E
Ezafo
This is the story about how I got PTSD.
I was 17 and I thought i was in love with someone who took advantage of my vulnerability. He was 22 going on 23 and his life was in shambles. But I thought since I was young that I could fix him and everything would be okay. Then after I had sex with him he started to see me as property. So he began hitting me left and right. And since I was young and didn’t know any better .. I thought it was normal. And one day he had hit me so hard that I found the strength to hit him back. My outfits had to be approved by him and at one point my phone had to have all the phone calls and text messages otherwise that meant I was a liar and a cheater.
this caused me to have super awareness of my surroundings wondering when he would flare up and get mad over something he saw on his phone on the way home and pick a fight with me over it. So at one point we were okay , and I missed my period . So I got myself checked and behold I was pregnant.
Little did I know that he was telling my friends he did it on purpose so that no one would love me and so that if he left me no one would be with me and I would get ugly and fat.
So he became nicer as the days went by and would tell me he wanted the baby and gave her a name and all and said he loved it.
But my parents didn’t even know I was dating him. So when I explained it to them and they met him , they weren’t gonna have any of that.
He was a drug addict with prior convictions who couldn’t land a job and lived in his basement.
So my parents met him and his mother and began explaining to me that I could not have this child. And it went against everything I believed in , but they pinned me in a corner of the room and every minute wouldn’t let me leave and kept telling me how I could absolutely not have this child. So I made an appointment to plan parenthood . Doing everything everyone else was telling me to because they wouldn’t shut up unless I did . And every day up until my appointment in planned parenthood ... I would lay in my bed and cry and cry and couldn’t stop crying .
I would sit on the bathroom floor and cry and the emotions were so overwhelming that I couldn’t handle them anymore and I started to suppress all of it.
The day of my appointment I walked in and the nurse was immediately rude to me , you would think since i was young and I walked in crying that she would have some sympathy. They told me I had to get undressed for the internal ultrasound . I got undressed and laid down and I still remember all the smells and what the ceiling looked like and the face of the nurse . And I had to do it all alone . No one was allowed in with me and I was afraid of needles and they had to prick me and explain things to me three times so I could understand.
The carelessness and lack of empathy in both of the nurses that day ... they walked in , and she got the stick (sorry I don’t remember what it was called) didn’t even acknowledge that I was there and was talking to her friend who wasn’t supposed to be in the room and they’re both looking at my bottom giggling while I’m naked from the waist down with my feet up in the stirrs, and proceeded to shove that up inside me and confirmed that I had one pregnancy. And then asked me if I wanted a photo and when I said yes , she whispered to her friend and then looked at me , and said why do you want a photo if your gonna kill your baby. And walked out and threw the picture at me .
& I tried to keep it together but when she left the room I couldn’t stop crying . And I got dressed and another woman came in and gave me the pills and told me how I had to take it .
I go home and long story short , I find out from my boyfriend that he didn’t even want the baby . He just “ said so because of how strongly I believe in my religion”. And I broke up with him.
Fastforward, we get a call that my cousin is giving birth. And without even asking me my family takes me to go see her . And I sat in the corner and pretended like I was sick so I wouldn’t have to touch her or look at her . Just wondering how did this happen to me . How I was forced to make that choice because I wasn’t in the emotional state to be making choices .
And now I’m left with this scar and I suppress all the memories because it’s beyond overwhelming , and agonizing pain. And once I start crying , it’s so hard to stop. I just cry myself to sleep thinking about why this happened to me and saying it was my fault and how I was so stupid and should have been smarter than to trust someone like that.
