I remember it now I was coming back from the train tracks where my friend and I used to play. I was crossing the road but I was away with the fairies and I walked out in front of a car. The person/s in that car abused me profusely and it was a massive blow for a 5 year old boy. It didn’t sink in straight away but the next couple of times I walked up the driveway of the place I lived the confronting event just continued to haunt me until I broke on the inside.
It started when I was 5 I could hear the confusion in the distance but in my head. I was walking up the back driveway at 126 Henderson Road Qbn and it was coming from the left and I knew it was not normal, so I ran up the concrete driveway hoping to get away. It caught me at the steps and I had this overwhelming feeling of fear mixed with weight. The shit caught me.
I waited for a bit then ran to the side and climbed up what used to be a big brown painted wooden fence, but is now a green fence as I have recently been back for a visit for closure and for more accurate details for my Life Story. I thought I’d lost it, but inside I knew it was still there, so pushed it away and I think I quickly forced myself to forget about it. The next thing I remember is I heard my Mum and Nan Arguing. I was playing in the back courtyard but it’s not clear exactly because I felt the feelings coming back again and I climbed up the back fence onto the roof where I used to play and was my safe place.
That what I realize now was anxiety, and it was very, very overwhelming. I closed off again but this I think I only pushed it a little away then again I ran from it.
One night soon in the future I remember my sister came into my room crying and she was telling me that know one had believed her, I could feel I could read her and I knew she was telling the truth but I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother that I thought she was telling the truth.
She wouldn't have believed me anyway. I didn’t believe myself, so I cuddled my sister and helped her move on. I decide I would be there as long as I could for my sister because deep down I knew she was right and eventually what ever was hurting her would come out, and she would get fixed and I thought whilst I was at it I would get fixed also.
I was happy with my decision and I thought my family had enough problems, mine would only add to a bad situation, so I just kept cuddling my sister until she felt good again.
I didn't find out until much later that Ron (my Nan’s Husband and the brother of my sisters biological father) had been raping her. When I found out I remembered seeing her taken from school and feeling disappointed that Ron wasn't taking me too, and was very disappointed that I wasn’t going too but it happened so fast I didn’t get the chance to do anything about it. I didn’t know what was going on then, but as it turns out that was when he took her and raped her, and from my understanding it wasn’t the only time.
I remember next I was playing at a wooden fort at Queanbeyan West Primary School and the anxiety came back again but I convinced myself that help wouldn't be far and moved on.
The next thing I remember is I was at our Thorp Ave house and the screaming ,I was 8 then and Albert (the brother of my biological father, the man who took my sister as his own daughter) the man I thought was the father I felt I never really had, and put 100% of my trust in was rapeing my sister. She kept screaming for me and my brother to come and help her over and over and over.
I was frozen. I felt I was trapped I'm my own body.
The Anxiety came back again and combined with my sisters constant screaming and calling for me and my brother I couldn't take it. I was ****ing scared shitless. I didn't want any part of what was going on in that room.
I failed my sister I thought. My brother was about to get up and go to my sister and I guess I didn't want him to be a part of that either, so I told him to stop and he did. I punished my self from then until a few days ago for that until I spoke to a Qualified Lifeline Councilor and she helped me realize that it was the best thing I could have done. I see it now, it was the right thing to do. I remember clearly that I hadn't even thought
of getting a weapon and if my brother had gone In he could have been rapped, then I would have gone in after him and possibly been rapped to. I still think today that if we both had gone in with knives then maybe we could have saved her but I don't know If my brother thought of a knife and if so would he have thought to get me one too? If he hadn’t, we would have been raped or worse by that big black **** for sure because I found out later that Albert had been on a revenge plot against my biological father and had come over from New Zealand intentionally to hurt us to hurt his brother in return for sleeping with Albert’s wife. I don’t belive this to be true now because Albert has since rapped another girl so to me it is verry unlikely that his sole reason was revenge. Albert is just one sick ****.
I remember I was lying in bed and I could hear my sister screaming, and the only thing I could do, because I was felt I was stuck inside myself, and could feel the anxiety coming on again, was force myself to sleep and I did and until recently have managed and continued to do so, which led me to get help.
