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My side of the breakup

Jbintn

New Here
I’ve been struggling with a breakup from my ex in December 2022. The relationship was toxic and I tried to process by writing out my side of events since he has turned friends and some family against me. He claims I was cheating on him with a mutual friend and left him out of nowhere as a result of my bipolar disorder. Names changed for anonymity. I’ve lost some friends by not explaining my side of what happened and continue to have PTSD symptoms from all this.

_______________________

I had decided that morning I was going to leave after he took my car to work and his car keys, leaving me stranded at the house. When I texted him asking for my car or his car keys his response was “you can’t be using my car all the time and I am working right now.” I was so upset and felt so trapped that all I could do was walk. I called a friend of mine and she picked me up. Shortly after, I got a notification from the doorbell camera that he had stopped by the house and dropped off car keys. She took me back home so I could get the car. I followed her back to her house to be away from the situation.

We spent the evening hanging out at a local bar while she tried to act as my therapist and unpack if I really wanted to leave. She didn’t want me to jump to any decisions I would regret. I was done. I had spent the last two evenings with her because he had another mood swing in which he flipped out on me out of nowhere because I was helping my brother hang Christmas lights for us. I didn’t want to be around him anymore. He spent the evening texting my phone, berating me for being out. I finally left when he called and the entire 45-minute drive home was him telling me how terrible of a person I am. This continued for an hour after I made it home before I stepped outside for a cigarette. I had quit smoking but bought a pack on the way home because of the stress of the situation.

When I went back in, I told him I wanted to end the relationship as it was obvious that we were no longer happy and had become toxic together. He jumped up throwing the coffee table, everything going flying while he ran to the kitchen. I heard the knife drawer open and was terrified before I heard him break down and start apologizing. I spent the night in the guest room but was unable to sleep due to the fear of what could’ve happened. This was one of many times I had decided to leave. I knew I could no longer live life like this. Every day I was walking on eggshells knowing if I said the wrong thing, I would have 48 hours of stress and emotional abuse.

I spent the following two months trying to collect my things from his house. I entertained his text messages that flowed from him begging for me to come back to him telling me how shitty of a person I am for leaving him. He wanted to hold on to what control he could and refused my requests repeatedly.

One evening he allowed me to come over was him trying to lure me back in. “You can get some of your stuff but let’s talk and drink for a bit.” I just wanted out but knew if I did not obey, the situation would escalate. “Sure, I’ll take a shot” I said cautiously. He handed me flowers even though I had made it clear ahead of time this was not a romantic encounter and I didn’t want anything intimate to happen. I started gathering things throughout the house while he continued pushing Canadian whiskey shots. “Do you want to go to Jackie’s Christmas Party?” I asked after loading my car full of sentimental items knowing this may be the last chance I have to get them. I just wanted away from the house but didn’t want to escalate because I knew where that always led.

He seemed excited and manic the entire ride to Jackie’s house. She had moved recently to across the state line. Jackie and some other friends were hanging out building gingerbread houses when we showed up. They were obviously shocked to see us together making me wonder what they had heard about our breakup. I continued to mask my feelings and uncomfortableness of being around him with alcohol. I ended up blacking out and only remembered pieces of the night. I remember being woken up off the couch stating we were leaving. I don’t remember anything else until we make it back to his house.

I said I was going to lay on the couch but he was persistent about me not sleeping on the couch. I don’t remember the rest of the night until I wake up the next day, naked and in his bed. I immediately tried to leave. I didn’t want any of this to happen. I told him ahead of time I didn’t want anything romantic or sexual to happen between us. He grabbed my arm trying to persuade me to stay while I tried to find my clothes. “I’ve gotta go take my medication,” I said as an excuse to get away. Later that day I got insight into what happened. He texted me bragging about how good the sex we had was. The sex I didn’t want. The sex I didn’t remember. I didn’t know how to react so I just laughed it off, not realizing the significance of how this would affect me later on. I also still had things at his house that I need to get and I wanted to keep the peace because I didn’t trust him anymore.

A couple days later, I couldn’t handle the text messages anymore and told him I was serious when I told him I didn’t want to get back together with him. This set him off. His begging and pillow talk turned into cutthroat verbal abuse in text message forms. He repeatedly called my phone to the point I had to turn it off. In the meantime, I had sought comfort from mutual friends. One of which left me move in with her while I figured things out and the other in which a relationship formed that was unexpected.

We had all been hanging out with him for a couple of months. One night he had an idea that we would all take things to another level and started pouring shots. He didn’t tell me at the time his plan. Once the bottle was empty, he invited our friend to sleep in bed with us that night. He made the first move onto our friend and things escalated between the three of us. He had a thing for me watching him with other guys. We continued all hanging out and our friend sleeping over on his off days until the end of the relationship. Our friend wasn’t aware of everything that had happened over the last 6 years and tried to push us to get back together.

