Was I complicit in my own trauma?

[Dave Ryan]

I've given some background on my childhood trauma in another thread. To cut a long story short, when I was a teenage boy, I was made to women's shapewear. Some class bullies thought it really funny to make the chubby class nerd wear a girdle. They forced me into it that first time, took pictures, then gave me the choice: start wearing it regularly or face public humiliation.

And this is the thing that's eaten away at me for all those years. It was a choice, and I chose to cooperate. I hated it beyond words - the shame, the discomfort, the fear of being caught. Yet every school morning I somehow managed to suppress my feelings of revulsion, pull my panty girdle on, and suffer through another day. I can honestly say there was no latent desire to crossdress, no secret fetishistic impulse. I genuinely loathed that thing - the sight of it (this was back in the seventies, where women's shapewear was heavy-duty stuff), the feel of it on me (it was very controlling) - and for the first few months I even dressed with my eyes closed so that I didn't have to look at it.

But every morning I could have said "no" and reported them, yet every morning I put it on. Every single day for my final four years at school, I chose to wear a panty girdle. Four years!

Exposure would have been humiliating. Telling my parents - especially my macho father - that I'd been forced to wear women's corsetry would have killed me. The other schoolkids would have had a field day, and I'd never have heard the end of it. But would that really have been worse than what I went through? Much as I resent the bullies for putting me through that, there's always a little voice in my head telling me I deserved it for being so weak. (And, as I explain in the other thread, it had lifelong knock-on effects.)

The Dr Catalyst AI engine here talks about "reframing my perspective" of these events, but I don't know how to start.

 

[Susan Jane]

You were a teenager and it sounds like you did the best you could in a horrible situation. That doesn‘t mean weakness. Be kind to yourself… you deserve it. I can understand why you didn‘t want to risk yourself… bullies are well not very kind people. I wish I could help more…

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

The threat of saying no and bringing light to the issue was all of this:

Exposure would have been humiliating. Telling my parents - especially my macho father - that I'd been forced to wear women's corsetry would have killed me. The other schoolkids would have had a field day, and I'd never have heard the end of it.

The whole point of the bullying is to make you complicit, it’s not a fault on your part but their manipulation. We’re social creatures, interpersonal peace and avoiding shame in front of people we deem important, or powerful, or threatening is very often put above our own wellbeing. Our community is extremely important. It’s human nature to not want to lose the acceptance of those around us. Even more so when we’re raised in environments that don’t encourage us to stand up for ourselves, but instead be quiet and listen to whatever and just don’t have problems, OR face the consequences of our parents and be socially ostracised, in small or big ways.

Photo blackmail is also a very cruel and very effective way to keep someone quiet. They hold the power to reveal xyz whenever they like to whoever they like and to cement their narrative in first.
When you’re a child in that situation you’re not often going to sit and deeply consider or plan how long it’s going to go on for if you don’t tell. There are frightening potentials on all sides and it’s the safest feeling to fawn until it hopefully goes away, and then nobody finds out and nothing scary happens.
You had something Done To You that you didn’t want to happen and already there was fear of your father being angry at you for what you were victim of, before there was any talk of continuing to wear it out of fear.

It’s not exactly a fair or easy situation to “just report them”.


I’ve had similar thoughts and feelings about my trauma being sexually abused by a woman. It’s another one of those “make it my fault” things where all the nuance and other factors get pushed by the wayside, in exchange for the easiest option which is just making it your own fault. Being physically stronger than my abuser doesn’t really mean anything when she had significant social power over me. I was her partner for about 2 years and I did not want to be! Why didn’t I try harder to push her away? Because I was scared of accidentally hurting her, why? Because I didn’t want to, or to be accused of rape, which she would threaten to do.
Why did I let her get into the habit of touching me in the first place? Because I had used all options to defend myself at my disposal and thought I just had to get used to it, why? Because she had ignored me trying to communicate and I was scared to physically intervene, and herself and my environment made me believe that, why? Because I lose the ability to speak when afraid, had started freezing up, which makes lack/rejection of consent easy to ignore, and I’m autistic and did not understand how romantic relationships work, which is easy to exploit.
It goes on like that.
Also a significant factor was social reputation and acceptance.
I didn’t want to be seen as an inadequate, lower type of person, or a lesser kind of man. She had been treating me like (what I thought) everyone else when not many others would consider interacting with me. I didn’t want to be seen as a proto-human incapable of love if I were to put an end to it. Some of that was instilled in me long before the relationship, and some of it during. Being taken advantage of is as much to do with the bullies as it is the upbringing you’re from, and environment you’re in that have shaped you and your vulnerabilities.