The upside is that I have now found the love of my life who wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I was honest with him about everything but i still have this scar and it’s hard to deal with sometimes and he tries so hard I just don’t know what to tell him or how to help him to help me when I have my days when I’m reminded of what happened and the memories come back through. Sometimes it’s just paralyzing , I start shaking , I can’t stop crying , and I can’t even move . I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I was 17 and I thought i was in love with someone who took advantage of my vulnerability. He was 22 going on 23 and his life was in shambles. But I thought since I was young that I could fix him and everything would be okay. Then after I had sex with him he started to see me as property. So he began hitting me left and right. And since I was young and didn’t know any better .. I thought it was normal. And one day he had hit me so hard that I found the strength to hit him back. My outfits had to be approved by him and at one point my phone had to have all the phone calls and text messages otherwise that meant I was a liar and a cheater.
this caused me to have super awareness of my surroundings wondering when he would flare up and get mad over something he saw on his phone on the way home and pick a fight with me over it. So at one point we were okay , and I missed my period . So I got myself checked and behold I was pregnant.
Little did I know that he was telling my friends he did it on purpose so that no one would love me and so that if he left me no one would be with me and I would get ugly and fat.
So he became nicer as the days went by and would tell me he wanted the baby and gave her a name and all and said he loved it.
But my parents didn’t even know I was dating him. So when I explained it to them and they met him , they weren’t gonna have any of that.
He was a drug addict with prior convictions who couldn’t land a job and lived in his basement.
So my parents met him and his mother and began explaining to me that I could not have this child. And it went against everything I believed in , but they pinned me in a corner of the room and every minute wouldn’t let me leave and kept telling me how I could absolutely not have this child. So I made an appointment to plan parenthood . Doing everything everyone else was telling me to because they wouldn’t shut up unless I did . And every day up until my appointment in planned parenthood ... I would lay in my bed and cry and cry and couldn’t stop crying .
I would sit on the bathroom floor and cry and the emotions were so overwhelming that I couldn’t handle them anymore and I started to suppress all of it.
The day of my appointment I walked in and the nurse was immediately rude to me , you would think since i was young and I walked in crying that she would have some sympathy. They told me I had to get undressed for the internal ultrasound . I got undressed and laid down and I still remember all the smells and what the ceiling looked like and the face of the nurse . And I had to do it all alone . No one was allowed in with me and I was afraid of needles and they had to prick me and explain things to me three times so I could understand.
The carelessness and lack of empathy in both of the nurses that day ... they walked in , and she got the stick (sorry I don’t remember what it was called) didn’t even acknowledge that I was there and was talking to her friend who wasn’t supposed to be in the room and they’re both looking at my bottom giggling while I’m naked from the waist down with my feet up in the stirrs, and proceeded to shove that up inside me and confirmed that I had one pregnancy. And then asked me if I wanted a photo and when I said yes , she whispered to her friend and then looked at me , and said why do you want a photo if your gonna kill your baby. And walked out and threw the picture at me .
& I tried to keep it together but when she left the room I couldn’t stop crying . And I got dressed and another woman came in and gave me the pills and told me how I had to take it .
I go home and long story short , I find out from my boyfriend that he didn’t even want the baby . He just “ said so because of how strongly I believe in my religion”. And I broke up with him.
Fastforward, we get a call that my cousin is giving birth. And without even asking me my family takes me to go see her . And I sat in the corner and pretended like I was sick so I wouldn’t have to touch her or look at her . Just wondering how did this happen to me . How I was forced to make that choice because I wasn’t in the emotional state to be making choices .
And now I’m left with this scar and I suppress all the memories because it’s beyond overwhelming , and agonizing pain. And once I start crying , it’s so hard to stop. I just cry myself to sleep thinking about why this happened to me and saying it was my fault and how I was so stupid and should have been smarter than to trust someone like that.
The upside is that I have now found the love of my life who wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I was honest with him about everything but i still have this scar and it’s hard to deal with sometimes and he tries so hard I just don’t know what to tell him or how to help him to help me when I have my days when I’m reminded of what happened and the memories come back through. Sometimes it’s just paralyzing , I start shaking , I can’t stop crying , and I can’t even move . I just don’t know what to do anymore.