This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. The prior year we met someone online and they grew close to each other causing us to break up. When the other guy pulled away from him, he pulled us back together. I broke my lease on a new apartment and moved back in because I was not ready at that moment to leave for good.

Things moved fast and ended up in a new relationship I told my ex I wanted to cease contact with him. Once he found out about my new relationship, things got worse as I expected. It looked bad from the outsider's view but no one knew what had happened behind closed doors. I felt bad for the way things played out but honestly, I had checked out of the relationship months prior and should’ve left sooner but was afraid to leave. He had become dangerous. I accept responsibility for that.

I texted him a few times after trying to get my things back but he refused to answer. I had paid the mortgage for December and half for January so I took my key while he was out of town to get what things I could. He found out and accused me of breaking into the house and threatened to press charges against me and a friend who helped me grab a sentimental piece of furniture despite I still technically lived there and had paid bills through January.

He had hid my brothers hunting knife which I was given when I was 5 after my brother suddenly died at 19 in a car accident. He wanted to keep the control. I had to file a police report due to my notary stamp being missing. The officer who took my report advised me I needed to call the police department and have an officer meet me at the house to get my stuff back. The end of January, I texted his sister to let her know I was coming to get my things and was going to have a police officer escort.

I called dispatch and they told me to wait at an office nearby to meet with the officer before going to get my stuff back. He somehow found me and sit in his car across from me the entire time before leaving suddenly. I saw a cop car drive by toward his house and followed it. When I got there, the officer advised me he didn’t want me there and was told I was stalking him. I told him I had paid to be there through January in which the cop told me he wasn’t aware of that but I would need to go file a summons to get my property back the following day.

When I got to the courthouse and gave them my name, a cop grabbed some paperwork and came over to me. “Do you know what this is?” asks the officer while handing me a stack of papers handwritten and stapled together. It didn’t supposed to end like this, standing in a courthouse filing a summons against someone I once thought I’d spend my life with. I was full of anxiety while the officer explained to me the claims made against me in a protective order. The tall middle-aged officer gave me a surprised look when I explained I showed up today to file my own summons and didn’t expect to get one in return but knowing him, I should have.

As I read the protective order, I couldn’t believe what he had written in the blue ink, hastily written filling up the box and overflowing into the margins. He couldn’t miss the opportunity to make me look like a monster as well as to make a dig at my weight and claiming I was 75lbs heavier than I really was. Maybe this is why the cop was surprised when he saw me. “He has stalked and harassed my friends and I since I kicked him out the first of December.” the opening line said, even though he spent December repeatedly texting me and even one night at a friend’s Christmas party.

I compiled a binder containing all of the text messages he had sent me, all the receipts from the mortgage payments I made, and the furniture we had bought together. I was prepared but on the court date, he didn’t show up for the protective order knowing that I was prepared to fight his attempt at using the justice system to continue to harass me. Against my better judgement, I reached out one more time to see if we could settle before having to go to another court date. We came to an agreement but he said he was still not able to find my brothers knife. He said he would get it back to me and appreciate’s we can respect each other now.

This was all a lie because once I got some of my things back, he ceased contact again and I started hearing about all the lies he had told mutual friends about our break up. A few months later I received emails where he attempted to use my Instacart account and debit card to order groceries while I was out of town. Later I found out he was scheming even while messaging me by trying to get friends to speak out against me on his behalf.

A therapist later explained to me that I am experiencing PTSD. I allowed him to continue to have this control over me. I still have flashes of waking up in his bed as well as the night I ended the relationship and he threw a table while trying to retrieve a knife. Once again, I take responsibility for allowing this to continue longer than it should have. I take responsibility for falling in love with someone else soon after my relationship ended. I take responsibility for continuing to entertain his texts that must have made him think we were getting back together despite me saying otherwise. This is my side of the story.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Welcome to the community! 🤠

Relationships? Are complicated. Abusive relationships even more so. Even if, in retrospect, the cyclical nature of them is soooooo infuriating to be able to see so clearly, once out, the layers of feelings/thoughts/motives/reasoning whilst IN them? <low whistle>. Well done on being able to parse out the ending of 6 years. With PTSD that’s no small feat. (More on that, here.)

Especially as you’re already in that headspace of processing what happened? (But also with PTSD in general!)… Something you might find useful here on the site are Trauma Diaries.

