Need Advice And Discussion

[SpentRound3503]

BACKGROUND: Four years ago I dated a guy (I'll call him Joe) who was as good as they get - honest, truly pure intentions - but of course it didn't work out. We just weren't meant for each other, so we became friends instead and actually got to know each other much better. I had been raped a year before I met him and was having a lot of trouble with it. Joe was the first guy since the rape. He never directly knew I was raped (he probably guessed at some point) but he talked me back off the ledge dozens of times without even knowing it. There's A LOT more to this story, but to make it short, Joe's a Marine who stepped on an IED in Afghanistan about a year and a half ago. He barely kept his leg and has been miraculously in great spirits. I came back from Afghanistan (Afg) myself a few months before Joe left for Afg. My head was all messed up about that too and it was making my four year old rape not so old. *** This guy just came from a place where a bunch of his friends died and he was in a hospital bed on a floor of the building entirely devoted to his platoon. Joe knew every guy on that floor because they'd got hit weeks or months before he did, and Joe was the only one there who was not an amputee! On top of that, at this point this guy doesn't know yet if he'll keep his leg or if he's holding out just to lose it later. Consider all that, then think about the fact that this guy is the one keeping ME off the ledge. He really is the kind of guy you think only exists in the movies or something!

THE STICKY PART: A friend of Joe's (Bob), whom Joe previously deployed with, flew in when he heard Joe stepped on an IED. Bob got him an apartment so he had a place to stay when he finally got out of the hospital and he visited him regularly. I already knew Bob, so I helped him out when he first got to California with transportation and a place to stay. Bob is also the one who called and told me when Joe got hit in Afg. About six months after Joe came back from Afg, his best friend became my second rapist. I didn't report it, and I never told Joe; I didn't see the point. I can't believe Bob would ever lay a hand on Joe's wife because, frankly, I think he's scared of him, so I couldn't see any reason to turn Joe's world upside down when he's finally got it right side up.

QUESTION: I wasn't in therapy at that time. About six months later when I finally was, my therapist told me that not telling Joe what Bob did was a smart, unselfish choice. Personally I agreed with her, but I've wanted to thank Joe for everything and I feel like I can't truely thank him when he doesn't actually even know what I'm thanking him for. I was transferred a few months ago and live in Japan now - far from Joe, Bob, or anyone else. My new therapist seems to think I'm crazy for not telling Joe. He thinks he deserves to know and would want to know that about someone he calls his friend. Although, I'm not sure Joe does still call him his friend for unrelated reasons.

I still feel like telling Joe would only add drama to lives that already have far too much of it, to include mine. When someone gets raped, people already tend to think they did something to bring it on themself. When you get raped twice, people are certain that you "asked for it" or are making it all up. So not only would I be telling him I was raped twice and his friend is the second rapist, but on top of that, there is the question of why this accusation is coming up now, just as Joe (my ex) gets married! People jump to a lot of conclusions and there's a whole bunch of conclusions in there I don't want anybody jumping to. If it comes out, Bob is the one that is there to discredit me while I'm half a world away and not able to do shit about whatever lie he's telling everyone. At the same time, I like Joe's wife and she makes him really happy, which no one deserves more. I don't think he would but if I was wrong and Bob did lay a hand on Joe's wife, I'd never forgive myself for being quiet. Afterall, I wasn't Bob's first rapee and there's no way I'll be his last.

What do you think? Should I tell Joe?

 

[Red Feather]

Yes I think you should. You can explain all your worries about telling him and how much you didn't want to tell him, and how your T was schocked that you didn't tell him. You can explain all of that. He will probably be shocked, but I agree. It is better for him to know his best friend is a rapist. That's just scary stuff.

I know it's hard if you are not around to defend yourself if Bob decides to speak out against you. That's hard. But don't you think Joe would believe you? I mean this is not something somebody would just make up. If they are not on good terms anyways, then he might have other reasons not to believe him. Joe doesn't have to address the issue to Bob, it's just good if he knows.

Hope that works out.

 

[SpentRound3503]

Nadia: Thanks for the reply. I know I got long-winded. It's really important to me to get some feedback on this. I've gone back and forth so much on this, I'm having trouble feeling good about any decision.

I don't know if Joe would believe me. He's known Bob longer than he's known me and, pardon the cliche, but they've literally saved each other's lives multiple times in Iraq. I've been there; I know how deep that goes - some unpaid rent might be reason to not talk to each other but it sure ain't bad enough terms to believe he's a rapist. To make it worse, my friendship with Joe is kind of a one-way street. I feel really close to him because of all he's done for me, but from his point of view, he's just helping out person in a jam. He doesn't feel close to me. Sure he cares - but that's what nice guys do.

Part of me agrees that he needs to know. The other part of me is worried about Joe. What if he does believe me? He just came back from his 3rd and worst deployment (Afghanistan) where he lost dozens of friends, over half of those that did come back are amputees, he almost lost his leg himself from an IED, he'll never walk right again, but he seems fine. That last part worries me the most; you can't just be "fine" after that. When you're on a ledge, sometimes one thing is all you need to fall over it.