The next thing I remember I was taken into a building I’d never been in, and it turned out to be a Queanbeyan Health clinic. There was my help. I was bursting to let everything I’d been bottling up out, and here was my chance.
The first thing the psychologist did was take myself and my brother into a room give us some pencils and paper and asked us to draw how we felt. I was over the moon, but I was
thinking, why I wasn't talking to my help. Where was that person. I need to talk and I need to talk now! That person came back I was relived he or she took our drawings
and asked us what our drawings were. I wasn't sure all I wanted to do was talk to this person and get fixed. I remember seeing brother drawing some bad shit and thought I’d better do it so I didn't disappoint my helper person, and so I would be able to talk to him or her.
I remember next hearing my brother saying how he wanted to cut Albert and I quickly made something up. I remember my drawing had some scribble, lots of red and a knife. I told this person I wanted to cut that ****s dick off (or something like that) and it felt great to say that, and I really began to trust this person.
The next thing I remember is hearing that person say to my Mum and I think my mum’s boyfriend was there too, that myself and my brother were normal............
All of a sudden we were walking back to the car and I was leaving my help behind. Inside my mind I was screaming.
For a long time every time I drove past that medical center, I couldn't look at it and at first I felt disgusted. Eventually a few years later I remembered why I felt that way. I eventually came to the conclusion that, those ****s didn't help me and from now on I will be better of on my own. Since then I have had very little trust with medical professionals.
The next thing I remember is Mum, my brother and I, were doing the shopping at Aldi in QBN and I was overwhelmed with very intense anxiety. I looked up and I saw my mum and my brother could see my overwhelming Anxiety I was really hurting them seeing what I was going through, so I decided I would not hurt my family with my anxiety and I decided that I would repress everything again.
Soon after that I decided that I would continue to repress as long as I could and I would only let my strongest emotions in.
The first one that got through was fear. I realized that I couldn't live on fear alone so I pulled love back with it, and moved on.
I forced my self to forget about it. I was happy with that decision considering what I’d been through and I guessed that I’d made the right decision. Again forgot about it and moved on. My decision was never to hurt my family and it was! the right decision. That’s why I guess believe I make the right decisions and at any cost to myself and continue to do so.
Somewhere in here belongs a bullying thing.
Something about thought trying to get back in
I moved in with my uncle back from the coast after that to be closer to me girlfriend and then I split, with what I’d thought was my first real true love. I was 17 she had asked me for a weeks break. That devastated me and I broke down crying and drove off.
Roughly a week later when the break should have been over, I was lying In bed and I felt I couldn't and didn't want to move. That’s when the Anxiety came back and this time very strong.
Very shortly after that I had my first panic attack, mixed with anxiety and it has all been here ever since. My aunty took me to a psychologist and he helped me to deal with the panic attacks and taught me some techniques to deal with them and I moved on.
I remember the psychologist asked me if I could hear voices and I assumed he meant out side my head and I said no. I told him that I was confused, and because my aunty had been sitting there I was to ashamed to tell him that I could hear voices inside my head. Again I was that close to help and couldn't get it again. I remember my aunty asking me why I didn't call my x and I said "**** that she can call me". I didn't want to call her because I thought I would end up hurting her emotionally because of my Anxiety and thought she’d be better of without me.
I prayed and prayed that she wouldn't call me and I got my wish. She never did. I guess deep down I’ve always been angry with her but I honestly felt she was better of without me.
After that I had more overwhelming Anxiety and Panic Attacks, at the ages between 19-21, and I saw a GP at Bombala medical center. That was after I tried to cut my wrists twice which pushed me to get help because all I could think was It would mentally devastate my Aunty and Uncle if I had succeeded. I guess that’s why I couldn't bring myself to cut in the right direction, or continue deep enough to cut a vein.
Only deep enough to scar.
I remember I grabbed a tea towel and dried the blood, then through the tea towel in the outside rubbish bin covered by some other rubbish. Put a band aid on it and covered it with my watch and continue to cover it with my watch, (not on purpose) to this day.
