My parents got to me again

[Ellabella44]

I've been no contact with them for 5 years. I've been doing ok most of the time but if I see a picture of them on facebook I spiral down. I loose my shit entirely. Last year it was my brothers wedding and I didn't feel as bad as I am this time. I tried holding together but the strain of that ended up feeling like I was in physical pain.

I had recently done an exercise where I could put them in a place with an impossible task to keep their comments about something I enjoy doing from being in my head. It worked and I was able to do the activity.

For me they have to build a sand castle grain by grain and find the sand itself under a garbage dump that is constantly being refilled.

My brother posted a picture on facebook with my parents. My first reaction was horror because they are out and not where I left them. Almost threw my phone. I have not handled it well. I've had a huge crash and hopefully tomorrow I can start to crawl out again.

The worst thing is having to tell my husband I'm not ok. I've told him when my symptoms were identified that he can't fix me. Sucks to say it out loud but you can't fix me or save me from what's in my head.

 

[Teasel]

Hi Ellabella, how is it going since Saturday?

Understand having a bog reaction to seeing them on social media. It can be such a shock hey. I used to feel sort of winded or as I'd been punched. Sounds dramatic but..

I like what you describe about giving them a task to keep them too busy to be in your head.
Well wishes :hug:

 

[Ellabella44]

Thanks. Feeling almost back to "normal". I had others who contributed to my CPTSD but was with them the longest and so many things happened. Telling friends a few years ago they asked why my parents hated me. Not like they would understand how their actions gave me this.
Someday they will be gone and then ill never have to see them ever again. I am happy for others who had compassionate parents. Even envy my kids a bit because they were allowed to be kids without paying for my love and attention.

In a way I'm thinking it was good for them that my onset of symptoms was delayed. They got my best years and since they are older they can understand a bit why I'm not the same as I used to be when they were little.

 

[Friday]

Yeah... I hate it when people I’ve decided are dead to me remind me that they aren’t :shifty: Every time they do that it puts a series of decisions back on the table that I would really rather not have to make, again. So far? I have. But zombies are only fun in movies. The dead need to stay dead. All corpsified and gross ain’t something anyone should have to deal with. It’s not like it adds to their charm. There’s a reason they were dead to me, to begin with. So they weren’t high on charm In the first place, and popping up outta where they belong back in my world? Is unsat. Go back to being dead, already. Outta my life, outta my head, outta my heart, I refuse to carry your bloating decaying awfulness around with me. Goodbye.

 

[Ronin]

I figure dead to me still at their act is a cement.
Look how hard they try.... *still* dead to me :D

At worst they give me new reasons they are dead to me.

Me having a reaction is me paying attention... not a backslide.

Attentive means ready.
Ready means chill oout...
I got it.