Sexual Assault My Second Worst Memory

[bluebird]

This is something that happened to me when I was fourteen. I started dating a boy, who was a few years older. I don´t even know why. Probably because he asked me and I said yes, because I didn´t even think saying no is a legitimate option. So, we were dating. It was all kind of new and I managed to feel like being in love - but it had nothing to do with this boy, it was just my imagination...
In fact, I don´t think he actually cared for me a lot. It was always me waiting for him after school, it was always me waiting at bus stop for his bus - and then I walked alone. It was always me who tried to do anything, while he never bothered asking me why I used to cry and shiver so much. I mean - he wasn´t really bad to me, he didn´t hurt me on purpose, he simply did not care about my feelings and didn´t believe those were such painful experiences for me.
When he first touched my butt, he even asked me after doing so, if he can, but I said yes, you can. I did mind. But I said I didn´t. We used to kiss quite passionately, which was... wierd to me. I knew he was aroused. But it was still quite ok, I didn´t mind him touching my breasts, but I definitely did not want to go further.
Then he touched me down there, it was very rough, almost violent, and grabbed my hand and made me touch him. I blacked out. I didn´t even remember how did it happen, I was frozen in fear, trapped in my childhood memory, just a lost puppet... I tried to shrank away, but he was too strong and didn´t let my hand go - I tried again, finally I made it. I broke down, I wasn´t able to speak, to stand on my own feet. He seemed shocked. He said he didn´t want to hurt me. But he did. He promised it won´t happen again, that he cared about me... I trusted him, being such a fool. I should have run away, but I couldn´t. I never though I mattered.
It was happening all over and over again, I always fell into my memory and could not resist. Then I broke down again, shivering, not even able to cry. He promised. Said he loved me. And then it was the same again. For almost a year. Anytime it happened I told him it was killing me and he made promises he never kept.

And then there was this one moment, my second worst memory, when we were talking, kissing, it was fine, there was grass, we were lying on the ground, hugging each other, kissing more and more passionately and then I remeber him lying on me, still kissing, we both had clothes, but he was touching me and I blacked out, than he started to move on me - again and agin, it was rough, there wasn´t even a slitghtest hint of tenderness, I didn´t respond, his lips were on my lips but i didn´t respond, he had to notice, it was just my empty body and yet I could not scream or even move.
It wasn´t actuall rape, since he was dressed. But it felt like that. It was painfull. I was lying silently, like a rag doll somebody threw away, his body was heavy and I felt his breath and i just waited and waited until it ends, I waited for him to notice... But he did not. The pain was like neverending nightmare. Then I managed to come back to myself and I pushed him away... Then I stayed lying here, my body was aching but my heart was aching even more. He promised. He apologized. I didn´t even cry. And behind my closed eyelids was crying a little girl, who was hurt again by somebody who said he loved her and cared about her. I told him these things hurt me. I tried to speak as much as I could. But he didn´t care at all, he never asked me what is wrong... And yet he kept saying he didn´t feel ok with that, he was also a christian... but he still kept doing it! He never cared about my feelings when we were intimate, all he was interested in was his own gratification.
And I feel horribly guilty, because after this I stayed with him for a few months, until he left me.This didn´t happen again, but the rest continued in the same way. II felt I am to be blamed, that it is my body, which tempts him, that I am a terrible, terrible person. After he left me, saying we don´t have much in common - yeah, how could we, when this relationship was built on his sexual desire and my unability to say no before I fell apart... But I didn´t know it was wrong, I assumed it is the way it has to be - it felt the same like when I was abused at the age of three. It was also very rough, no tenderness. I never had right to say no. I didn´t matter. The little girl didn´t matter. This boy also made me promise to him I won´t tell anyone. The same words. The same vicious circle. And I feel horrible because I didn´t protect this little girl inside of me.
I still blame myself for not being able to escape from this relationship and for letting myself be hurt so much for almost a year... Anytime I tried to date somebody, I said no or pushed these men slightly away and it was respected... But not by this boy. He made me feel like a puppet in his hands and I never blamed him, only myself.
Although my best friend told me he did completely understand I could not escape, since I was just re-experiencing my childhood, during which I could not escape as well. My friend said he didn´t stop loving me after I had told him that, as he never though about me as the one who is to be responsible. My therapist told me the same. It was not my fault. Not at the age of fourteen, nor during my childhood.