Privacy is catered, And all members are allowed one diary in each privacy level
- Trauma Diaries >>> anyone may read/respond
- Trauma Diaries (Members) >>> Only members may read/respond and they’re not indexed by search engines.
- Trauma Diaries (Private) >>> Only yourself & admin may read/respond, for when you’re not looking for community support/feedback

Again, welcome & well done.
 
I’ve been struggling with a breakup from my ex in December 2022. The relationship was toxic and I tried to process by writing out my side of events since he has turned friends and some family against me. He claims I was cheating on him with a mutual friend and left him out of nowhere as a result of my bipolar disorder. Names changed for anonymity. I’ve lost some friends by not explaining my side of what happened and continue to have PTSD symptoms from all this.

_______________________

I had decided that morning I was going to leave after he took my car to work and his car keys, leaving me stranded at the house. When I texted him asking for my car or his car keys his response was “you can’t be using my car all the time and I am working right now.” I was so upset and felt so trapped that all I could do was walk. I called a friend of mine and she picked me up. Shortly after, I got a notification from the doorbell camera that he had stopped by the house and dropped off car keys. She took me back home so I could get the car. I followed her back to her house to be away from the situation.

We spent the evening hanging out at a local bar while she tried to act as my therapist and unpack if I really wanted to leave. She didn’t want me to jump to any decisions I would regret. I was done. I had spent the last two evenings with her because he had another mood swing in which he flipped out on me out of nowhere because I was helping my brother hang Christmas lights for us. I didn’t want to be around him anymore. He spent the evening texting my phone, berating me for being out. I finally left when he called and the entire 45-minute drive home was him telling me how terrible of a person I am. This continued for an hour after I made it home before I stepped outside for a cigarette. I had quit smoking but bought a pack on the way home because of the stress of the situation.

When I went back in, I told him I wanted to end the relationship as it was obvious that we were no longer happy and had become toxic together. He jumped up throwing the coffee table, everything going flying while he ran to the kitchen. I heard the knife drawer open and was terrified before I heard him break down and start apologizing. I spent the night in the guest room but was unable to sleep due to the fear of what could’ve happened. This was one of many times I had decided to leave. I knew I could no longer live life like this. Every day I was walking on eggshells knowing if I said the wrong thing, I would have 48 hours of stress and emotional abuse.

I spent the following two months trying to collect my things from his house. I entertained his text messages that flowed from him begging for me to come back to him telling me how shitty of a person I am for leaving him. He wanted to hold on to what control he could and refused my requests repeatedly.

One evening he allowed me to come over was him trying to lure me back in. “You can get some of your stuff but let’s talk and drink for a bit.” I just wanted out but knew if I did not obey, the situation would escalate. “Sure, I’ll take a shot” I said cautiously. He handed me flowers even though I had made it clear ahead of time this was not a romantic encounter and I didn’t want anything intimate to happen. I started gathering things throughout the house while he continued pushing Canadian whiskey shots. “Do you want to go to Jackie’s Christmas Party?” I asked after loading my car full of sentimental items knowing this may be the last chance I have to get them. I just wanted away from the house but didn’t want to escalate because I knew where that always led.

He seemed excited and manic the entire ride to Jackie’s house. She had moved recently to across the state line. Jackie and some other friends were hanging out building gingerbread houses when we showed up. They were obviously shocked to see us together making me wonder what they had heard about our breakup. I continued to mask my feelings and uncomfortableness of being around him with alcohol. I ended up blacking out and only remembered pieces of the night. I remember being woken up off the couch stating we were leaving. I don’t remember anything else until we make it back to his house.

I said I was going to lay on the couch but he was persistent about me not sleeping on the couch. I don’t remember the rest of the night until I wake up the next day, naked and in his bed. I immediately tried to leave. I didn’t want any of this to happen. I told him ahead of time I didn’t want anything romantic or sexual to happen between us. He grabbed my arm trying to persuade me to stay while I tried to find my clothes. “I’ve gotta go take my medication,” I said as an excuse to get away. Later that day I got insight into what happened. He texted me bragging about how good the sex we had was. The sex I didn’t want. The sex I didn’t remember. I didn’t know how to react so I just laughed it off, not realizing the significance of how this would affect me later on. I also still had things at his house that I need to get and I wanted to keep the peace because I didn’t trust him anymore.

A couple days later, I couldn’t handle the text messages anymore and told him I was serious when I told him I didn’t want to get back together with him. This set him off. His begging and pillow talk turned into cutthroat verbal abuse in text message forms. He repeatedly called my phone to the point I had to turn it off. In the meantime, I had sought comfort from mutual friends. One of which left me move in with her while I figured things out and the other in which a relationship formed that was unexpected.

