AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
With the help and understanding of a friend, and my faith in God, I have stopped using after 40+ years. I am not against it, but due to my upbringing in the church, I always felt shame about it. That shame 'oozed' into all parts of my life, and it was a 'cost' to my self-worth. I have prayed for many years that someday, I would be able to live without it.
I believe it should be legal, and be made into edible products so that it would take away the smoking issue. I already have early COPD, and realized that now that I am a grandma, I couldn't continue living a lie. Very few people know that I've been a 'power smoker' and it was my escape from reality.
The reality was, that I was ashamed of who I was, and thought it made me a better person. Now I know I was hiding from who I am supposed to be. It helped me from the time I was 15, and I soon turn 56. I just did not want to feel shame about myself anymore. The smoking was not worth the shame and I won't sabotage myself by saying I will NEVER smoke again, I know that I do have the power to live without it.
My friend, who I have since lost, played a big part in giving me the courage to find out who I was without the pot. What I found out was, that it was the SHAME that made me who I was to the world. I thought it gave me strength when in reality it was keeping me in a place of denial and self-hate.
The timing is rather shocking, as my 'smoking buddy' moved away, and there is upcoming stress in my life. My dad has a new facial cancer, heart problems, and is not feeling well at all, and my mom, who can get on my last nerve, will continue to do so. But, there is a feeling inside me that I have not ever had. I feel I can handle the future without my crutch. Usually, I would be 'stocking up' on my stash.
Yes, my pain level is worse, and I've had some nasty nightmares, but not feeling shame, and actually having some pride in myself is new and a bit strange. It's a good feeling, and I hope and pray it will continue. To have conquered this battle after so many years of trying, is pretty cool, and I am looking forward to continuing the good feeling of self-worth.
My doc, and my therapist will be happy to know that I've finally done it after more attempts than I can remember.
I don't judge anyone for their use...except ME. Being 'set free' from this particular baggage is a great thing. I am thankful that my friend came along at the right time, yet sad that I lost that person in the process.
Peace & happy smoking to all who can do it without guilt. I just couldn't take it anymore!
I believe it should be legal, and be made into edible products so that it would take away the smoking issue. I already have early COPD, and realized that now that I am a grandma, I couldn't continue living a lie. Very few people know that I've been a 'power smoker' and it was my escape from reality.
The reality was, that I was ashamed of who I was, and thought it made me a better person. Now I know I was hiding from who I am supposed to be. It helped me from the time I was 15, and I soon turn 56. I just did not want to feel shame about myself anymore. The smoking was not worth the shame and I won't sabotage myself by saying I will NEVER smoke again, I know that I do have the power to live without it.
My friend, who I have since lost, played a big part in giving me the courage to find out who I was without the pot. What I found out was, that it was the SHAME that made me who I was to the world. I thought it gave me strength when in reality it was keeping me in a place of denial and self-hate.
The timing is rather shocking, as my 'smoking buddy' moved away, and there is upcoming stress in my life. My dad has a new facial cancer, heart problems, and is not feeling well at all, and my mom, who can get on my last nerve, will continue to do so. But, there is a feeling inside me that I have not ever had. I feel I can handle the future without my crutch. Usually, I would be 'stocking up' on my stash.
Yes, my pain level is worse, and I've had some nasty nightmares, but not feeling shame, and actually having some pride in myself is new and a bit strange. It's a good feeling, and I hope and pray it will continue. To have conquered this battle after so many years of trying, is pretty cool, and I am looking forward to continuing the good feeling of self-worth.
My doc, and my therapist will be happy to know that I've finally done it after more attempts than I can remember.
I don't judge anyone for their use...except ME. Being 'set free' from this particular baggage is a great thing. I am thankful that my friend came along at the right time, yet sad that I lost that person in the process.
Peace & happy smoking to all who can do it without guilt. I just couldn't take it anymore!