I was just thinking about telling Joe's wife. We chit-chat on occasion anyway. If she wants to share it with him, fine; I wouldn't ask them to hide anything from each other. She doesn't know Bob like Joe does; it wouldn't have the same affect on her. Also, telling her might seem less like I was just trying to make trouble because my ex got married. I don't know if she'd believe me, but she doesn't necessarily have to. If I just place some doubt in her mind, she'll pay more attention around him anyway.

 

[Red Feather]

Probably you know what is best. That sounds feasible to me. Hope it works out well.

 

[miss_isolated]

The first therapist might have thought that Joe would go absolutely berserk on Bob and get into a lot of trouble if he knew the truth about him.

And maybe he still wonders what it is that he was helping you through before and still wants to know what it was?

I think you should tell him. I thought my brother would go and kill someone but he cried and cried. Things hardly ever turn out the way we think they will.

And I agree with mostly all of what Nadia said in her post above.

Good luck to you with whatever you decide to do.

 

[SpentRound3503]

I'm a little concerned about Joe going after Bob, but I'm more concerned about the shock he'd be in or him just confronting Bob about it and starting a drama-fest nobody wants. I just want them to know to be careful, but how do you drop a bomb like this and expect it to stop at that?

 

[cherryblossom]

You have a serious dilemma.

I totally understand that you feel the need to warn Joe and his wife. But I also think it's realistic of you to be concerned that Joe might go after Bob.

When I told my family I had been raped, both my Dad and my Brother wanted to go out and find him and kill him. It was totally unrealistic, because I didn't know who 'he' was. So the chances of them finding and killing him were non-existent. Also, neither my Dad or Brother have ever been in a physical fight in their lives, so it was never going to happen.

You have to take into account that both Joe and Bob, are combat trained, and trained to fight. That's quite a scary thought, and has serious potential for someone (and possibly the wrong person or both) getting seriously hurt. (And I'm not saying it's right for Bob to be hurt).

Perhaps speaking to Joes wife is the right way to go. Woman to woman, just airing your concern, and giving her the choice to do whatever she chooses with the information.

I really don't know the 'right' answer to your question. You certainly have a dilemma. I guess the other choices you have is to do nothing, or to take the legal path. I don't know. I hope you work something out, because it's clearly worrying you.

 

[Deleted member 14359]

CherryBlossom has made a good point that if taken further can have further implications for yourself. By saying nothing you risk the chances of someone else being a victim of rape, this will no doubt make you feel very guilty and wish you had said something.

I can only imagine how this awful dilema feels, if it was me...I would speak/ write a letter to her outlining your thoughts and feelings.

I dont think there is a right or wrong answer, but you have to choose what suits and is most comfortable for you.

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Red Feather]

I like the idea of writing a letter too. I almost always write instead of use the phone. When you write a letter to somebody, he or she has the chance to sit with the information and reflect on it before responding. It is easier that way.

 

[crazytrain]

I like writing as well, although lately even that has been difficult for me to do without the letter dripping with anger, and sarcasm. The thought that I keep coming back to on this is that there is a serious chance that Bob and/or Joe may have Combat PTSD; Joe sounds like he would be more at risk, but I would not rule out Bob either. As you undoubtedly know, combat messes with your mind big-time. This is not to excuse Bob's behaviour at all, just a way of explaining it in a way that makes sense. There usually is some sort of logic involved, although granted it is often false logic or distorted logic.

This is a tough one; I still have a screwed up hand from college. I had a "friend" that I wanted to date (she was a model for Calvin Klein) who ended up being date-raped by a kid on my floor. Nobody liked this kid; he was a silver spooner, never had to work in his life and Daddy paid for his car, education, etc. Anyway, after this girl told me about it I got sooo angry! After I went to bed that night I awoke from a very violent dream/nightmare, sat up in my bed, turned and hit the nearest thing to me. It happened to be a very hard, pressure treated piece of furniture (my wardrobe). Needless to say, my hand did not win that night! I ended up with a "puncher's fracture", which required two surgeries, two titanium pins and seven weeks to recover from. Sometimes caring too much can be very painful and expensive!

Anwho, good luck with your dilemma. Sounds like a sticky situation with no real easy answer. That is something I have learned these past few months about PTSD/DESNOS: nothing is ever easy. I would just recommend that you follow your heart. If you feel that Joe and his wife should know, then figure out a way to tell them, explaining your angst about the process, and your concern for Joe's wife's safety. This will only do good things for you in the end. It will relieve you of any future guilt if something should happen in the future. You don't need more guilt in your lap, I would bet!

'K, I will stop rambling now!
Best with this whole thing!
CT

 

[Nyx]

My therapist told me that I need to tell my mom about my father raping me. It's been something that has haunted me a lot. The main reason I didn't want to tell her is because I just think it will cause unnecessary pain. Then I went to the healing camp and the therapist there told me I didn't need to tell her and agreed with my intention of avoiding causing her pain. So I went with that and I don't regret it.

I know, situations are different here, I just felt the need to share with you because I perfectly understand why you would be so torn. Personally, I would talk to the wife too, maybe not even telling her what happened, just telling her to be careful about Bob.

Either way, whatever you decide, remember that you are not to blame for another person's actions. If Bob decides to rape someone else, you are not responsible for it, he and he alone is.