Relationship Need Advice From People That Understand

[princessx]

This is a bit lengthy and detailed but it's the only way to really get my point across. I apologize in advance.

My ex and I were together for almost a year and a half. I know that isn't a very long time but from the second we met, we were immensely connected on every level. I truly believed in my heart that he was "the one". He was the first one to say that we are soulmates and he was just as in love with me as I was with him. The very important detail of my story is that he is a USMC veteran who suffers with PTSD. I was the ideal girlfriend because unlike others, I actually listened. I might not know what PTSD is like and I may have never experienced war but my father also had PTSD so I knew the most you can do is truly listen. Whenever my ex was having a bad day, I would be there with open arms and would even throw my feelings aside to help him. No human needs to experience the things our troops go through in Iraq, Afghanistan, and overseas in general.

Well, exactly a month ago today (though it seems much longer) - he told me that he can not give me what I want, that I deserve better, and he may never be mentally ready for marriage. So, he just ended it. He wouldn't talk about it and he wouldn't compromise. The previous week, he purchased a new truck, and made it a point to tell me that he bought a bigger truck for when we have a family together. He was also the first one in the relationship to bring up marriage and many times said that he's been looking at rings. My mind was and is still completely blown.

A couple of my guy friends say that this has to do with his trauma and feeling not worthy of having me. Also him feeling that he won't live up to be a good husband so he'd rather just end it now. I, in no way understand how a person can eliminate you out of your life while in the same breath they are still saying how in love with you they are.

In the past month, the situation only has gotten worse. I blame that on me though because the last thing I expected was to be left when things were absolutely perfect. So I did the typical things I wasn't supposed to do. I texted, I called, etc. Though I did for legitimate reasons. He text me on my birthday and kept texting me for a few days. Though he won't talk to me on the phone or see me.

Last Thursday, we had a mature text conversation. He said he's very unhappy with the situation between us and that he misses me alot and loves me. Then he continued to say "....but what if this happens again?" I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say. I text him this week on Tuesday making a joke that turned out to be a huge mistake!

me: So where do I fill out the paperwork to get my heart back?
him: I hate paperwork.
me: I hate the person you're pretending to be.
him: which is?
me: This tough macho guy who acts like I don't exist and like I didn't mean anything. If this is how you want to be, the least I deserve is closure.
him: There's nothing to close, nothing to talk about.
me: Just a few days ago you said you were unhappy and now there's nothing to talk about?
him: honestly, i'm happy without you.
me: fine, that's fine. so give me closure.
him: nothing to talk about.

Then I called him because I was really hurt, as any girl would be. He ignored my call.

him: quit being so obsessive.

That's when the flags went up. That's when I realized what I was doing and that I was doing everything I should have not been doing in this situation. Of course, I did not respond. Around 2am, five hours later after he sent that last text he then sent another saying...

him: ....i'm still in love with you

His mom messaged me yesterday asking what is going on, how I'm holding up, etc. Normally, I wouldn't respond but under the circumstances of me knowing that he won't open up to her - I decided to tell her. In turn, she told me that he's not happy and that he's actually quite miserable. He doesn't sleep full nights and he spends most of his time drinking alone and not talking to anyone who wants to help him.

I no longer know what to do. If it was up to me, I would not move on because I genuinely only see myself with him. He also was my prince charming, never ever would I have thought he would treat me so low as he is doing right now. I understand this is all a defense mechanism. Don't show emotions, don't show compassion, escape situations as easily as possible, don't commit to people, etc. etc. etc. In my eyes, he's not happy with his decision but won't admit to it because that would be weak. So in turn, he's attempting to just eliminate me from his life even though he knows deep in his heart how much I mean to him.

Huge sigh. I don't know what I'm looking for other than people to understand and give me some true genuine insight. If I need to move on, tell me. If I need to give him space, tell me. I just really need some advice. Now I realize I need to leave him alone but it's hard when my heart is not only breaking because he left me, but is breaking because he's hurting and won't admit to it.

Dead Link Removed

 

[sad2010]

I have been reading threads on this forum for about a month, i am in a long distant relationship, his father died last Oct, prior to that things were good, we talked to each all the time, the day his father died, my father fell ill, and the next day mom and i were visiting in the hosp and she fell out of the chair and coded... so we both had major trauma the same week, i had to be with my family and he understood, a few days later, is when it all started, and it took me months to realize what was happening, he has been in Iraq and such over the years. So now i am trying to help/support and understand as best i can... i thought he was doing better in march but something happened and he is in his cave.... i have read and read, but i dont understand how they can pull away from the one person that would do anything to help them, this has just about killed me,, until i finally understood why he is being this way. I just miss him and hurt so much it is driving me crazy

 

[princessx]

Someone told me that PTSD comes in phases and when it does arise - all you can do is give the person their space. Even if we want to help, there's nothing we can do. Just know that there are others like you. I felt like I was alone and I'm starting to realize it isn't me but his own thing. :( I just wish I knew what to do now.

