youre not crazy for this-- in fact ive been feeling crazy lately for the same reasons. (for backround) I was coerced into doing things when I was 10 and ever since ive started opening up about in therapy and working through the feelings ive repressed, the more the visuals of what happened come to mind when im masturbating or getting sexual with my partner. it sucks and I dont know what to do about it to make it go away! it hurts that theres no closure because it was a younger sibling who did it to me. i can barely talk to anyone but my therapist about it. it feels like I need to keep it down because we were both kids who didnt know better. I guess the point in me rambling about this is youre not alone. I feel so frustrated and confused and scared but finding people on this forum who are also going through silimar things makes me feel a little less alone.From the time I was just barely 14, to the time I was a week away from turning 17, 4 months ago, my boyfriend forced me into MANY sexual activities. I couldn’t get out of it, he’d threaten me and it was always his word over mine. But the last time he did it was the worst and I decided to finally stick up for myself and end things and take all my proof I had and saved it. But recently, 4 1/2 months later, It is the hardest it’s ever been. When he’d do it to me, I’d be thinking about when it would be over, but now, all I can think about is what happened in those moments.
i have always been a sexual person, but the more he did it to me, the more sexual I’d feel. I’m not sure why? But that’s the way it is. And now that it’s over, I over sexualize myself and masturbate a lot, and sleep around and let people use my body.
^The most terrible part about that, is whenever I’m doing whatever it may be, masturbating or sex or anything like that, I think of him, and the things he’d do to me, and I’d get off to it. Not that I LIKE it, but I just think about if I could get off to it now, maybe I could move on from it and finally get my life back. But after I do it, I feel so gross and dirty and disgusting. I regret it instantly. Its the opposite ending than what I wanted to happen. It’s not that I find it attractive, because that is not okay to do to someone. But sometimes I just wish I had said yes, so that maybe it wouldn’t be so aggressive and maybe it could have turned me on. It’s not like I mean to think about it, it’s just the only thing I can think of when I’m doing something sexual. Because he had done everything possible to me, so when it happens, or I feel a certain pain or feeling, he gave me, I think of it, and then it turns into me enjoying it, when I know I said no, and I didn’t want it. I never enjoyed it, but when I touch myself or let someone else touch me, and I think about him and what he did to me, I hope that maybe this time, I’ll like it. but I feel so gross afterwards and I have no clue how to fix it, how to change this thought process. I feel crazy and f*cked up in the head.
Nobody would do anything to help me, even after seeing evidence I had. The police didn’t help. I will never get my justice. I want my life back. I don’t want to keep imagining these things and enjoying these terrible things that he did to me. He stole my innocence, my life. And I’m not sure how to get it all back. I am f*cked.
Please tell me that I am not crazy. I don’t know if this is a normal thing to feel or do after trauma but if anyone feels this way and can relate, or someone has any opinions, please reach out and let me know. Thank you.