I lied about my scars, and always said they were due to an accident I had when I was 16
And have continued to do so until very recently.
I spoke to the GP about my Panic Attacks and anxiety and he gave me some valium, but I was so disgusted with what I’d come so close to doing, so I thought I didn't deserve to receive the medical attention that I’d deserved and I moved on.
I couldn't remember any of my past decisions and I though to myself some where I had made the right one and decided to keep going with what was the way I was dealing with my life.
I felt I deserved to be punished for what I’d done and again, forgot about it and moved on. During that time I had a few urges escape from me that made me do some things I'm not proud of and continue to punish myself for. I realize I was not in complete control at the time and one day I hope to try and right those wrongs.
I met the most beautiful woman in the world after that and tried time and time again to get out, but she would not have a bar of It. Still to this day my missus, will never let me go. I felt like I didn't deserve her. She has given me the best son a man could have ever wanted and the most beautiful daughter also. She has been my grip to life along with my children and I will never be brought down and will never mentally devastate my loved ones. That’s exactly why I’m here and why I will always move forwards no matter what the cost is to myself and will never give up.
My life has been a series of ups and downs since then, with financial difficulties and failure to control my self sometimes, but time and time again my missus and my kids keep giving me the hope, inspiration and will I need, and I will not give up. I will never mentally devastate my family.
I’ve had my car repossessed and gambled compulsively drank heavily and was addicted to Marijuana. But with the help of my family I had turned my life around completely on the outside and was sort of at piece on the in. I’d gotten over my gambling addictions along with Marijuana addictions, Alcohol abuse and my missus and I were finally financially stable and have been continuing to move forward and up.
I now have a job that has pushed me over the edge and I nearly killed myself again repeatedly. I got the anxiety back and I have been having panic attacks and anxiety again.
I was diagnosed with Depression and anxiety but still will not give up, but it turns out I have an Ad Brain and PTSD.
My job slowly pushed me to breaking point, and I got my missus to help me call lifeline and that has put me on the track now to continue to get help I had never had before and will never give up on. I will take the time I need to get healed correctly and just keep moving forward.
It has been a very rough road.
I feel I’m on the up now, but pushing really bloody hard. My Mum had a very short time to live and both my sister and mother have been getting the wrong mental health treatment for a bloody long time.
It started when I was 5 I could hear the confusion in the distance but in my head. I was walking up the back driveway at 126 Henderson Road Qbn and it was coming from the left and I knew it was not normal, so I ran up the concrete driveway hoping to get away. It caught me at the steps and I had this overwhelming feeling of fear mixed with weight. The shit caught me.
I waited for a bit then ran to the side and climbed up what used to be a big brown painted wooden fence, but is now a green fence as I have recently been back for a visit for closure and for more accurate details for my Life Story. I thought I’d lost it, but inside I knew it was still there, so pushed it away and I think I quickly forced myself to forget about it. The next thing I remember is I heard my Mum and Nan Arguing. I was playing in the back courtyard but it’s not clear exactly because I felt the feelings coming back again and I climbed up the back fence onto the roof where I used to play and was my safe place.
That what I realize now was anxiety, and it was very, very overwhelming. I closed off again but this I think I only pushed it a little away then again I ran from it.
One night soon in the future I remember my sister came into my room crying and she was telling me that know one had believed her, I could feel I could read her and I knew she was telling the truth but I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother that I thought she was telling the truth.
She wouldn't have believed me anyway. I didn’t believe myself, so I cuddled my sister and helped her move on. I decide I would be there as long as I could for my sister because deep down I knew she was right and eventually what ever was hurting her would come out, and she would get fixed and I thought whilst I was at it I would get fixed also.
I was happy with my decision and I thought my family had enough problems, mine would only add to a bad situation, so I just kept cuddling my sister until she felt good again.
I didn't find out until much later that Ron (my Nan’s Husband and the brother of my sisters biological father) had been raping her. When I found out I remembered seeing her taken from school and feeling disappointed that Ron wasn't taking me too, and was very disappointed that I wasn’t going too but it happened so fast I didn’t get the chance to do anything about it. I didn’t know what was going on then, but as it turns out that was when he took her and raped her, and from my understanding it wasn’t the only time.
