Childhood My Parents Think I Have False Memories.

[Seasounds]

@Catlovers141

Yes, I have had a similiar exerpeince.
What I could recommend is to, with you and your therapist, work through the memories, hunches, dreams/nightmares, as if they were/are real/ true.

Due to the denial of others, don't expect anyone to believe you. In fact, to save energy-that you can direct into your own healing, let them be. They won't change, and they can be damaging, by how defensive they can get.

In good therapy, as you heal, and recover what you lost, you can regain everything without anyone else's acknowledgement of your truth.

And, dare I say, no need to contemplate a token forgiveness-which some may suggest to you, so you 'can move on'. In your healing there will be an organic forgiveness of the life event happening will occur. Why? You will not be in need of anything from the person who robbed your soul.!

Another great book, is Thou Shall Not Be Aware, by Alice Miller. A dense read, yet offers good insights into our social denials, and even therapists' denials-as they, too, are part of our social fabric.

Take your time, trust Your memory, don't ask others to agree. You are clear, and smart!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I can relate in some ways. I don't know who abused me- that is a well-guarded secret within me (I have dissociative identity disorder). However, when I told my parents that I was sexually abused as a child, my mom immediately went to- I don't know how that would have been possible. I have suspicions as to who abused me, but after testing out the waters on just saying I was sexually abused, I am staying clear of implicating anyone.

Over the summer I went to a trauma treatment center for 3 months. During that time my mom told me that she thought the therapists were putting things in my head. That all I had to do was think positive and stop worrying and I would be better. And (read with sarcasm) the most helpful "Just think about what you are missing by being there. You're family needs you." Because I hadn't thought about that every single day I was gone!

Finally, I stopped calling. I had the social worker call and give my mom some information about post traumatic stress disorder and treatment. The social worker said my mom listened but then repeated that she needs to know that I know what I am missing at home. It hurt a lot and I was scared to make any contact with my parents once I returned home.

Then, one day a few weeks ago, I was really struggling. I was supposed to pick my boys up from daycare and my mom was supposed to come and help with dinner. I felt utterly alone in my despair and knew I was headed for a dangerous place. My therapist was out of the country. I knew I needed someone to be with me. So I took a chance. I messaged my mom and said "I know you can't understand what I am going through, but I am having a really bad day today." That's all I wrote. She called a but later and said she would be over early and she'd come with me to pick up the boys. When she got to my house, she said "You're right I don't understand what you're going through, but I do understand that you have bad days. And I will always be here for you and will always love you. I am very proud of you." and she hugged me. And I was so thankful for her support. That's all I needed then was that unconditional love.

I have given up hope that my parents will believe any details or have an ability to understand what my life is like. And it does still hurt that I know they don't believe me. And I dread the day (if ever it comes) when I have to explain that I have DID, too. I really don't think they'd understand or believe that one. So for now I just accept that they understand that I have bad days and that I need support and that is their way of loving me. I can understand denial, too. If I were my parents, I would feel extremely guilty if I knew my child had been sexually abused and I hadn't been able to prevent it. I know because I've had to deal with something like this with my son (not direct abuse, but good intentions gone horribly wrong) and I have so much guilt about not having been more aware to stop it or to stand up to the person who did it. I don't deny that it happened, but I could see how a parent could find that easier. It doesn't make it right, but we are all human and we all can have strong reactions.

I feel like I have been rambling now, but I hope something in this response helps you.

 

[Seasounds]

I add: in the end, for me, was to work with and to connect to my truth, and let other people have their truth.

Standing with my experience, has been a core event, of reclaiming myself. It resonates all the way back to events, when I wasn't even given the option to have a perspective, or given the option to act on my behalf-from my perspective. Learning how to do this with social grace, was another step.

The argument of 'what is true', 'what is the truth', is and will be, on going.

The wondrous skills you are demonstrating-of being aware of, and listening-physically, emotionally, spiritually, to your truth, and additionally, standing with your truth, is inspiring! :hug:

 

[Catlovers141]

Thank you all for your responses. I want to give a little more detail on what happened recently. I still am not sure that it was this person (my uncle) who abused me, but I brought it up to my parents last March because he was coming to an upcoming family gathering and I was feeling uncomfortable with seeing/interacting with him. They did not believe me then, and I let it go until last weekend, when for some reason I was feeling brave and impulsive and told them about something that a trusted family member told me (that someone else in the family had a similar experience with my uncle when he was in high school). I thought that sharing that experience might give more credibility to mine, but since I won't tell who told me that, they think it is someone who is not credible and are choosing not to believe it.

