Sufferer My Introduction - Ptsd From Abusive Childhood

[Silmarillion]

Hi community, I am Silmarillion and this is my introduction. I was in the process of writing a pseudo-life story but gave up to write this shortened (you wont believe me) version for your sake.

Anyways, I am a 22 year old guy suffering from memory issues, intense anger, social problems, learning issues and just a general contempt for humanity and my life in general. I have been searching for what was wrong with me for the past 4 years to no avail. I just recently put two and two together and found out that I have PTSD.. I am self diagnosed so far but have a psych evaluation day after tomorrow for the official news. As a kid I was diagnosed ADD/ADHD and went through all kinds of therapy only to have my childhood trauma completely ignored in favor for the ADD route.. what a crock of shit I know.

So here I am at 22 years old ready and willing to die and I have a sister who I love more than anything, tortured by the same issues that I am. We are pretty sure the cause is our (ex)step-dad who beat on me and my sister and most likely raped/molested us. I do not remember 95% of anything that happened more than 2 days ago and everything in my memory is just in disorder, so we can't really recall if he did or not because the memory is repressed. I only have certain bits and pieces, a time when he threw me into a room and I blacked out/woke up with different underwear on and other weird stuff.

My mom is also a PTSD sufferer and was pretty much a complete psycho all throughout our childhood, most definitely contributing to our ongoing issues now. I am posting on this forum mostly because I am seeking support and some help or suggestions as to what I need to do to get better. My sister who I love and would die for instantly if it even gave her a chance to get better, and I made a promise to each other not to kill ourselves but I can't help but think about doing it to just escape this agony. Even if I do get better, there is no permanant cure for PTSD so I am still screwed in the long run as far as I am concerned. What sucks is that I can't blow my brains out because I know if I do, my whole family will be left in my wake to pick up the pieces and then both my sisters and mom will be haunted by it forever. I am pretty much just suffering through the days at 22 years old trying to figure out how to fix this problem. Is there anything that I can do to work on these issues? I have been reading about PTSD a lot lately since last week when I checked out the symptoms and found that they match everything I have been experiencing since I was young, but never noticed until I was cognisant enough for self-reflection.

I want help, my sister wants help. The odds just seem insurmountably against us. I can't work a job because I am not able to pay attention and f*ck everything up, or do crazy things and get fired, or quit because I can't stand how people look at me after they know me a little. I am unable to form new friendships anymore because of how socially awkward I can be at times (not all the time) but that is the worst part.. I can never be consistent in anything that I do, and I feel like no one in my life really truly understands what is going on or even really cares if they did know, except for my sister whom is in the same screwed up position. I want to die but I am afraid of what happens afterwards.. what will my family do? I want out of this and even if I get better I still feel like I will hate who I am. Everything feels so pointless but I just want to get better for my sister. I look forward to reading more on these forums in the future.

Thanks for reading.. I am sorry for the wall of text I just put you through but I had to get some of this out.

 

[atthree]

I found this is the perfect place to reflect and thank you for sharing. I too have repressed memories and reading post here has triggered some of mine.

 

[katiekat]

This site has been a help to me because I can read that other people understand my struggles, and I can post about things I haven't seen discussed yet and it brings so much relief and clarity to my life. I hope you are able to find this site helpful as well. Welcome, you are not alone :)

 

[Seasounds]

Welcome, and thank you! I'm sorry for your misery. Sharing my story has helped, also.

If it helps, I was in a similar place, in my twenties. When all of my memories came to light, after I left home and went to college, it was a very overwhelming experience, without the skills to deal with them. As I gained skills of emotionally processing and grounding, my goals of finding peace and healing became a reality.

Working with professionals, finding the modalities that uniquely work for you, along with time and patience, will help, a lot.

Hang in there, and keep in touch with the forum.
I hope you find support here!

 

[Everhopeful]

Welcome Silmarillion. You will get compassion and support here from others who have been exposed to similar trauma.

You and your sister sound very close, having been through painful things together. It is a strength that can serve you both, that there is someone who bears witness on your life and loves you and has your back when things get unbearable.

Wishing you both strength on your healing journey. Can you get some professional support where you live? Like social security if you do not have access to private medical help? A trauma therapist specialising in Complex PTSD, and related issues of trauma and abuse will be the best bet right now if possible.

 

[Wakemeupwenitsallova]

Welcome! Your sister has an amazing brother and I bet she would die for you also! I'm sorry to hear how you both (and your mother it seems) have endured such trauma, however just sharing your story here shows how strong you are! I too am unsure exactly if I was I fact molested/raped as most of my memories are repressed also, all I have are one or 2 blurred memories, however I have very strong feelings of fear, crying and wanting to hide by myself away from everyone from the age of about 2 or 3.

Since finding this group and seeking medical help I have come from the exact dark horrible place you are in now...to a place where I am 'almost functioning' (lol) in the real world and actually have set goals which I am working on! One of them being becoming a Heavy Vehicle/Diesel mechanic which I have wanted to do for a long time and which for a 34 year old female is going to be quite tough!

What I am trying to say is ...even tho right now you would rather not be alive and feeling only pain...there is part of you wants to live and 'survive' because you wouldn't have found us, and that part of you will become stronger and stronger and eventually you will wake up with goals also!
I hope I make sense lol this is the first welcome note I have written.

Good luck @Silmarillion ...I look forward to seeing ur progress :)

 

[Mercy]

Welcome. It is good that you found the forum. There is a lot of support here. People here have pulled me out of the pit many times. SI is all used to I think about. Now my SI has reduced quite a bit. Myself worth has changed with time and Therapy and the caring concern of the people here. There are themes at the forum that address Suicidal Thinking and depression. On the good side for you is that you have identified and are able to put your sense of who you think you are in words. That is a big step in the right direction. Being 22 also is a blessing since you will have the time in therapy to learn coping skills and relieve some of the inner pressure. While trauma is branded within us, we can learn how to become relatively stable people. The best way to deal with flashbacks is to identify what your triggers are and defeat them one by one.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Silmarillion,

Welcome to the forum!

Sometimes living can "feel" so bad that life itself is overwhelming, but the important thing to focus on is that how it "feels". The thing is, with therapy, recovery, and healing how you "feel" about life can change dramatically. Get the help you need and life will change.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Silmarillion]

Thank you to everyone who responded, I appreciate all the words of support and encouragement. I am sorry that you all must experience what I do on a daily basis.. and for some I am sure it is much worse than mine. I can't help but feel hopeless.. even though I am young and have all the time in the world. Currently I have been unemployed since the only good job I have ever had laid off nearly all their employees leaving me without a job and collecting unemployment. I became comfortable in my depression and didn't want to go back to work to face the scrutiny and judgement of others.

Now I am about to run out of my benefits and the time has come for me to find a job again and get back into the world, but I can't help but feel I am just destined to find another job and fail once again wasting my time. I am going to see a psychiatrist today who can hopefully help me and maybe I can get on disability for a while while I try to figure out some tools to cope with this disorder. Then again I am worried that I now have an employment gap and if I even get back to work how will I be able to get ahead in this way.

Is anyone here on disability? I am afraid I will wait for months just to find out I was denied and I do not like using my PTSD as a crutch or excuse to receive money. However, I feel like I am just not capable of handling all the stress and worry that accompanied me when I had a good job and my own apartment and tried to date etc etc.. it is all just so stressful. Any information on disability or where to go from here are greatly appreciated. Thank you!!!