 

[Ted Moen]

princessx, I think when we are first safely away from the hostile environment (war zone, abusive parents, abusive spouse, etc) we experience conflict between needing a super-supportive person that can help us heal our wounds and somehow make our world right and an intence fear of letting anyone close ... if we are lucky enough to find a supportive person the closeness triggers anxiety and nightmares and panic and stuff ... and if we are safely distant from any and all relationships the emptiness triggers negative sefl-worth and depression and stuff ... and it feels like there is no way out of this conflict.

the way out is therapy and learning to live with ptsd and participate in appropriate relationships and activities ... but it can take a while to commit to that process ... in the meantime he will probably bounce back and forth between the loneliness and people getting too close, living out his ptsd symptoms.

ted

 

[princessx]

Ted, what can I do now? I mean logically - all I can do is leave him alone and let him make his way back to me, if he chooses. It's unfortunate that it's an endless cycle but it is one that only he can realize is happening. He is very much against therapy because the one time he went, the therapist was not interested at all, and immediately made him feel like he was crazy. Alongside, he feels therapy is not strong but rather weak. Noone has been able to get him to see that therapy and admitting there is something wrong is actually the strongest thing a person can do. I see that the Wounded Warrior Project does therapy online and through peers. I'd love to inform him about it but I think I need to give him his space or else he'll never come back.

I really appreciate your insight. It really has opened my mind even more.

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi Princessx,

I have experience in this from both sides (both the leaver and the left) in a positive way, but this is only my opinion from experience.

I do think that this is related to his mental/emotional struggle with his trauma and PTSD. I think that there is little more one can do than be emotionally available and give the other person space.

It does not seem like he is fully pushing you away. If he were, I would advise you to listen to him, but it sounds like he is pushing and pulling. I have been very guilty of this throughout my life.

When he is ready to come back, it will be important to listen to him of course, but it may also be important to confront him with his behavior at some point and express your feelings and your boundaries for this sort of thing. Negotiations can be made. If he is never faced with his behavior, he won't change.

Just my opinion.

 

[jenkins123]

Princess,
You have good advice here. I also suggest you read some of the supporter articles such as the stress cup (you can search it here above). I reply because your posting reminded me a little of myself in the first stages with my now ex. When you say,
" In my eyes, he's not happy with his decision but won't admit to it because that would be weak. So in turn, he's attempting to just eliminate me from his life even though he knows deep in his heart how much I mean to him."

I don't think this is quite right, which is why the stress cup might help you to understand how ptsd and relatinoships can affect his mind. I'm no expert supporter, but learning does help you to deal with it all better, and it is not a case of him not "admitting" how he feels about you but actually unable to "feel" or deal with it sometimes. You already realised that your text about him "acting macho" was not a good idea, true as he is not "acting" at all, to him this is real feeling, and has to be respected as such. Of course, you deserve to be acknowledged too. I'm sure others here can word this better, but I just wanted to express that I understand your frustration.

Ted, your explanation of relationships as a sufferer really helped me too. Thanks.

 

[Ted Moen]

For years I thought it was the rest of the world that had problems and lived out my symptoms. In the early 80s when the "discovered" ptsd and set up outreach centers for veterans a friend suggested I needed to go talk to someone there. So I wandered over. The peer counselor was a former navy seal and listened but not a clinical psychologist so the therapy was just talking about stuff but he also talked to my wife. I was trying to encourage her to go away at the time. I wanted to be alone. He gave her an overview of ptsd and basically told her she had to decide wether to stay or not. She decided to stay. Part of me was happy, part just wanted to be alone. We went through a bankruptcy, lost a house, lived off her income. It took me a couple of years to come out of that episode, another five years to get back to full time employment, all the while periodically living out thoughts and feelings passing through. In the 90s I was evacuated from a military exercise when I began wanting to act out some homicidal thoughts and taken to the va. Once away from the situation that was triggering the extremely intense thoughts and feelings I settled down and thought about stuff. I acknowledged that if I walked away from full-time employment at my age at that time the best I could expect in the future was minimum wage temporary jobs followed by minimal social security and few benefits. That was ok with me, but my wife deserved more after all the support. I finally agreed to participate in therapy and seek help within the system. After ten years of therapy I finally got to the stuff I really needed to get to, and learned to manage my symptoms in a protected (removed from the workplace) environment. Life is good these days and I am so lucky to have had a supporter that stayed.

My supporter made the decision to stay and has just been there, unconditionally. When I needed to be alone while intrusive thoughts and feelings were passing, she let me be alone. When I was more social, we did stuff. We shared in a special way that allowed for my passing moods. We seldom talked about ptsd. She never suggested I needed therapy. She pretty much just accepted me the way I was and committed to the relationship.

So I would say to a supporter you have to decide to commit to the relationship with all the challenges that implies or not. You are what the sufferer needs if you can integrate the demands related to eventually learning to live with ptsd into the relarionship.

Committed carers are so wonderful ((((((hugs to you all)))))))

Ted

 

[Tinyflame]

Oddly enough Ted I think the 'seldom talking about ptsd' (itself) part actually means so much, when or if it is (can be) combined with understanding, forgiveness, kindness and being stable and honest. Even if 'we' feel' at the time that none of those kindnesses are deserved to be afforded us.

Thank you for being so open.
xox

 

[Angus McGee]

Princessx, I could have written the part of your post where you wrote about him telling you you deserved better. However, mine is my wife of 21 years, and we have 2 kids.

She doesn't seem to have the back and forth as much, although I think she just doesn't verbalize the "I need you to help me"

She did say on countless occasions that she doesn't want to disappoint me. My reply to that has always been, "you can't disappoint me. You have an illness. How can I be disappointed because of an illness?"

That is something she can't process.

She has gotten her own apt. so she can isolate herself, and get through her treatment.

Letting her go has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.