Relationship Need help in understanding partner with ptsd

[Hope2Be]

I've been dating a man diagnosed with PTSD for a year and a half now. I'm learning some of the trigger dates and stressors. I am attempting to learn how to deal with episodes and when he pushes me away and tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore, says hurtful and mean things, ignores me. I remember reading somewhere that it's important to stay consistently me. If I text good morning and send little texts throughout the day, etc., then I continue to do the same thing even when there is no response. That is very painful and Then i begin to get angry. I experienced childhood trauma for all of my childhood and, although he's aware of some things, he doesn't know the details or extent of what I went through. After therapy and making a conscious effort to heal, I've lived a happy life for the last 25 years without the damaging effects of my first 18 years of life looming over me. I was never diagnosed with PTSD, but I see a lot of the behaviors that he is doing as being things that I used to do. My question is, should I tell him about everything that I went through and some of the behaviors that I had.? I wouldn't, of course, point out any negative behaviors on his part because I wouldn't want to seem to attack him. I haven't talked to him about how it makes me feel when he says mean things and hurtful things and pushes me away because I don't know when is the right time (certainly not when he's feeling some kind of way). He's never apologized for that and I feel like one day it's going to all build up and I will just walk away and I don't want to do that because I love him and he's a great man. I have no clue How to approach him with this, but I can't have it go on unspoken. Can anyone help?

Thank you!!!

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

If it feels right for you and you feel the time is right to tell him about your experiences, then I say go ahead. I've learned that communication is very important and it goes both ways. Keep in mind he may not be aware that what he does hurts you. Speaking from experience, bottling it up doesn't help. Then again, I was in an abusive relationship and it was my coping mechanism most of my life. It also depends on how receptive he is. Also, trust your gut instinct.

As for approaching him about his behaviors, that may be up to you on how or when you do that. I recommend not letting it go too long because it can build up and you may end up resenting him. It's one of the reasons my marriage ended not long ago. Also maybe not spring it all on him at once either. For me, the approach someone takes when they try to talk to me about my PTSD and behaviors is important. I would suggest that after he's done something that hurt you and he's calmed down and is not triggered, to find a way to bring it up in a way that doesn't put him on the defensive and doesn't come across as an attack. This is where knowing the other person can help in your approach. Maybe something like "Hey, do you have a minute? I'd like to talk with you about something that has been bothering me." I suggest avoiding starting sentences off with "you" and go more for a "I feel" approach. For me, body language and vocal tone is important too. My ex was really good at making me feel stupid, inferior, and crazy even based on his body language and tone. He tended to tower over me at times instead of sitting down to discuss things.

I feel it's also important to not manage his feelings for him. Letting him know how you feel is important and it's important for him to feel he can open up to you and express his feelings as well. Validate each other's feelings and experiences is also important, IMO.

Also, have you talked with a trauma specialist to get ideas on how to support him? Or even get ideas from him? Personally, I've learned that I don't like it when someone assumes they know better than me when they really don't know what I'm going through. I'm not sure if it would help or not but have you heard of the Imago relationship therapy? It seems like a good idea in general but didn't work for me and my ex. He usually made it all about him regardless of what issue we were working on. I believe it is supposed to give a person a way to express how they feel about something and for the other person to imagine what it's like for that person.

I hope at least some of this helps. I also hope I don't come across as knowing it all or anything like that. These are just my opinions based on my experiences. I was diagnosed about two years or so ago with PTSD from over 30 years of abusive relationships. I'm also a recovering co-dependent. I've learned a LOT in the last few years (I'm still learning lots) and I hope that what I've learned helps you.

 

[Spacecadetess]

I've been dating a man diagnosed with PTSD for a year and a half now. I'm learning some of the trigger...

I told my boyfriend about my own upbringing and cried to him about it too. I believe that helped deepen our connection, he also thanked me afterwards for sharing. However, be prepared for this to trigger him. If he starts acting distant, remain consistent but politely set boundaries. Model good behaviour habits that teach respect, openness and consistency.

 

[Hope2Be]

If it feels right for you and you feel the time is right to tell him about your experiences, then...

Thank you so much! Once he is more relaxed, I haven't brought it up because I didn't want it to trigger him again, but I know that it's necessary and important that it be discussed. I realize the importance of not making him feel that I'm attacking him or criticizing him. Therefore, I would go with the "I feel" Avenue. He told me in the early stages of our relationship when he was, as he says, "in his feelings" that It didn't have anything to do with me, but when I'm ignored and shut out and spoken to harshly, telling me to pick up my things, etc., it's painful and feels like it's very much about me. I don't know whether to send a hello message or a thinking of you message or a happy face or an I love you or just not say anything at all. I find when I'm having difficulty and I pull away some, that becomes a trigger for him. It's like it's OK for him to do it, but it's not OK for me to do it.

