Need advice on abandonment issues, trauma response, and toxic shame.

[Rowen13]

Abandonment issues, trauma response and toxic shame.

I have such extreme fear of rejection, I reached out to a friend I cut off (I ended the friendship 14 times in a year) asking to be his friend again. Yes, I have anxious/avoidant style attachment...oh so I thought, but in deeper introspection, I'm repeating the only relationship dynamics I know. My narcissist mum loves me, hates me, pulls me close and shuts me out. I've come to realise I copy her behavioural pattern.

Being vulnerable and reaching out again has triggered my childhood trauma. I deleted the message apps so I can feel safe from his rejection. I asked to open the lines of communication with him again and then uninstalled the apps. I am acting completely insane. The logical part of my brain knows it but the "inner child" is terrified of being told they are unwanted.

I want to know his answer but don't have the guts to reinstall the app and see if he's even replied. I don't want to spiral if he rejects me, which he surely will and should to protect his own mental health. I get so scared I feel as though I can't breathe.

I want to hide. Childhood trauma is so difficult and since your body keeps the score. My bodies reaction to this supposed threat is disapportionate to the situation.

I just want to keep running or hiding until I feel safe.

 

[deno]

Since childhood, we’ve been ingrained with the push-pull dynamic, and it’s exhausting. Our brains cling to what’s familiar, so it’s no surprise we repeat it—even when it hurts. Recognizing the pattern is a huge step.

Something that shifted things for me was realizing that fear of rejection isn’t just about the present...it’s tied to every past experience of abandonment, stretching all the way back to the first. The intensity of the reaction isn’t just about the current person; it’s about every person who came before them.

You’re not acting insane. You’re responding the way anyone would when love has been unpredictable and unsafe. It makes sense to want to feel secure before facing an answer that could hurt.

What’s helped me is learning to create safety within myself first, rather than depending on someone else’s response. It’s not easy, but it changes everything.

 

[arfie]

empathy, rowan. i'm 70 and still acting out my fear of rejection with ferocious intensity. i am not an admirer of advice giving/seeking, but sharing my experience in managing the symptoms helps me feel a bit less insane.

Being vulnerable and reaching out again has triggered my childhood trauma.

ditto. still. my greatest relief stems from the "parenting the inner child theories." i call my inner child, "mini-me." when current day vulnerabilities trigger childhood trauma, i attempt to give mini-me whatever parenting support i **should** have gotten during the original trauma, age appropriate to whatever age i was in the trauma flashback which has been triggered. it can be a tedious, time consuming process, but the healing i gain from it is enormous. the symptom still plagues me, but my awareness and skill have grown far enough that i can spot and manage it before it damages relationships.

I want to know his answer but don't have the guts to reinstall the app and see if he's even replied. I don't want to spiral if he rejects me, which he surely will and should to protect his own mental health. I get so scared I feel as though I can't breathe.

attempted humor alert:
this got me toying with math to figure how many times i've done this with my hub-a-lub in our 46 years together. i'm not sure i'm THAT good at math. for sure, "app" wasn't even a word for the early go-rounds.

 

[Susan Jane]

I know this feeling, feeling insane for being triggered about rejection. I have been working on it for a couple of years. First you are not insane. Being rejected and abandon as a child takes a heavy toll on our emotions. Just so you might feel better I will tell you a crazy story. I went away with one of many of the abusive men I used to be involved with. Long story short, he had someone else, but me being low on self worth thought I was important to him go figure. Anyway he called his other half just after we had had a nice evening and it triggered me to the point that we had a horrible argument, he tried to leave the hotel and I chased him to his car, in my pajamas like a wild women… sat in the car and would’t get out… so yes when triggered … some things well happen. I was sitting a work the next week looking around and thinking if these people could have seen that . I am far from that place now, bur rejection still hurts. I don’t put myself in thise situations anymore. I learned it only made my issues worse. I feel you! I try not to text known rejectors… it just reinforces my feelings if not being good enough. I know it is not true, but well … my panic of being alone isn’t always rational. Be gentle with yourself

 

[PamelaS]

Abandonment issues, trauma response and toxic shame.

I have such extreme fear of rejection, I reached out to a friend I cut off (I ended the friendship 14 times in a year) asking to be his friend again. Yes, I have anxious/avoidant style attachment...oh so I thought, but in deeper introspection, I'm repeating the only relationship dynamics I know. My narcissist mum loves me, hates me, pulls me close and shuts me out. I've come to realise I copy her behavioural pattern.

Being vulnerable and reaching out again has triggered my childhood trauma. I deleted the message apps so I can feel safe from his rejection. I asked to open the lines of communication with him again and then uninstalled the apps. I am acting completely insane. The logical part of my brain knows it but the "inner child" is terrified of being told they are unwanted.

I want to know his answer but don't have the guts to reinstall the app and see if he's even replied. I don't want to spiral if he rejects me, which he surely will and should to protect his own mental health. I get so scared I feel as though I can't breathe.

I want to hide. Childhood trauma is so difficult and since your body keeps the score. My bodies reaction to this supposed threat is disapportionate to the situation.

I just want to keep running or hiding until I feel safe.

Welcome. Glad you reached out here. Hoping that hearing other’s stories helps you through this hard place. There is a lot of experience and wisdom here. Know that what you are experiencing is normal for someone with PTSD. You can and will continue on your healing journey and get through this. You have already done a lot of work, and checking out this forum is your next step. Keep taking next steps. Hope you benefit by sharing your own experience as well as hearing other’s.