My brain gets it, but not my heart. The words of self-hate and worthlessness are written too deep. And I don´t even blame my granduncle for using my trust and love for him when I was three years old... I just keep blaming myslef, my body, my inability to run away, to scream, because it is easier then to ask why did somebody who was supposed to take care of me hurt me instead...

 

[Lucycat]

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!

I am so sorry that you went through this.

I can see that you already know all the answers. You understand that you froze because of prior experiences. You were being manipulated by a boy with raging hormones. Most likely yours were in total confusion also.

It is easy for us to feel captive when we have not learned that we can say 'no'. It is easy to believe that we are simply 'toys' for the people that want to abuse us. It is incredibly difficult to challenge the learning of those early years.

You have to get from hearing that it is not your fault, to truly believing that with all your heart. Keep repeating it to yourself every day. One day, you will realise that it is the truth.

 

[bluebird]

Thank you!
I hope it will be getting better.

...you know, it´s kind of strange these feelings come back whenever a man I have feelings for hugs me... I understand it was a way to deal with being abused, I just left my body to be empty so I didn´t feel the pain and fear, but know in my adulthood it poisons these things which are supposed to be pleasant and mean something.
Last time, when my dear and beloved friend held me in his arms, I froze again, but only inside, even him, who knows me so well, could not have noticed...

I told him after more than one week during a phone call filled with my tears that I fell into my childhood memories and into the memories of fourteen-years-old myself and all he held was my empty body, I was gone away, while a little girl was crying desperetly behind closed eyelids... And that during this moment I grew afraid of him and later in my mind I started to blame him for coming to me and hugging me, considering myself and my body responsible for his desire, as he already has made some serious decisions and his life does not include any possibility of marrying me... And I blamed myslef for somehow seducing him to sit next to me and hug me and making his life complicated simply by my existence... It´s just difficult for both of us to stay so close and not cross the line from deep pity and tenderness and friendship...

And I kept blaming myself for not being able to tell him I felt that way. And it was incredibly difficult to see him a few weeks later, I was scared, because his face somehow grew similar to the faces of those, who hurt me so long time ago. I thought I wouldn´t be able to see him at all, him, whom I loved with all my heart, him, who always listened to the little girl who was left all alone in the darkness. And I was determined to kill myself. But then I managed to tell him all these things, thinking he would hate me for these feelings, but he said he would never stop loving me and caring for me and I had the right to feel anything I felt. And that he would always be a friend of mine and wouldn´t abondon me and would try to be more responsible, not to act as a swine, because he did not mean to hurt me and yet he did so, unknowingly, and we better wouldn´t stay alone together. It was and still is hard to believe hearing something like that is acutally possible :)

He said he was terribly sorry I did not speak but he understood it was so difficult for me to raise my voice. He said he did not know I was gone and told me I mattered - and that he had no idea it was painful for me, during these brief moments he held me in his arms and was tenderly touching my body it seemed to him I was here and felt the same way as he did - that he cared for me and loved me and never ever had wanted to have me as a puppet. It was so good to hear these words from him... :)

...and maybe in the future I will learn to speak for myself and some day I will fall in love with somebody and I will actually want this man to hug me, and then I won´t just leave my emptied body and let it be a mirror and rag doll. Because I am a human being and I do matter! :)

 

[Tricie]

Yes you do matter! I am so happy that your friend heard the little girl's voice inside of you who has been crying out for years. As I read your messages I begin to think about how my 13 yr old niece will reflect back on being raped by a boy around her age who she thought she could trust.
I think it's important for you survivors of rape to continue to fight back for your since of independence everyday and keep removing the blame from yourself.
Also ... to only surround yourself with people who love and care about you.
This horrible crime happened last week so unfortunately anytime I think of the 4th of July I will associate it with what has happened to her
I will continue to pray that you will eventually have a more positive association with receiving affection from a man.