Technically, yes, I could have left earlier, that’s not a false idea, absolutely I could have. But there were obviously a lot of factors and powers at play making that -and framing it as- a very difficult decision to make. It doesn’t make it suddenly my fault, that was exactly what it was orchestrated to be, to take advantage of me as someone vulnerable to her. Unfortunately, we’re not machines and life isn’t as simple as “just not letting people control me”. It’s the responsibility of others to not be cruel to children or the vulnerable.
Making victims “complicit” is pretty much what all bullies and abusers strive for, because it muddies the guilt very much in ours and others’ minds. Like being forced to perform sex acts on someone, you actively participated therefore (untrue) you did it to yourself. Untrue but believed and a big harbinger of shame.
And the longer it goes on for the harder it feels to come out about it, because of all the participatory stuff you were scared/confused/forced into doing that may or may not be understood, so effectively they have you in an uphill struggle after the first week.

 

[shimmerz]

You were put into a double bind. Sick f*cking people do that to others. You had no good choice which is the trap. Anything you would have done would have been horrendous.

You could have said no but lived a whole different set of consequences. Consequences either way as they set it up.

I would say your focus should be on self love, self acceptance and self forgiveness, but that's just me.

 

[Dave Ryan]

We’re social creatures, interpersonal peace and avoiding shame in front of people we deem important

This stopped me telling my best friend, even though I desperately needed someone to confide in, even if it was just to vent. I could just imagine the look on his face if I'd told him.

And the longer it goes on for the harder it feels to come out about it, because of all the participatory stuff you were scared/confused/forced into doing that may or may not be understood, so effectively they have you in an uphill struggle after the first week.

And this was definitely a factor. After a month or so of wearing a girdle 8+ hours a day I was going crazy, but by that time all I could imagine was being asked the question "So why has it taken you this long to mention it?" And be the time it had been going on for several months, I would get the reaction I eventually got from my sister when she found out two years later, i.e. "It can't be that bad if you've been doing it for this length of time" and, worse than that, "Are you sure you don't secretly like it?" So once I'd missed that early opportunity to report it, I was essentially screwed. And they were relentless in checking up on me, reminding me they hadn't got bored with their sick little game, so I could never risk having a day off.

Part of me knows that how I handled it was understandable, but I just need to still that nagging voice that keeps telling me I could and should have done better.

 

[Susan Jane]

This stopped me telling my best friend, even though I desperately needed someone to confide in, even if it was just to vent. I could just imagine the look on his face if I'd told him.

And this was definitely a factor. After a month or so of wearing a girdle 8+ hours a day I was going crazy, but by that time all I could imagine was being asked the question "So why has it taken you this long to mention it?" And be the time it had been going on for several months, I would get the reaction I eventually got from my sister when she found out two years later, i.e. "It can't be that bad if you've been doing it for this length of time" and, worse than that, "Are you sure you don't secretly like it?" So once I'd missed that early opportunity to report it, I was essentially screwed. And they were relentless in checking up on me, reminding me they hadn't got bored with their sick little game, so I could never risk having a day off.

Part of me knows that how I handled it was understandable, but I just need to still that nagging voice that keeps telling me I could and should have done better.

Your sister’s lack of empathy and her not standing up for you makes me unterstand why you didn‘t tell your family. I am sorry to be blunt, maybe she has now apologized. My sister wasn‘t always kind to me when we were young either. Again in my opinion you did the best you could, let yourself off the hook, slowly with understanding for your younger self. The boys that tormented you are the sick f**cks that should have done better

 

[Dave Ryan]

Your sister’s lack of empathy and her not standing up for you makes me unterstand why you didn‘t tell your family. I am sorry to be blunt, maybe she has now apologized.

We are barely civil to each other these days. At the time, not only did she not understand, she positively reveled in it. She'd taunt me with slogans from TV ads of the time ("Is your girdle killing you?", "Can you believe it's a girdle?") , pinch the legs of it under the breakfast table and let them go with a loud snap, occasionally come into my room as I was dressing to gloat as I pulled it on - God, she was worse than the bullies. One day she even asked the ringleader if they were thinking of getting me a bra for my boy boobs!

Her view of me as weak and pathetic for putting up with it has very probably reinforced my own low self-esteem over the issue.

