My Wife Is Suffering From Ptsd

[mikehoncho]

I love my wife very much. We have been married for a month, dating two years before that. Overall we’ve had a wonderful relationship. It has been without a doubt the most enjoyable time in my life.

In our dating period we learned how to discuss things very productively. One thing that I’ve learned from her is the need to ask for clarification when something is uncertain (as opposed to carrying assumptions and bottling down feelings).

An example is one time in which we were driving to a party of a friend of hers. We were both tired. I asked her how long she wanted to stay. She replied, “I don’t know, why do you ask?” While I may have been inclined to get offended at the question, her reasoning for asking the question centered around clarifying my desire to know instead of wondering “Does he not want to be here with me?” “Does he hate my friends?” “Is this not important to him?” While I was not used to this at first, we have used this strategy often to avoid bottled up feelings of resentment.

Now we both have come from families that carry some degree of dysfunction. My family often lacks boundaries, we don’t communicate very well and we bottle things in. Her childhood, on the other hand, involved constant verbal abuse from her mother. She has had many issues dealing with this. Most of her past relationships were mere repeats of this type of abuse.

Since our marriage has begun I feel like her anxieties have escalated exponentially. Little things turn into huge problems. Now I can understand that a new marriage has growing pains. However, things are getting worse and I’m worried.

Yesterday was our most recent issue. She had bought a lamp set. I at times am cautious about spending money, especially now since we are trying to get our home together and it’s become costly. However, she has the right to purchase what she wants. She has her own job and I respect her judgment.

I decided to use our clarification technique to ask a few questions and then leave the issue alone. I asked where she got them from and where they were going to go. I didn’t even ask how much they cost. She got very offended and said things like, “I’M DOING THESE THINGS FOR US, FOR OUR HOUSE. WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT.” I tried to explain to her that everything was fine and that I simply wanted to know a bit more. I had no intention of lecturing her.

Three hours followed in which she was crying trying to justify her purchase, which I was well past. I was actually more worried about how this discussion got out of hand. Then we went to our priest (which we were schedule to for a marriage meeting) in which we discussed this issue further. He explained three things:

• That it’s acceptable to be asking questions for clarification.
• That it’s important as a newly married couple not to be hard on yourselves.
• Deep rooted anxieties are beyond his expertise and that a therapist may be necessary.

After our talk with the priest I felt we were on the same page. I felt like we overcame a hurdle and I carried some relief. That is until we got home.

When we got home she was in a state of panic. She was grabbing her chest and breathing really hard. She continued to yell and rant about things that made no sense in my mind. Such as:

• NOBODY HEARS ME
• NOBODY LISTENS TO ME
• EVERYBODY HURTS ME
• I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH
• I HAVE TO BE PERFECT
• YOU HATE ME
• DON’T YOU DISAGREE WITH ME
• The list goes on

Her screams were so loud that I could feel it piercing my ears. Our priest said that it’s good to hold her when she’s in such a state of panic.

This was not the first time that this happened. I felt that the best course of action was to let her say what was on her mind. Taking the time to says “I listen to you”….”you don’t have to be perfect”….. “you are good enough” wouldn’t have done any good. She was in her dark place and I could not get her out.

Afterwards she thanked me for listened. She said “I appreciate you humbling yourself.” She’s often talking about her need to be heard. I want her to feel heard. However, as of lately it seems that being heard means she says whatever is on her mind, no matter how much it hurts me. And if I disagree or show and vulnerability, it means she’s not being heard. I feel no room for my own feelings in this equation.

She saw a therapist today. I have no idea how it went though I hope it went well. I feel very hurt right now. I’ve tried so hard to give her a nice safe place for her to feel loved. However, it seems the slightest trigger can throw off everything…..leading her to fear and resent me.

I’m scared and I feel alone. I need my own therapy. I’m looking for a support group for PTSD. She got offended at her going herself so that’s one more thing for me to be in the doghouse for. Up to this point we’ve always been able to talk through things. However, her recent stress level shows me that we clearly need outside assistance. I have no doubt that this will continue to happen.

 

[mikehoncho]

One more thing I'd like to add. I know that there are men out there who go after fragile women in hope to control them. That is not me. I'm drawn to my wife not only because she is a lovely and caring woman....but also because I understand that feeling of despair myself as I spent a lot of my life feeling the same way. I want to give her the life that she should have had years ago.

 

[joeylittle]

Has your wife been diagnosed with PTSD? Why was she offended at the idea of going to a group if she is already in individual therapy - can you give a little more detail about her response to the suggestion?

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @mghondo , welcome to you.

I am impressed at your level of understanding of your wife, your self-knowledge, your obvious love, respect & kindness for your wife, & attempts to understand, & your communication skills. :tup:

I will let others answer, but given all of what you have said I would not panic. And as you said, it was a panic attack for her, wherein much of this came out. (Someone on the forum labeled this for me 'verbal vomit' & as tasteless as that term is it IS like almost solid self-hatred, fear & pain).

Any support you can get, please do.

Only one thing I can see left out here, when you were asking about the lamps. (For me) 'emotion' is a huge cue or explanatory for me (& it can be a huge trigger as well). Just speaking for myself, if you asked "where were they to go?" & seemed enthusiastic or happy, that would reduce (my) stress. And it would open the door to more communication (& that communication might even include returning the lamps! I do understand the financial concerns & am not advocating spending for symptom control.)