I remember next I was playing at a wooden fort at Queanbeyan West Primary School and the anxiety came back again but I convinced myself that help wouldn't be far and moved on.
The next thing I remember is I was at our Thorp Ave house and the screaming ,I was 8 then and Albert (the brother of my biological father, the man who took my sister as his own daughter) the man I thought was the father I felt I never really had, and put 100% of my trust in was rapeing my sister. She kept screaming for me and my brother to come and help her over and over and over.
I was frozen. I felt I was trapped I'm my own body.
The Anxiety came back again and combined with my sisters constant screaming and calling for me and my brother I couldn't take it. I was ****ing scared shitless. I didn't want any part of what was going on in that room.
I failed my sister I thought. My brother was about to get up and go to my sister and I guess I didn't want him to be a part of that either, so I told him to stop and he did. I punished my self from then until a few days ago for that until I spoke to a Qualified Lifeline Councilor and she helped me realize that it was the best thing I could have done. I see it now, it was the right thing to do. I remember clearly that I hadn't even thought
of getting a weapon and if my brother had gone In he could have been rapped, then I would have gone in after him and possibly been rapped to. I still think today that if we both had gone in with knives then maybe we could have saved her but I don't know If my brother thought of a knife and if so would he have thought to get me one too? If he hadn’t, we would have been raped or worse by that big black **** for sure because I found out later that Albert had been on a revenge plot against my biological father and had come over from New Zealand intentionally to hurt us to hurt his brother in return for sleeping with Albert’s wife. I don’t belive this to be true now because Albert has since rapped another girl so to me it is verry unlikely that his sole reason was revenge. Albert is just one sick ****.
I remember I was lying in bed and I could hear my sister screaming, and the only thing I could do, because I was felt I was stuck inside myself, and could feel the anxiety coming on again, was force myself to sleep and I did and until recently have managed and continued to do so, which led me to get help.
The next thing I remember I was taken into a building I’d never been in, and it turned out to be a Queanbeyan Health clinic. There was my help. I was bursting to let everything I’d been bottling up out, and here was my chance.
The first thing the psychologist did was take myself and my brother into a room give us some pencils and paper and asked us to draw how we felt. I was over the moon, but I was
thinking, why I wasn't talking to my help. Where was that person. I need to talk and I need to talk now! That person came back I was relived he or she took our drawings
and asked us what our drawings were. I wasn't sure all I wanted to do was talk to this person and get fixed. I remember seeing brother drawing some bad shit and thought I’d better do it so I didn't disappoint my helper person, and so I would be able to talk to him or her.
I remember next hearing my brother saying how he wanted to cut Albert and I quickly made something up. I remember my drawing had some scribble, lots of red and a knife. I told this person I wanted to cut that ****s dick off (or something like that) and it felt great to say that, and I really began to trust this person.
The next thing I remember is hearing that person say to my Mum and I think my mum’s boyfriend was there too, that myself and my brother were normal............
All of a sudden we were walking back to the car and I was leaving my help behind. Inside my mind I was screaming.
For a long time every time I drove past that medical center, I couldn't look at it and at first I felt disgusted. Eventually a few years later I remembered why I felt that way. I eventually came to the conclusion that, those ****s didn't help me and from now on I will be better of on my own. Since then I have had very little trust with medical professionals.
The next thing I remember is Mum, my brother and I, were doing the shopping at Aldi in QBN and I was overwhelmed with very intense anxiety. I looked up and I saw my mum and my brother could see my overwhelming Anxiety I was really hurting them seeing what I was going through, so I decided I would not hurt my family with my anxiety and I decided that I would repress everything again.
Soon after that I decided that I would continue to repress as long as I could and I would only let my strongest emotions in.
The first one that got through was fear. I realized that I couldn't live on fear alone so I pulled love back with it, and moved on.
I forced my self to forget about it. I was happy with that decision considering what I’d been through and I guessed that I’d made the right decision. Again forgot about it and moved on. My decision was never to hurt my family and it was! the right decision. That’s why I guess believe I make the right decisions and at any cost to myself and continue to do so.
