Nervousness

[Kim500]

Hi everyone. I haven't posted anything yet except an introduction which tells that I believe I have repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse. Lately I feel nervous for no apparent reason. I'm kind of guessing that "something" is coming, as in my repressed memories will begin coming back. I don't know. I've always had a "reason" when I was nervous, but no "conscious" reason this time. Any thoughts would be appreciated! :)

 

[Fia]

Do you want your memories back? Im asking because there seem to be a lot of people, to my surprise who rather not remember and maybe they are right.´

I was able to work on myself at home and getting memories and understandings, I dont know what else to call them, by laying in bed, completely relaxing, having problems but in time managing to empty my head and completely determined and stubborn not giving up getting something. It could take hours. I also went on gentle journeys in my mind trying to remember colours, furniture etc and suddenly sometimes i memory would flash up. It could be with terrible feelings attached to it or non. I cry and cry and then within days, sometimes hours something would ease inside me. Like letting the steam out of a cattle. Every time I did this i would got this need before, to go and lay down and let it happen. whatever you do, be gentle with yourself and just let it happen dont push like I did, not if you are not absolutely sure you are able for it.

 

[Kim500]

Hi!!! I tried once in the past to bring back memories by force and had two flashbacks. They were not sexual, but the feeling of being a child feeling stark terror and that her home was such an alien, unsafe place, was so terrible that I immediately stopped doing it. Even after the flashback was over, I still lay in my bed feeling like a child in terror until it wore off. It wasn't beneficial to me in any way.

It's like a Catch-22: On the one hand, these flashbacks make me feel less "together" in my mind, more "unhinged" because it's like I'm connected to that child again, experiencing her terrifying, cold, unsafe, alien world, and feeling so, so alone and out of place in it. But on the other hand, I feel like I can't be complete until I know my past and get answers as to why I am the way I am so I can move on and go forward.

It reminds me of adopted children who feel such a strong need to meet and know their birth parents. Their need to get answers to questions like "Who am I?" and "Why am I the way I am?" Sometimes they are disappointed when they meet them and are unsatisfied with the answers they do get to their important questions. Would it have been better for them if they didn't search?

I don't know. These things are too deep for me to ponder, but I'm going to leave it in God's hands whether I remember my past or not. I'm not going to force anything. Thank you for bringing this up! It really made me think.

 

[Fia]

I will never remember it all. I have been given back enough to know what happend and to understand myself and also understand why I can never handle all and that even though I believe I am as healed as I can be there was certain things I had to do to stay well. I couldnt keep living where I was, but I am open to this other, that some people call god and god things where happening it was just a matter for me to be brave and take them up. I ended up on the other side of the world with a very special person, but i lost my family. For know. They are god people and rather have a happy well fia far away, then a broken one at home. Sometimes I belive that my whole country is like a trigger and is one reason why I left it for most of my life.

To leave it with your god, is the right thing to do. Meditate, relax and dont be afraid. Feelings are horrible, but the dont kill us and they pass.

 

[Kim500]

Thank you for that wonderful post Fia and for your support that I'm leaving it in God's hands to be in charge of what I do or do not remember. I am glad you are open to believing in the Other, who as you said, some call God. I used to not believe in God, but I have come to believe that God is very real and is the only one who is truly, really real, knowing the Truth, All Things, and is Love, while right now we as humans are floundering in the dark....What you said in the end reminded me of the well known quote by Friedrich Nietzsche: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." And every person on this forum has made it through the torture...Thank you especially for telling me not to be afraid...