend to therapy, go ahead. It doesn't matter what the therapist thinks about it; they've also told you that you listen to your friend too much, so who knows, they might welcome the opportunity.

You're right, I forgot that my therapist did.

I believe you are seeing your psychiatrist soon - yes?

Yes that's the plan and I was able to remind my therapist about it yesterday so she'll be sending me links..

I know I bring up my friend a lot on here and it's mainly because if she brings something up and I'm unsure, I go on here to try and get an outside point of view because I know that both my friend and I are so close and glued in together that we probably can't get a good view of the situation.

When I initially typed this up it was almost right after my friend suggested I change therapists and I was feeling really depressed and desperate, but now that I've given it a day or so to think about, I don't think I'll change therapists since she is being so helpful with me progressing in my treatment.. I also don't want to go through having to find a new therapist and all that, to be honest. I'm already starting to feel a bit comfortable with this therapist and I know changing will be difficult for me. I don't handle change well.

I see myself and I watch as I try and get validation from other people because I doubt my own thoughts and don't have confidence in my own decisions, which I know needs to be ended. I think it's because that now I'm really going through a hard time with depression and all of these pressures and stresses that I know my thinking is distorted so I'm looking for some sort of reality checker, and my friend is the easiest to access because she's right there. I find myself pathetic, really, that I have to feel validated by my friend. I didn't have to do that when I wasn't so depressed, but now I do and I don't really like it. It makes me feel weak that I'm having to rely on her so much and less dependent. I tried to stray from her but then I noticed things got worse, especially when physical interaction lessened greatly which I think is what really kicked my mood down, worsening my depression and stress levels.

I don't interact with many people, or at least not on the same level as my friend. I don't have many friends I interact with and I know face to face interaction is important, but I find that difficult and I know that's a contributing factor..

If I feel I need to change therapists and it continues on for a long time, then my plan is that once I get medication and I've stuck with this therapist for some time, and I still want to change, then I will. But for now I'm thinking I'll stay with this therapist and continue rolling the ball, I guess.

 

[qwyoey]

You can still be doing badly but also improving. These things do not exclude the other.

Have you considered doing something more intensive than individual therapy? Like inpatient or an intensive outpatient day program?

 

[Iyllsa]

You can still be doing badly but also improving. These things do not exclude the other.

Have you consi...

Outpatient work is preferable but I also have a busy schedule that needs to stay somewhat flexible for my work.. Do you have an idea how outpatient work would be like?

I considered group therapy for a while mainly to connect with others and get social interaction into there.. but it never really got sparked and I didn't follow through. The idea of group therapy now does not seem too nice to me.

 

[kilted]

If you have a defence of always trying to look calm and collected, and you say your body language doesn't match the emotion you feel or the situation you are talking about it seems natural that an outsider will see you as getting worse when you begin to express more of how you are feeling, both verbally and through your body.

This could be quite alarming for a close friend, but your therapist will probably regard it as a normal part of the process.