My Life Is Changing So Fast

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I go for my initial appointment tomorrow. I am really scared. I've driven by so that I know what building it is, but I am obsessing about where to park and which door to go in. I think that's because there is so much uncertainty that I am focused on something specific.

 

[Chava]

Glad you are taking steps to take care of yourself. The kiddos will be fine. If you worry because of what they've experienced, maybe send them a short card sometime just to tell them "hello." But that can all be left up to the school to handle. Kids that age can understand sick vs "dying" though they might worry because they care. If someone tells them you're okay, they'll miss you but do fine. So, focus on you.

Trying to be "normal" is exhausting and sometimes we just need a break, or more help. I hope you get the extra help you deserve. I've been in psych and rehab inpatient and partial programs...the last one I was in was very helpful. I needed the support but also time to break from the rest of life and focus on myself for a while. Big hugs to you. :hug:

 

[Hope4Now]

I'll be thinking of you. It is going to be okay even though you're scared. Keep up the mindful breathing...stay focused on feeling your feet being supported by the floor, and your behind by the seat you're in. It helps bring all that chaotic energy down out of your head and helps you remember that you're here, now, and that you are making a good choice to help heal yourself!

 

[KwanYingirl]

In Nature, all things are accomplished. Some of it takes courage and time.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I did make it through this morning. I went in the wrong door and to the wrong place but I did well overall. I am not finished the initial start up stuff since it was only a short day for the program. I am completely overwhelmed and I really wanted to run far away from there, but I also know it's going to be uncomfortable at first so I will keep going at least for now.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

So it's been over two weeks now. I am struggling still with this program, though I am enjoying the company of the other people there. I also like some of the activities and skills we learn. The problem is that I am still struggling with my right and wrong issues. I have made little gains. Every other day we have to rate our mood on a scale of 1-10 and it is really, really hard for me. I am trying to trust that there is no wrong answer and only I know the right answer, but some days it doesn't work. I've also dissociated quite a few time and the staff didn't fully comprehend what was happening. I finally sat down with one and explained because I was left alone in the room after everyone left for the day only to "come to" to find a male stranger setting up the room for something else. Since male strangers are very triggering for me, I was not in a positive state. I am proud that I self-advocated about that because that helped me again today. I know the program isn't going to solve everything, but I think I making baby step progress and I guess that's a good thing.

 

[joeylittle]

I remember going nuts over the whole 1-10 thing. Like you, wanting to know what an absolute 5 was so I'd be communicating accurately.

If you can just decide what your scale is, it's a little easier. something they helped me was paying more attention to how I felt in relationship to my last set of numbers reported, if that makes sense.

You're doing great, hard work. Well done.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thanks, @joeylittle! Today I rated mine as "not an 8". They are at least understanding that it is hard for me and that is so much better than the first time I tried!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have been learning A LOT in this program. I am amazed at how well it's been working out after the rocky start. I am scheduled to go back to work on the 12th. And so that means I graduate the program sometime next week. But wouldn't you know it that I've had some bad luck with the meds, just now. I have been exhausted the whole time and am definitely thinking it's the med combination and the staff now agrees. I had another rare side effect come when they last increased the dose and had to have blood drawn and all. That part is all freaking me out because when I had the meeting with my principal about going back to work, things were going a lot better. Just got to keep using the skills I am learning though and have hope that the meds will work out eventually.

 

[RussH]

Hi J, just want you to know that you continue to have my support, and however I can help; please feel free to ask.