JEKBreatheandBelieve
Diamond Member
This thread could go under so many sections. In the last 48 hours my life has changed so much. I am hoping that I have been making the "right" decisions, but for the first time in a long time I think the right message came through and I actually heard it.
Monday evening I had my therapy session. It went pretty well, but I switched parts (DID parts) and was angry when I left. I stayed very angry most of the night. There was a complicated situation that made me feel even more trapped. It has to do with a friend of mine who is often suicidal, but I am not going to go into details about the matter. My part that was in control was not acting the safest. It was scary. It wasn't life threatening, but it felt that way. And I couldn't seem to get enough control back.
Tuesday I woke up and felt okay (as much as that ever means to me). I went to school. On the way there I just started crying. I couldn't seem to stop. I went through prepping for the day once I got to school, but I couldn't stop crying for very long. I realized that I couldn't make it. My co-teacher got someone to go in my room and I hid out. Someone checked in on me and I was in full panic mode so I have no idea what I said to her. The next thing I know there was a note telling me to go home that they were finding me a sub. I felt horrible. I had really wanted to try staying. Then, someone got my stuff and dropped it off outside the door and just knocked to signal it was there. I felt miserable and totally unwanted.
I drove home. And I had the feeling that I didn't want to live in this world any more, meaning I didn't want to interact with people, not that I wanted to die. I e-mailed my therapist. She had me come over. We talked. I told her exactly how I was feeling and I told her that I did not want to have to pretend to be normal any more. We decided that it was time to take more serious steps. She called the crisis line but they recommended the hospital emergency room. It felt like they didn't want me to go through their process once they knew I had Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Because my husband was at school and I was in no shape to drive myself and my parents don't understand what is going on right now, my therapist drove me to the ER. I stayed over night in the psychiatric emergency room. That was more than enough for me to know that was not the right place for me. But the psychiatrist referred me to a partial hospitalization program closer to home run by a different hospital.
And so today I put in process the steps to take a month long leave of absence from my teaching job. My principal was amazingly supportive and said all the right things. I hope that her support continues once I come back, too. I feel really bad about leaving my students because their teacher did the same thing last year- took a medical leave- only she never came back because she died this fall. I don't want my students to worry so when they are told about my leave it is going to be stressed that my medical leave is not the same as their previous teacher. So suddenly I am no longer working, I have an appointment to start a partial hospitalization program, and I feel like I am moving in the right direction, but I am so very scared. Any words of advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Monday evening I had my therapy session. It went pretty well, but I switched parts (DID parts) and was angry when I left. I stayed very angry most of the night. There was a complicated situation that made me feel even more trapped. It has to do with a friend of mine who is often suicidal, but I am not going to go into details about the matter. My part that was in control was not acting the safest. It was scary. It wasn't life threatening, but it felt that way. And I couldn't seem to get enough control back.
Tuesday I woke up and felt okay (as much as that ever means to me). I went to school. On the way there I just started crying. I couldn't seem to stop. I went through prepping for the day once I got to school, but I couldn't stop crying for very long. I realized that I couldn't make it. My co-teacher got someone to go in my room and I hid out. Someone checked in on me and I was in full panic mode so I have no idea what I said to her. The next thing I know there was a note telling me to go home that they were finding me a sub. I felt horrible. I had really wanted to try staying. Then, someone got my stuff and dropped it off outside the door and just knocked to signal it was there. I felt miserable and totally unwanted.
I drove home. And I had the feeling that I didn't want to live in this world any more, meaning I didn't want to interact with people, not that I wanted to die. I e-mailed my therapist. She had me come over. We talked. I told her exactly how I was feeling and I told her that I did not want to have to pretend to be normal any more. We decided that it was time to take more serious steps. She called the crisis line but they recommended the hospital emergency room. It felt like they didn't want me to go through their process once they knew I had Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Because my husband was at school and I was in no shape to drive myself and my parents don't understand what is going on right now, my therapist drove me to the ER. I stayed over night in the psychiatric emergency room. That was more than enough for me to know that was not the right place for me. But the psychiatrist referred me to a partial hospitalization program closer to home run by a different hospital.
And so today I put in process the steps to take a month long leave of absence from my teaching job. My principal was amazingly supportive and said all the right things. I hope that her support continues once I come back, too. I feel really bad about leaving my students because their teacher did the same thing last year- took a medical leave- only she never came back because she died this fall. I don't want my students to worry so when they are told about my leave it is going to be stressed that my medical leave is not the same as their previous teacher. So suddenly I am no longer working, I have an appointment to start a partial hospitalization program, and I feel like I am moving in the right direction, but I am so very scared. Any words of advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
