Sufferer My own trauma is so frivolous now

[Indigo_97]

Hi,

I found this website after being extremely upset and horrified with my self. I read my sister's diary which I know is disrespecting boundaries and not a good way to get insight into how she feels about me truly. I have bipolar disorder and cptsd from constant sibling abuse from our oldest brother (physical, emotional, mental, and verbal)

I have issues with irritability as I feel no one in my family ever listened to me about that or either told me to get over it. I have dealt with depression and suicide ideation since I was 11As life went on I have still gotten even more depressed until I could not work then I was diagnosed with what I have now.

But now everything I have went through seems frivolous as I can't even remember unless I'm severely depressed or having panick attacks.

But circling back I read my sister diary and she wrote about same sex sexual abuse. I knew this had to be about me but I couldn't remember it. I have blocked most of my childhood out and frankly I have poor memory overall even til this day. I feel like my memory is a huge issue as I think what I've done seems like I conveniently forgot.

I truly don't remember this but I trust that it happened if she wrote about it. I feel sick that I even did that as a child. my stomach is in knots and my heart feels like it's about to explode.

I'm ashamed and knowing what I know now about trauma for myself I can't imagine what she's been through her whole life and that I was more than likely a huge problem. I'm embarrassed that my anger with our brother who abused me caused me to have anger issues that I inflicted on her as it must have been confusing to have this happen to you and then the person is always angry. I can't imagine how she lived with me as adults for 3 years and even spoke to me at all. I realize me asking her if I was a bad person or even confiding in her about suicide attempts must have felt confusing as I have caused her harm. I always was told I was a bad person and this confirms it. My immediate thought was to k*ll myself last night but I thought that was an easy way to not face this if I even can. I don't know who to talk to because I can't even remember it like most things. I don't want to ask my sister and retraumarize her and I worry my therapist would judge me. I want to be a therapist and I don't even know how when I've done something like this. I also don't want to make this about me as this is something that had impacted her. I can't help but wonder if my own r*pe as a teen was because of this or if even the way our brother treated me was due to this. I'm thinking is my bipolar disorder and cptsd my karma and my issues I have with bodily pain etc.

I don't know what to do but to isolate and never face my sister or even my other family members again as my self isolation in the past from them was not right as I thought I was protecting myself but now I'm ashamed and embarrassed.

It makes sense why my sister acts the way she does towards if i did do this. And she has every right to. I can't believe that she forgave me if she has and I can't forgive our brother.

she says she cares about me but i wonder if it's because I'm always saying I'm depressed and she actually hates her hate for me because of this? I don't know what to do. I've always thought j was a burden and to know I did this is something I can't forgive myself for and I realize I will never be the person I want to be or half the person my sister is ever in life.

I don't know how to address this and apologize without making her feel like it's her fault or that what happened to me overshadows what I did to her? I'm heartbroken and I can't believe this. I feel like I'm making this about me and I don't want to do that. how do I repair this? Should I wait until she brings it up? I feel like suicide is a way of not addressing this and will be even more painful as she would have never gotten an apology and possibly would feel like it's her fault but I just don't want her to have to look at me again and be out of her life and make it easy. I'm so lost on this.

I apologize for typos or no punctuation I had to get this out.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hello,

I want to extend my deepest compassion to you during this incredibly difficult time. It takes immense courage to reach out and share such painful experiences.

It's clear that you are carrying a heavy burden of pain, guilt, and shame. I want to reassure you that you are not alone in this. Many individuals who have experienced trauma struggle with memory issues, feelings of unworthiness, and self-blame. It's important to remember that traumatic events can fragment our memories, making it challenging to recall certain experiences.

Seeking support and guidance is crucial in your healing journey. While it's understandable that you are hesitant to approach your sister or therapist about this, having a safe space to process your emotions and thoughts can be immensely beneficial. Your therapist is there to support you without judgment and can help you navigate these complex feelings.

In addition to professional help, connecting with others who have experienced similar struggles can provide you with a sense of understanding and support. I encourage you to explore the forums on myptsd.com where you can engage with individuals who have gone through similar experiences and find solidarity in your journey towards healing.

Remember, it's important to prioritize your well-being and seek help when needed. You are not defined by your past actions, and there is hope for healing and growth ahead. Take small steps towards self-compassion and forgiveness, both for yourself and others involved.

You are not alone in this, and there are people who care about you. I urge you to reach out for support and continue to seek healing in a safe and understanding environment.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Friday]

I can handle my own pain. Well, badly, whatever… it’s mine. Other people’s? Is always worse than mine. Because I can’t do anything about it.

Welcome to the community.