 

[Susan Jane]

We are barely civil to each other these days. At the time, not only did she not understand, she positively reveled in it. She'd taunt me with slogans from TV ads of the time ("Is your girdle killing you?", "Can you believe it's a girdle?") , pinch the legs of it under the breakfast table and let them go with a loud snap, occasionally come into my room as I was dressing to gloat as I pulled it on - God, she was worse than the bullies. One day she even asked the ringleader if they were thinking of getting me a bra for my boy boobs!

Her view of me as weak and pathetic for putting up with it has very probably reinforced my own low self-esteem over the issue.

Well as sad as it is not to have family to support us, we have others people who do. My father is a bully, and he loved being cruel. I cut him out of my life 28 years ago. I gave him a last chance 10 years ago. Here I am without contact and that is really okay, in fact better for me, my trauma issues are related to him directly. I find it more peaceful to heal. Yes his disapproval of me made my self esteem worse as well. Today I feel sorry for him, and try and have empathy for him. This helps me a lot with my healing, I wouldn‘t want to walk in his shoes. Forgive yourself Dave little by little step by step, it is hard to do, when we blame ourselves for our abusers behavior . Sending my understanding Susan

 

[Friday]

- I’m a combat vet. I was absolutely complicit in my own trauma.

- I’m a rape victim. (Hundreds of times, maybe thousands, IDFK. Dozens of assailants, over decades, although most were concentrated in a roughly a 5-10 year stretch, and the height of them over the course of a few months.). I was …occasionally… complicit in my own trauma. More often, it was completely out of my control / involvement / say-so. But occasionally, I was included in the equation.

- I was in an abusive marriage. It is ARGUABLE how complicit I was there. I claim totally, most people claim the opposite, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

- I’ve just been living my life, when Mother Nature THUNKED down serious consequence. Not complicit at all, me.

- I’ve worked a job deliberately fighting the effects of Mother Nature, trying to save people, from natural disaster. 100% complicit in my own trauma, there.

And on… and on… and on.

FAULT? BLAME? COMPLICITY? Is not what determines trauma. It’s “just” a piece of it. The largest piece, IME, how accurately we assign our part.

 

[Dave Ryan]

The largest piece, IME, how accurately we assign our part.

That's the bit I'm struggling with at the moment - I've spent so long living with a fairly negative view of my part, it's hard to know how to start turning it around.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

That's the bit I'm struggling with at the moment - I've spent so long living with a fairly negative view of my part, it's hard to know how to start turning it around.

It was you against a group of other people. It's hard for anyone to take that on, especially when you're a kid and you have to live with being taunted by others for it if they found out. They didn't really give you much of a choice. It was coercion and set up to not give you not much of choice to start. Both options set you up for humiliation. One was more private, while the other was public when all you wanted was to not be humiliated at all. They made you pick against your own best interest. I think a lot of kids if not most would have chose the same as you. I know I chose to hide my SAs because I didn't want to be responsible for breaking up my family and potentially not being believed by them since they had a track record of not believing me compared to others.

As a kid, we choose the less bad option, usually less consequences socially. Take the responsibility and focus off of yourself and put it on them. How evil and inconsiderate they had to be to do that to someone else especially as a group? They needed the protection of a group because one on one it would have been more difficult. I don't know if others would agree, but maybe it would be better not to think about your contribution to this. I just don't see how you could be held responsible for this happening to you at all.

 

[Dave Ryan]

As a kid, we choose the less bad option, usually less consequences socially. Take the responsibility and focus off of yourself and put it on them. How evil and inconsiderate they had to be to do that to someone else especially as a group? They needed the protection of a group because one on one it would have been more difficult. I don't know if others would agree, but maybe it would be better not to think about your contribution to this. I just don't see how you could be held responsible for this happening to you at all.

Thanks. I know you're right. The ringleader was a nasty piece of work and was the driving force behind it all, aided and abetted by a bunch of second bananas. On another thread, I got the comment:

My guess is you’d be horrified to watch any other kid go through the same thing, though, which is often a helpful to way to get some objectivity

which is another angle I've never previously considered. Instead of endlessly sitting in judgement on my 14 year old self and what I might have/could have/should have done, it might help to detach from it and look at it as if I were an observer on someone else in that situation. If I were watching a tearful teenage boy trying desperately to keep it together while pulling on women's shapewear before dressing for school, would I be telling him as he headed off for another miserable day that it's partly his own fault?

I really, really need to make a big effort to stop beating myself up over this. I've only been on this site a few days, but it's been really helpful to get all these new perspectives. I've had tunnel vision on this for far too long and it hasn't helped me deal with it at all, even after all these years.