In really any relationship I think sometimes we have to somewhat embrace (& enjoy) the different likes, tastes, qualities of each other etc. With ptsd it is very very hard to take baby steps of the 'normal things' people take for granted (making a purchase can be like hell on earth for all the triggers it can present & for all the parts it takes to accomplish it, for example. It reminds me of my grandfather, hearing that when he was very ill/ dying (he was young) he made skis for my dad. A lot of 'simple' things for people with ptsd to do are like that. They 'require' battling a lot.) Patience, kindness & being really really steady is huge. Even if you can inject humor at the right time it can help. :) The fact she even let you touch her in such a moment is also huge. Your communication with each other is extremely good (especially with someone who has ptsd).

I suspect the expectations she is putting on herself are immense.

Did you read the article on here about the 'stress cup' explanation?

Best wishes for you both. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm concerned that you are walking on eggshells.

Yes, she has a right to be heard, but that does NOT give her a license to be emotionally abusive. When you are both in a clear minded sort of space, I suggest setting a firm boundary where you tell her that you will indeed listen to her but the moment that she becomes verbally abusive, that privilege ends. This way you are telling her that you support her need to be heard, but you won't be a doormat and accept her verbal abuse. She will likely balk at this the first few times, but the ball is in her court and she has full control over whether or not she is heard. If you accept her verbal abuse in the name of giving her a voice, the abuse will only escalate. She needs firm boundaries.

I understand wanting to find a PTSD support group, but my understanding is that most are for sufferers (and those can be hard to find). I haven't heard of any that are for both sufferers and supporters. Such a dynamic would be quite difficult for both sides as it would stifle the conversations that sufferers could have with each other in that there are lots of things that only other sufferers truly understand, and many of the things that supporters need to discuss would be hurtful to a sufferer if the sufferer isn't in the right frame of mind. If you wander around the forum, you may see what I mean if you look at sufferer threads and then look at the supporter threads. I know that I oftentimes need to stay out of the supporter threads as the opinions or reactions to sufferers can seem hurtful (but isn't).

I know that NAMI has support groups around the country, but they aren't just for PTSD. Like I said, it can be hard to find a PTSD only group, and if you do, it is likely to be for vets only. NAMI also sponsors a once a year "educational" type class for supporters of those with all sorts of different mental disorders. My parents went to it (well, my dad more than my mom), and he found it to be extremely helpful.

Again, I fear that you are walking on eggshells after getting reamed out for suggesting a support group for her alone. You shouldn't be in the doghouse for trying to get her all the help she can find.

 

[TLight]

Wow...all I can say is I wish I had an experience with a man like you.

My ex was one of the controlling types and NEVER HEARD ME. I'd have exactly the same reaction as your wife, although I admit the circumstances you mentioned are a little perplexing to me. That's big trigger for me......no being heard. It's awful. Brings on helplessness, hopelessness, and extreme terror.

 

[mikehoncho]

Has your wife been diagnosed with PTSD? Why was she offended at the idea of going to a group if she is already in individual therapy - can you give a little more detail about her response to the suggestion?

Her reaction was along the lines of the fact that she felt like it was too much ontop of getting the house together and going to her own therapy. I think deep down she was afraid that I was being too controlling, another common element to her past. After a little more explaining I was about to make it clear that I wanted to be involved as much as I could with her healing process. I didn't want to get send her to a shrink to get fixed......the healing process actually interests me.

After explaining that, which also took a while, we came to an understanding. My fear is when the next issue arises.

 

[mikehoncho]

I understand wanting to find a PTSD support group, but my understanding is that most are for sufferers (and those can be hard to find). I haven't heard of any that are for both sufferers and supporters.

I'll keep this in mind as I certainly don't want to be in the wrong group. I'll make sure I know what I, and we, are getting into before hand.

 

[mikehoncho]

I'd have exactly the same reaction as your wife, although I admit the circumstances you mentioned are a little perplexing to me. That's big trigger for me......no being heard. It's awful. Brings on helplessness, hopelessness, and extreme terror.

I believe she truly feels hopeless. After trying very hard to allow her to feel heard, I think that there is much more to it. She's feeling trapped in her past in which she was truly not heard. And if she stays trapped in that world it will not matter what I do. Therefore, I think we need to look to outside assistance.

 

[ghotiff]

When she gets into on of these modes it is not okay for you to become a verbal punching bag. With this in mind I would be looking for another way.

I don't know your situation but sometimes helping her recognize she is in this mode and them doing something to help her self soothe. Maybe run her a bath with oils, or put on her favorite TV show, or giving her permission to go lie down.

Just thoughts.

 

[TLight]

ghotiff...I know when it has happened to me, I am dissociated and many times unable to control what I say or do (although I usually flee....ran all the way up a pretty intense mountain in winter one time).
I agree with the helping her to self soothe suggestions.

Not really sure if I became verbally abusive, do remember slapping my arms and hands about one time in an attempt to not be touched (restrained), because he was trying to not let me leave. The best thing is to let me leave and find a tree to feel safe again. Do not attempt to restrain me....last time he punched me and I passed out. I was a terrified little girl and I got socked to the ground.

Ask her when she's herself what you can do to calm her. Perhaps when she's starting to trigger, ask her what exactly she needs to be heard, and heartfelt and clearly, over and over. Like a 'reminder'....to come back to the present. Because if you can be a source of reassurance, that would be a huge move in her healing. Especially if she was abused by a man or men.

I always kept trying with men because a part of me knew that that was essential for my healing. Hence, at 50 and with this last one....the emotional abuse and lack of empathy seriously almost killed me. My health is shot and risking it again is NOT a possibility anymore.

Again......kuddos for being a good man. Nice to know they are out there.

 

[TLight]

And you are right in the title.......we are SUFFERING TREMENDOUSLY...this brain injury is a living nightmare. It has drastically affected my life in so many ways and I still truly look forward to when this whole trip is all over.

It helps for carers to understand that we are truly horrifically suffering. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.