My Kid

[Rumors]

This is a really tough subject for me...
I have a great kid. The best actually. He is kind, considerate, respectful, and just an all around good boy. So today he had a check up with his doctor. He is never sick so we only see her once a year. As she wrapped up she asked if there was anything my son needed and he said "can I ask you a question or two" of course she responded "yes." He then began to tell her that his dad never spends time with him and that he isn't interested in him and doesn't love him. He tells her how active I am in everything like teaching him to ride a bike and taking him everywhere and doing things just for him. He cited a current instance where I did something special just for him that I had approved with his dad but all of a sudden he changed his mind and it isn't ok so he jumped me over it and has just been relentless in his verbal tongue lashings.... Well, my kid hears it and knows that I am getting smacked down by his dad for doing something that was really supposed to be fun for him. So he tells his doctor that I get into trouble for doing things for him and his dad yells at me so he doesn't want me to do anything for him anymore so that his dad won't be mean to me. <<insert lots of crying at this point by both his doctor and I>> I am not a crier.... I don't usually get emotional.... But seeing my kid hurt bc his dad doesn't spend time with him and bc he yells at me rips my heart out.... Totally.
I was incredibly proud of him for saying that out loud. How freaking brave! He was so compassionate and well spoken. He wasn't angry or disrespectful towards his dad. He just expressed how badly it hurt him. He told her everything he knows is because of me..his mother... And how thankful he is for me... Shit....
He said lots more but in a nutshell that sums it up.... So, do I talk to his dad or let him do it? His dad will likely NOT receive it well and blame me for his thinking. I spend a lot of time with my kid. I invest in our relationship. That is something his dad doesn't do...ever.... In any case, I am crushed for him. I cried in her office. Never done that before.... Ever... But in all of that she was kind and gracious and even shared a story from her childhood and cried. Humanity can sometimes amaze me and humble me in one breath.... The greatest part of my day is when I can do something for my son... Period. I love doing things for him, with him, and about him. He is the best thing I have ever done...EVER!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What you said about how your son feels about his dad is so very sad. I am sorry that both of you have to deal with the neglect etc on a everyday situation.

I am so glad that your son was able to talk to someone about how he feels. I am proud of you for being such a great mom.

How would your husband react to a request for some type of family counseling or just to get your son in his own therapy to learn how to cope with how he feels?

I wish you the best in finding a solution where your son gets the attention he needs and for your husband to get off of your back.

 

[Rumors]

He would say that our son doesn't need it and sweep it under the rug.... Then he would blame me for his thinking and tell me I allowed this or perpetuated it...

 

[Casey_03]

Awww, this just made me tear up! I think you should let your son talk to his Dad -- for one because I think it might really drive home to his Dad that he's hurting his own son with his behavior (whereas if you talk to him, he'll probably just dismiss everything you say), and two because I think it will help your son as well. If he's brave enough to say all that to a doctor, I think he's ready to say it to his Dad, and he deserves the chance to see his Dad's reaction. Sure, you might be blamed for your son thinking this way, but both you and your son know it's not your fault, and that's how he really feels. If his father is so immature as to not be able to recognize and respect his own son's feelings ... that's his problem. Your son should get a chance to express himself. But you should obviously be prepared for blowback. You should be proud that you have such a compassionate son -- you're clearly doing something right.

I must also thank you for sharing this for my own selfish reasons, because I have a 2.5 month old boy, and though he's too young now, I often wonder if he will really appreciate everything I do for him while his father is absent. This gives me hope that he will.

 

[scout86]

So, what's the matter with your husband? Serious question. My mother was kind of like that, but she probably had a personality disorder. She wasn't capable of "getting it" because of the way her brain was wired. So, I'm wondering, does your husband love his son? Does he want to have a real relationship with him? If he does, he'd best work on his stuff NOW, before it's too late. This is totally based on my own life. I wouldn't recommend your son be expected to confront his father with all this himself. No kid deserves the smack down that will probably result. Better the kid get some help now, to get comfortable knowing his father doesn't love him because he's not capable of it, not because your son is somehow lacking. Sounds like a great kid! And I might be basing this too much on my own experiences. I don't think it would be fair to expect the kid to have to be the one to confront his dad. Could the doctor do it? And make the suggestion of some kind of family therapy? How your husband reacts too that would tell you something.

 

[Silver.]

I couldn't have worded it better @scout86
I also don't think it's your sons job to confront him, he's just a kid (and a great one at that)
scout has said everything that I was thinking, some good info to think about

 

[shimmerz]

I wouldn't recommend your son be expected to confront his father with all this himself.

Agreed. If your son recognizes the pattern enough to tell the doctor he is willing to give up his time with you so that you don't get smacked down, then I think your son shouldn't EVER be put into the same position.

Myself personally? I would tell my son that some people are worth getting smacked down for and he happens to be one of those people and just carry on. But that is me. And that line of thinking has gotten me in some pretty un-pretty situations. My kids though were always worth it and they knew it.

