Negotiation

[shimmerz]

I lived in an environment most of my life where I didn't have the option to negotiate. Or if I tried to negotiate I was shamed, humiliated, ignored, abused (list goes on).

I am attempting to negotiate through a fairly serious issue right now and am recognizing that something has shifted. Either I am negotiating better, I am definitely not dissociating and freezing while I speak, OR I am no longer surrounding myself with someone who will stop at nothing in order to 'win'. It seems to be more of a problem solving process. Hmmmm. Who knew? People besides myself do that?

I think this site has taught me a ton as far as negotiation, proper skills in engagement or disengagement etc.

And I think the biggest thing that I realized is that if I don't have a stake in the outcome, if I just recognize that life works out the way it works out.... that MY means of communication is different as well.

Has anyone noticed an internal shift in their trust in their negotiation.communication skills whilst in therapy or though their healing path? Anyone care to share? I could use the tips.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Negotiation of what? I can negotiate a sell (like a car) well as I am cheap...and seem to get a high of saving as much as I can so trying to get them to let it go cheaper than what I was willing to pay. But i don't think that is what you are meaning lol.

You negotiate most things in life. So it is a great skill to have. My communication has improved quite a bit since I've been in therapy. Before I didn't know how to communicate anything so just screamed as I thought the louder I was the more they just "get it". Not sure why I thought that as most shut down when screamed at so all communication is lost. I think it was mostly out of frustration.

Today I can calmly state what I want to state and in a way where most can hear me. I can set several boundries, calmly, and stick to them. I was not able to do any of that before.

OR I am no longer surrounding myself with someone who will stop at nothing in order to 'win'.

Most likely. You are now more free to negotiate what you need in life.

That's awesome! It's amazing to realize that you just mastered or at least learned a much needed skill and have that clarity! I'm so happy for you! :hug:

 

[joeylittle]

And I think the biggest thing that I realized is that if I don't have a stake in the outcome, if I just recognize that life works out the way it works out.... that MY means of communication is different as well.

I know this has been big for me. Understanding that I can only put my perspective forward, but I can't force anything to happen.

I think negotiation has a lot to do with understanding the other side as well, because that will ultimately help with the problem-solving.

The biggest personal shift has been learning that I don't always have to be the most reasonable person in the room - which really means, I don't have to always be giving up ground just because other people are louder, or more intense. I can say what I need, or ask for what I need, and if the other person wants to join me in communicating - great. If they want to flip out on me, I can walk away.

I'm by no means a genius at it. But those are the things that have gotten better for me, over time. Still hard, though.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I lived in an environment most of my life where I didn't have the option to negotiate. Or if I tried...

Well, that can be a thorny road. As soon as I realize that a person is unreasonable I usually walk away, let them wallow in their own grandeur. People that I know are not able to discuss issues, what I will do then is to simply say exactly what they were saying because an intelligent person does not argue with someone when it is obvious that the other has a serious problem. Just like you said: they humiliate, mock, or hurt people who just want to discuss a subject, or use some kind of working hierarchy in order to seem more intelligent or knowledgeable, could make me puke.

 

[shimmerz]

Negotiation of what?

lol. Good question. I sat perplexed when you asked that. I have no idea how to negotiate in sales, unless I am doing the selling.

You are now more free to negotiate what you need in life.

That's it! Is it possible that through all of this I am actually starting to get a grip on what I want and need? Well, maybe need..... a bit of work on the want part.... Thank you! That helps me a ton.

Understanding that I can only put my perspective forward, but I can't force anything to happen.

Yes, this is what I was thinking when I posted. That I can't/don't want to control others. Make them see what I am saying. Either they do or they don't. I will figure out the rest when I see (clearly) what I am dealing with.

I think negotiation has a lot to do with understanding the other side as well, because that will ultimately help with the problem-solving.

See, I was too much focused on what others wanted. I would completely lose my needs because I had no grasp of my own. I think this has changed.

I don't always have to be the most reasonable person in the room

SMACK! Yes! The old high road strategy. Always the high road. Always be calm. Walk away knowing that even though I didn't get my point across at least I didn't act like a maniac - screaming, yelling etc. I think the idea here is going to be a new skill of discerning who to engage with, what to leave alone.... picking my battles and picking people who are generally supportive.

Thank you. This is all very helpful.

 

[Recovery4Me]

This is an awesome and timely thread for me- thanks @shimmerz.

Settling differences can be charged for me at times when there is major invested personal interest or family. Since I have been retired, I found that I did not seem to need to push for a set of principles or ethics as much. :tup::whistling: As well since I am no longer within my old residence, most discord floats by public 3-D interactions attempting to bring it in my sphere. :p

I think I also look at negotiation different now. When those interacting use loudness, rudeness or anger - I view them as stressed, unhappy or angry in the moment and do not take it personally. My gut immediate reaction may not be initially what I wanted (<<<understatement said in muse). However, my further choice of action can be proactive- instead of a freight train on a collision course. No one wins in those, really. *Although my imagination has a good time with 2 by 4s, various gaseous whirlwinds or a huge gag.

Of late, I chose to do some negotiations in intervals or increments, to achieve an attitude that is not like Godzilla...as my frustration tolerance ebbs and flows. I write it out, revise in a few hours or a day, then send. It seems to be working for me and those others. In a pinch, I use what someone taught me from their T - I offer that I do not have the energy to discuss that right now nor make a snap decision and suggest another time to reconvene.

But most of all, I have learned some things are not negotiable within myself. So I no longer apologize for having boundaries or carry undue guilt and shame.

Again thanks for the opportunity within this thread.:hug:

 

[shimmerz]

some things are not negotiable within myself.

Jeez, I hadn't even thought about negotiating amongst myself! And I have been doing that (really) all.week.long! Funny how these 'new words' bring about a ton of different aspects to them! Thank you!

 

[aut555]

Now l can distance myself from yelling screaming "negotiations". My step dad used this as his control technique and for many years, yelling was a trigger. Now l step back and look at it as the perpetrator's tactic and can still negotiate and ignore yelling these days .

 

[shimmerz]

Now l can distance myself from yelling screaming "negotiations".

I am not certain that I am there yet aut, but this would be a good goal to set my sites on. Thank you.

 

[Abstract]

Shimmerz, you have a knack of posting about topics that are relevant for me and then I become overwhelmed trying to answer so don't!

Well done for all the fabulous steps you are taking and all the self awareness you are gaining. You work hard to get there and deserve the progress you make.

 

[Gs172003]

Well, that can be a thorny road. As soon as I realize that a person is unreasonable I usually wa...

That was my first husband ( the dad to all of my kids) and he's still a jerk lol