He mentioned one time a few months ago when he was going to see his therapist, which he does not like to see, that maybe one day he would take me with him and I told him I would be happy to go. He has not mentioned it since. He's a wonderful, caring, respectful gentleman, not abusive at all. When he is feeling depressed and has triggers, then that's the hard time. I read a book and fortunately found this site to help me understand. He does not know that I've done any of this. I will be talking to a counselor about it by myself.

I had the thought that maybe when he's feeling this way and doesn't want to talk, he could maybe just send me an emoji that we both agree on that would confirm to me that he's struggling but that he loves me. Maybe that's too much to do. Maybe you can tell me from your perspective what you think about that.

I don't have a hard time sharing my experiences. On one hand, I think perhaps it will show him that I, too, have had a great deal of trauma, so I can appreciate and understand on some level. I am certainly not saying that I understand anything that he is experiencing or going through because I am not in his shoes. On the other hand, I'm sort of nervous that it will trigger him again, but if we are to build a life together, then we are going to have to learn how to work together to overcome these episodes.

Again, thank you for your reply. You are a blessing!

 

[Hope2Be]

I told my boyfriend about my own upbringing and cried to him about it too. I believe that helped...

Thank you so much for reminding me to stay consistent. I have to set the boundaries because, by not doing so, I feel like my feelings are unimportant and then I begin to feel that he views me as weak, which begins to anger me. I don't want to have those feelings.

 

[Spacecadetess]

Haha, sorry I had to laugh because I was in your situation recently. The boyfriend finally called me yesterday after 5 days of sudden distance (after we had an especially intimate conversation..) but I was so exhausted from his unusual behaviour that I missed his call. Then I felt terrible because he may have taken that the wrong way. BUT, we are adults. They do not want to be molly coddled but understood. Be consistent and try to look after yourself, the more you do this the better you can be your usual self when he is acting differently. He will likely know when you are being different and this may trigger him..

Also, from what I learnt through my psych degree is that different temperaments respond differently to trauma, which makes up people's eventual personalities. Its an interaction between temperament and upbringing. Pete Walker has a lot of interesting stuff to say about this. You can google his website on trauma.

 

[Spacecadetess]

Thank you so much for reminding me to stay consistent. I have to set the boundaries because, by not do...

Also, your feelings are not unimportant. They are real. This is why this site is so important. Unfortunately many people will not understand how you feel or why you stay. These people usually get divorces.

 

[Hope2Be]

Haha, sorry I had to laugh because I was in your situation recently. The boyfriend finally called...

Well, it's hard to understand when he doesn't give me a lot of explanation. I'm learning about how to respond and understand through this forum at this point. i'm not trying to mollycoddle him because I'm 53 years old with four children and I have myself to take care of as well. I really do want things to work because I truly love him and I know that he loves me and he is an amazing man. I remember many years ago when I had a great deal of difficulty dealing with all of my trauma and issues. I knew I was a good person inside, but I was struggling with the aftereffects. I wouldn't want anyone to give up on me because I had some issues, so I'm not willing to give up on him. That's not to say it's not very difficult on this side as well.
Anyway, i will check out that site on trauma.

 

[Hope2Be]

Well, it's hard to understand when he doesn't give me a lot of explanation. I'm learning about how to...

By the way, do you have an opinion on how you think he would feel that I'm on this site and trying to understand?

 

[Hope2Be]

By the way, do you have an opinion on how you think he would feel that I'm on this site and trying to u...

Also, your feelings are not unimportant. They are real. This is why this site is so important. Un...

I know that if it were the shoe on the other foot, I would feel valued and appreciated that someone was trying to understand me and how to Deal with my triggers and the issues. as you say, though, everyone reacts differently.

 

[Spacecadetess]

By the way, do you have an opinion on how you think he would feel that I'm on this site and trying to u...

Everyone is different.. my boyfriend is VERY private. I think it would be better you do not tell him in my opinion. Especially as private details are on the internet about your relationship, so his reaction may not meet your expectations...

 

[Hope2Be]

Everyone is different.. my boyfriend is VERY private. I think it would be better you do not tell...

Yes, I see your point! My man is VERY private as well.