 

[Rumors]

My husband grew up in a completely dysfunctional family. They were crazy. His mother would tell him if he didn't come to her house immediately she would disown him or cut him out of his inheritance. I personally would have said "fine" but money is important to my husband. He loves his son but he just sucks at showing it and he isn't equipped to have a healthy relationship with anyone. However, he thinks it is everyone else that has a problem and not him. I think the only reason he keeps me around is bc I do everything logistically in our family. EVERYTHING! if I ceased being of benefit or I were to get sick and not be able to function, I swear he would kick me to the curb! But, I think he loves his kid. I hope anyway.
I definitely do not want to put my son in a scenario to have his dad beat him up emotionally for the way he feels. He is such a great kid and full of warmth and compassion. He just wants to be loved. I spend my time trying to be 110% to him bc his dad is not present.
I can tell you this for sure.... I work to be a better person so that I can be a better mom. I go to therapy so that I can be the best mom I can be. I read crappy self help books so that I can learn to communicate with my son. I work hard on myself so that I can be the very best mom I can be to him. He is worth every second of time I spend making things better for him. He doesn't deserve a dad that doesn't work as hard to make himself better. He is a great kid... Great.
I thought I would tell his dad to make an appointment to go see his pediatrician and ask her what was said. That way it won't come from either one of us. He will accuse me of dramatizing and then blame me for what he thinks. I am afraid he will take it out of my kid. Sucks. I have not slept since this happened and have just been sick. However, I am so proud of him for speaking up. I grew up with secrets and no way could I have ever done what he did. He is brave beyond his years.

 

[Abstract]

It sounds like you have a wonderful son and it sounds like you are a good and dedicated mother. Lots to be proud of for both. No mean feat if you have had your own things to deal with at the same time.

I do think Scout makes a really good point about what your husband is capable of and what he isn't. I know that has helped me. It's not so much about what is right and wrong in my opinion as that is a separate discussion. Its rather a matter of what is likely to work or not work. Regardless of the cause for his issues. If everything tends to be about him and how it effects him then confronting never tends to work with people like that. It depends on how unwell he is. If that is his nature then its usually just best to work frantically on boundaries and distance.

I think that sometimes people can love the best they know how but that love is not what a healthy person would recognise as love. Those on the narcissistic end of things "love" as a reflection on themselves and as it suits them or gives them gratification. The more individual someone tries to be (children growing up tends to be a real problem) the more the true nature of their "affections" tends to come to light. And rage and everything else pops up very quickly. Not sure if this is a tendency for your husband or not. If so they tend to potentially produce co dependent children so you don't want your child feeling too responsible for everyone's emotional well-being.

The situation you find yourself in and your son finds himself in is heartbreaking.

 

[scout86]

I think you've hit on a good course of action. You might even try to set it up so the pediatrician asks directly to speak to your husband, if she's up for that. If he loves his son, that means a lot, I think. He may not be good at showing it, but, if the love is there, and he can understand that his son needs to know it, maybe there's a chance he can work on himself. (If he works at it at least a fraction as hard as you do, it should be huge.) Good luck to all of you!

 

[claroscuro]

Good job raising such a courageous young man. Your work to be a great mom to your son shows.

I agree with those who said not to have your son discuss this with his father on his own. I was placed in just such a position with my father (a narcissist), and his response (which included laughing at me) to me was crushing. He never showed any interest in being considerate toward others' feelings before this incident, so I don't know how my mother and therapist thought that was a good idea.

I'm reading this as your son sees himself as responsible for his father's actions toward you, and I think it's important that he understands that is not the case. I don't think telling him that he is worth whatever his father does to you, as that implies responsibility on your son's part.

When kids don't understand why things happen they form their own narratives to make sense of it. It is a difficult task, but it will likely help your son if you can explain to him why his father is so distant toward him. A difficult task because you don't want to create a negative image of his father, as that will likely come back on both of you once it becomes apparent to the father. I do read emotional abuse here, and I think helping your son understand his father's actions will benefit your son in the long run. I don't have any advice on how to approach his father about this to affect a good outcome, but through my own experience I'd say rather focus on strengthening your son's coping by way of understanding.

 

[Rumors]

@Abstract
You described my husband exactly. It was like you jumped in my head and wrote what I was thinking.
@claroscuro I probably wasn't clear enough to say I told my son that his dad being mad at me has absolutely nothing to do with him and assured him it was poor communication skills on our part. I told him I loved doing things for him and with him. I feel like he left there knowing that he wasn't at fault but I think I will relive that again.
The LAST thing I want is for my son to be co-dependent or feel responsible for his dad or I. EVER!!! I grew up like that and I don't ever want to pass that on to my kid. My dad drank a lot and my mom was perpetually depressed and I always felt like I had to run between them to keep the peace all the while I was hiding that I was being molested by a family member(s). There is NO WAY IN HELL I am going to let my son feel like that.... I am going to talk with him today about feeling responsible for taking care of me or my feelings. Not his job... I tell him all the time his job is to make good grades, eat well, sleep enough, and love life.... That is it... Everything else is just fluff... My goal is that he is strong enough to overcome what ever his dad does or doesn't do. As well, his dad has some pretty significant health issues that could be life ending and there is some anxiety there that time is slipping away.. We have a great core group of friends that circle around him and spend tons of time with him and do a lot for him and take an interest in his life. I am completely grateful for that. It doesn't take his dad's place but it does fill a void. As well, I talk to him often about being grateful and recognizing the good things we have together and how we can grow from those. He likes that because he thinks people in general focus too much on the negative. He is wise beyond his years.
Thanks all for the input. I have struggled the last couple days. My heart hurts. I know that nothing in life is perfect but I hate seeing my kid hurt. I just want to hug him until it goes away.