I can see taking things with a grain of salt. I doubt my memories are 100% accurate. But that doesn't mean that they are inaccurate either. Most memories are not *completely* accurate. My issue is that they are essentially refusing to see the possibility that something really did happen that they were not aware of (abusers are sneaky and things can happen fast).

This isn't quite the same, but see my cute, sweet little cat in my profile picture? He is my world. And he is absolutely terrified of the people who do maintenance in my apartment. Do I think they hurt him, or that he has an objectively valid reason to be afraid (i.e. are they really a threat to his wellbeing)? No. And I can't completely keep them out of his life, because things do occasionally break and they need to come in. But, I support him in his fear. I hold him and don't let the maintenance people touch him, without being rude to them about it. This is essentially what I want from my parents. You don't have to believe absolutely everything that I say (though I would really like that). But I do wish that my needs could be considered along with all the other ones, and for my feelings to be taken seriously. It is possible to support me without thinking that everything I think and fear is 100% accurate.

 

[Stickler]

...I'm given to understand that repressed memories are likely to be no more and no less accurate than ones you always had access to?
So, details are usually going to be incorrect. But the general gist is right.
...Honestly, I don't want to believe the memories for a bit when they arrive.

My mom feels horribly ( and somewhat inappropriately ) guilty for what my dad got away with?
One doesn't generally entertain the idea that one's spouse/ cousin/ uncle/ sister/ dad/ best friend is sexually assaulting your kid... You trust them
Denial plays a part, true. There are usually signs something really bad is going on, *if you know what to look for*. Minding the fact that most kids don't talk...

...But abusers also abuse the trust other adults place in them.
As my guy said, " I can't think of any worse betrayal than my partner abusing my kid. I'd rather they shot me."

 

[Catlovers141]

@Stickler I don't want to believe them either. I am now 24 years old, and I spent almost 20 years trying not to believe what deep down inside I always knew. Things have become so much more difficult since focusing on memories, but I also feel "right" -- I know I'm moving in the right direction. Denial is a form of protection, and it is natural to not want to believe the memories, but there comes a point where the denial just makes things worse and you feel you have to face whatever it is.

 

[Friday]

This is essentially what I want from my parents. You don't have to believe absolutely everything that I say (though I would really like that). But I do wish that my needs could be considered along with all the other ones, and for my feelings to be taken seriously. It is possible to support me without thinking that everything I think and fear is 100% accurate.

You might try telling them ^^^^ this.

I know for my mom... It would have no traction whatsoever. (Nothing would. It's a status thing. Nothing I tell her has merit, because she's the adult/I'm the child :roll eyes: I haven't been a child for 20 years! But in her mind, I'm not a peer & never will be. A friend/ someone she views as a peer? That, she would consider. But not from me.) From me? It would be ridiculous , and not only dismissed, but dismissed in a blaze of fury, and held against me for some time.

I know for my dad... It would have instant traction. He's logical, and would take a step back, and that is exactly what would get him on side. In perpetuity.

((Neither of my parents are abusive. They're just people. And people have quirks.))

***

ETA... Wasn't doubting any kind of authenticity in your memories, btw. Just sharing a parents perspective on why "Nope! Didn't happen!" Is such a knee jerk response when there is any kind of cognitive dissonance between what kids remember & what they remember. 20+ years of any kind of discrepancy or weirdness = kid has got it wrong ... And having that be correct (no they didn't ride in an ambulance this weekend, no the house didn't burn down, no we're not having another baby, no we never took you to Disneyland but never left the parking lot, no you have not always hated chicken, no I am not a secret agent, no I did not pass out under the car -changing oil-, no I never said you could ride the dog, no this, no that, no this... To the kid themselves, friends, family, teachers, and every living thing they share these wild stories with... Easily thousands of times a year when little, and hundreds of times a year after... Grinds in a habit of casual dismissal / disbelief / contempt prior to investigation. Even when they love the snot out of you!

 

[Ronin]

Also dropping in to say ^^ can also work with parent-figures. It's a dynamics things, not about you, more about them being a parent to you. Parents do it, well intentioned or not.