Somewhere in here belongs a bullying thing.
Something about thought trying to get back in
I moved in with my uncle back from the coast after that to be closer to me girlfriend and then I split, with what I’d thought was my first real true love. I was 17 she had asked me for a weeks break. That devastated me and I broke down crying and drove off.
Roughly a week later when the break should have been over, I was lying In bed and I felt I couldn't and didn't want to move. That’s when the Anxiety came back and this time very strong.
Very shortly after that I had my first panic attack, mixed with anxiety and it has all been here ever since. My aunty took me to a psychologist and he helped me to deal with the panic attacks and taught me some techniques to deal with them and I moved on.
I remember the psychologist asked me if I could hear voices and I assumed he meant out side my head and I said no. I told him that I was confused, and because my aunty had been sitting there I was to ashamed to tell him that I could hear voices inside my head. Again I was that close to help and couldn't get it again. I remember my aunty asking me why I didn't call my x and I said "**** that she can call me". I didn't want to call her because I thought I would end up hurting her emotionally because of my Anxiety and thought she’d be better of without me.
I prayed and prayed that she wouldn't call me and I got my wish. She never did. I guess deep down I’ve always been angry with her but I honestly felt she was better of without me.
After that I had more overwhelming Anxiety and Panic Attacks, at the ages between 19-21, and I saw a GP at Bombala medical center. That was after I tried to cut my wrists twice which pushed me to get help because all I could think was It would mentally devastate my Aunty and Uncle if I had succeeded. I guess that’s why I couldn't bring myself to cut in the right direction, or continue deep enough to cut a vein.
Only deep enough to scar.
I remember I grabbed a tea towel and dried the blood, then through the tea towel in the outside rubbish bin covered by some other rubbish. Put a band aid on it and covered it with my watch and continue to cover it with my watch, (not on purpose) to this day.
I lied about my scars, and always said they were due to an accident I had when I was 16
And have continued to do so until very recently.
I spoke to the GP about my Panic Attacks and anxiety and he gave me some valium, but I was so disgusted with what I’d come so close to doing, so I thought I didn't deserve to receive the medical attention that I’d deserved and I moved on.
I couldn't remember any of my past decisions and I though to myself some where I had made the right one and decided to keep going with what was the way I was dealing with my life.
I felt I deserved to be punished for what I’d done and again, forgot about it and moved on. During that time I had a few urges escape from me that made me do some things I'm not proud of and continue to punish myself for. I realize I was not in complete control at the time and one day I hope to try and right those wrongs.
I met the most beautiful woman in the world after that and tried time and time again to get out, but she would not have a bar of It. Still to this day my missus, will never let me go. I felt like I didn't deserve her. She has given me the best son a man could have ever wanted and the most beautiful daughter also. She has been my grip to life along with my children and I will never be brought down and will never mentally devastate my loved ones. That’s exactly why I’m here and why I will always move forwards no matter what the cost is to myself and will never give up.
My life has been a series of ups and downs since then, with financial difficulties and failure to control my self sometimes, but time and time again my missus and my kids keep giving me the hope, inspiration and will I need, and I will not give up. I will never mentally devastate my family.
I’ve had my car repossessed and gambled compulsively drank heavily and was addicted to Marijuana. But with the help of my family I had turned my life around completely on the outside and was sort of at piece on the in. I’d gotten over my gambling addictions along with Marijuana addictions, Alcohol abuse and my missus and I were finally financially stable and have been continuing to move forward and up.
I now have a job that has pushed me over the edge and I nearly killed myself again repeatedly. I got the anxiety back and I have been having panic attacks and anxiety again.
I was diagnosed with Depression and anxiety but still will not give up, but it turns out I have an Ad Brain and PTSD.
My job slowly pushed me to breaking point, and I got my missus to help me call lifeline and that has put me on the track now to continue to get help I had never had before and will never give up on. I will take the time I need to get healed correctly and just keep moving forward.
It has been a very rough road.
I feel I’m on the up now, but pushing really bloody hard. My Mum had a very short time to live and both my sister and mother have been getting the wrong mental health treatment for a bloody long time.