We had all been hanging out with him for a couple of months. One night he had an idea that we would all take things to another level and started pouring shots. He didn’t tell me at the time his plan. Once the bottle was empty, he invited our friend to sleep in bed with us that night. He made the first move onto our friend and things escalated between the three of us. He had a thing for me watching him with other guys. We continued all hanging out and our friend sleeping over on his off days until the end of the relationship. Our friend wasn’t aware of everything that had happened over the last 6 years and tried to push us to get back together.

This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. The prior year we met someone online and they grew close to each other causing us to break up. When the other guy pulled away from him, he pulled us back together. I broke my lease on a new apartment and moved back in because I was not ready at that moment to leave for good.

Things moved fast and ended up in a new relationship I told my ex I wanted to cease contact with him. Once he found out about my new relationship, things got worse as I expected. It looked bad from the outsider's view but no one knew what had happened behind closed doors. I felt bad for the way things played out but honestly, I had checked out of the relationship months prior and should’ve left sooner but was afraid to leave. He had become dangerous. I accept responsibility for that.

I texted him a few times after trying to get my things back but he refused to answer. I had paid the mortgage for December and half for January so I took my key while he was out of town to get what things I could. He found out and accused me of breaking into the house and threatened to press charges against me and a friend who helped me grab a sentimental piece of furniture despite I still technically lived there and had paid bills through January.

He had hid my brothers hunting knife which I was given when I was 5 after my brother suddenly died at 19 in a car accident. He wanted to keep the control. I had to file a police report due to my notary stamp being missing. The officer who took my report advised me I needed to call the police department and have an officer meet me at the house to get my stuff back. The end of January, I texted his sister to let her know I was coming to get my things and was going to have a police officer escort.

I called dispatch and they told me to wait at an office nearby to meet with the officer before going to get my stuff back. He somehow found me and sit in his car across from me the entire time before leaving suddenly. I saw a cop car drive by toward his house and followed it. When I got there, the officer advised me he didn’t want me there and was told I was stalking him. I told him I had paid to be there through January in which the cop told me he wasn’t aware of that but I would need to go file a summons to get my property back the following day.

When I got to the courthouse and gave them my name, a cop grabbed some paperwork and came over to me. “Do you know what this is?” asks the officer while handing me a stack of papers handwritten and stapled together. It didn’t supposed to end like this, standing in a courthouse filing a summons against someone I once thought I’d spend my life with. I was full of anxiety while the officer explained to me the claims made against me in a protective order. The tall middle-aged officer gave me a surprised look when I explained I showed up today to file my own summons and didn’t expect to get one in return but knowing him, I should have.

As I read the protective order, I couldn’t believe what he had written in the blue ink, hastily written filling up the box and overflowing into the margins. He couldn’t miss the opportunity to make me look like a monster as well as to make a dig at my weight and claiming I was 75lbs heavier than I really was. Maybe this is why the cop was surprised when he saw me. “He has stalked and harassed my friends and I since I kicked him out the first of December.” the opening line said, even though he spent December repeatedly texting me and even one night at a friend’s Christmas party.

I compiled a binder containing all of the text messages he had sent me, all the receipts from the mortgage payments I made, and the furniture we had bought together. I was prepared but on the court date, he didn’t show up for the protective order knowing that I was prepared to fight his attempt at using the justice system to continue to harass me. Against my better judgement, I reached out one more time to see if we could settle before having to go to another court date. We came to an agreement but he said he was still not able to find my brothers knife. He said he would get it back to me and appreciate’s we can respect each other now.

This was all a lie because once I got some of my things back, he ceased contact again and I started hearing about all the lies he had told mutual friends about our break up. A few months later I received emails where he attempted to use my Instacart account and debit card to order groceries while I was out of town. Later I found out he was scheming even while messaging me by trying to get friends to speak out against me on his behalf.

A therapist later explained to me that I am experiencing PTSD. I allowed him to continue to have this control over me. I still have flashes of waking up in his bed as well as the night I ended the relationship and he threw a table while trying to retrieve a knife. Once again, I take responsibility for allowing this to continue longer than it should have. I take responsibility for falling in love with someone else soon after my relationship ended. I take responsibility for continuing to entertain his texts that must have made him think we were getting back together despite me saying otherwise. This is my side of the story.
I assume you are on medicine for the Bi-Polar and that is so challenging and my heart goes out to you. He sounds so narcissistic from what you have written. This can all destroy your self esteem and narcissists with cease on that opportunity to cause you pain. I was the family scapegoat and didn't know unconsciously felt wrong all the time, unloveable and had a fear of abandonment. I have used CoDA which has been very helpful.
 
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