It sure gets frustrating and another level of crazy when not well intentioned / deliberately dismissing everything you're coming through, I'd just keep an open mind to the idea this is about their head to sort, not yours, and as such leave concerning myself with it, out for when I have the spoons.

You're not responsible for anyone's wrong ideation, period.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I am so sorry you are struggling with so little support. I understand your need for validation. I am 57 and just recently realized how much I am still seeking validation from some family members.
I have been doing a lot of work the past several months. At some point I had to ask myself if I was seeking outside validation because at some level I am still in denial. Actually, at many levels.

I need to validate myself, my experience and the all that goes with it.

For me this is a difficult process because a shift in thinking came along with the realization my denial was how I avoided seeing those I loved differently and feeling/coping with the anger of betrayal.

If I don't validate myself, even if someone does say affirming words they can't take root and are meaningless.

When I do validate myself and stand in my truth, others input, good or bad has no effect because in owning my truth, I own my power.

It's grueling work that I need to embrace because it's a lifestyle/creating new thinking pathways in the brain kind of change.

I have three grown children who will recall some past incident differently or quote something I said and not only do I have no recollection but I often don't believe it is something I would ever say.
Recently I started telling my kids while I don't recall it, I don't deny it happened. I might follow it up with a confirming, "that was f***ed up" and listen to what else they need to say. It's a start.

I know I wanted to give my children better than I had and I did. I just didn't have the life experience to focus on what better meant. My rationalization was if A, B, and C wasn't happening, I was giving them better than I had. Not necessarily what they needed, deserved or enough.
My self-hatred, unacknowledged anger, PTSD and dissociative influences never earned me the Donna Reed award.

By validating my own experience and acknowledging my own bits of memory, I was able to see how at times I emotionally traumatized, abused and abandoned my children.

I have told each of them separately what I came to realize. Each one immediately came to my defense. They know I loved them and did the best I could. All true and I agree. That doesn't change the fact they deserved more and they are justified in their pain. I am here to listen if they ever need to talk.

This development is very recent and I am still sifting through it. I don't seek redemption. I am doing the best I can today by validating them as a mother and by standing in my truth without beating myself.
I am fortunate my kids love me and they know I love them. Still there is some inner ass kicking going on here in Wonderland. Personally, I think that's normal and necessary. So is practicing self forgiveness and compassion. I'll get there.

Educate yourself as much as you can about childhood trauma, PTSD, dissociative disorder, and other anxiety disorders. Search on the Internet using the preceding terms and you will find all kinds of book suggestions. Read their synopsis and when one grabs your recognition see if you can order it from your library. If you decide it's a keeper and fits in your budget you might want to buy your own copy. I have to warn you taking this route can lead to an extensive kindle and hard copy collection of books. :-)

Don't forget to write and write and write some more.

 

[Catlovers141]

@FridayJones I know you were not questioning my memories. I appreciate you bringing up other points of view that parents might have. I just wish that for my parents, "taking it with a grain of salt" didn't mean completely not believing me.

 

[Catlovers141]

@Alice.in.Wonderland you sound like a great parent. I wish my parents had the self-awareness that you seem to have. All parents make mistakes and are learning from their own childhood experiences, and the important thing is often acknowledging that and any negative effects that your children have had. That can be very difficult to do, so kudos to do.

To everyone, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. One thing I've been thinking of as I read these responses, is how everyday and trauma memories are encoded differently. So when people do research on memory, they often research everyday memory because you can't induce a trauma in someone to study their memory (ethics!). But the implications of the research often don't carry over to trauma memories, so conclusions about that can't be made. I think about this also in relation to the responses here about everyday-type memories that their children have had. No memory of any type can be accurate, but processes that happen with everyday memories are different from those of trauma memories, so the two are not comparable in all ways.

 

[void]

I have always thought that I was sexually abused, but never had any memory of it. Two years ago I...

"My Parents Think I Have False Memories." "and I spent almost 20 years trying not to believe what deep down inside I always knew."

These 2 quotes from you tell the story.
They 'think' they know, and you 'always knew'.

Trust yourself. You know what you know. They can only 'think' they know.

@Catlovers141...I believe you, I trust your truth.:hug:

Peace to you.:hug: