New Here. Dealing With Neighbors That I Don't Like.

[nycowboy]

Hi. I'm new here, and just need some feedback.

I was bullied as a child. Ostracized by other boys. Crybaby. The whole nine yards. Last kid picked on the team too. :(

This has left me with PTSD and OCD. I am triggered by "invaders" - people, noises, etc. that I don't expect or know or can't identify. It is especially bad with neighbors that I don't like or feel that I have nothing in common with. We have renters on both sides of us, so I just get used to someone and in a year or two, they move. I have been in therapy for almost a year now, and it has helped immensely, but I still feel triggered quite a bit. This time of year (in the US we are starting to go into springtime) is the WORST for me. It has been quiet outside for all of winter, and now all the "creepy" people around us are starting to come out of the woodwork because it is getting warmer. If I try to be an objective observer, I note that the neighbors are not bad people, just normal. I just feel I have nothing in common with them. And they all talk SO LOUDLY. It's like, can you just talk like civilized people for once? There is a mystery figure in the deep past - she was female with a loud voice. Every time I hear a loud woman with a coarse sounding voice I get an anxiety fit. Don't know who this was, and it bothers me. That's a whole other ballgame.

Anyway, we have two women next to us. They are quiet, and have a very large dog (was a puppy last year). They clean up the dog poop regularly, and they don't let the dog bark. They are both larger ladies, and one of them has that loud coarse voice that drives me nuts. She and I have had a couple of run-ins in the past - one time was because she thought it was OK to blast her music in the yard. I ended up calling the police and we haven't had more problems - yet - or so I'm hoping, but I'm scared of another confrontation. Then another time she went in our yard (long story) and raked up leaves that were there. I had another discussion with her, and it was like "what are you complaining about? They are only leaves." Just couldn't get through to her that it wasn't the leaves, but the fact that she came on my land without permission and while I wasn't home that drove me nuts. The landlord came over a couple of days later and he and I had a civil discussion about the issue. I sent him a followup letter as well. The landlord and I left on what I hope is friendly-ish terms. At least civil.

It was quiet all winter.

Now the weather is getting warm and I am feeling totally triggered again. I had to leave work the other day and I heard Nikki (the big lady) "talking" with the garbage collector. ALERT ALERT SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN ALERT ALERT... I think they are getting a dumpster. OK fine. But of course my mind catastrophizes the situation and thinks, Oh boy, they are going to cut down all the trees between our property, they are going to be doing a re-roof and be blasting their music all next week when I don't have to be at work and make my life miserable, they are going to ...

This morning I got triggered again. Big Nikki's big truck wasn't in the driveway. Instead was this little black car.

Here are my questions, and I'd appreciate any help or advice.

1. I am trying to find other stuff to help take my mind off of Big Nikki and her dumpster (which isn't even there yet). I am afraid they are going to do something to my property - even though in reality they are probably going to just fill up the dumpster with house junk). But the fact that something was DIFFERENT over there was enough to trigger me.

2. We had a bad start to being neighbors. I reacted instead of responding. They have only been there since late September. I wish things were better, but if I see them they just stare at me and if I try to wave or say hello I become totally paralyzed and just. can't. do. it. Do you have any concrete things that I could do to improve the situation? I'm not saying bake a cake and take it over there - I don't think I could do that at this point.

Thanks for any help.

 

[Changing4Best]

I was bullied by all the boys in 6th grade, all year long, until I finally got fed up and beat the living daylights out of one of them! (None of them bothered me after that, but no boys from our school district ever dated me when I was in highschool, except one, who quickly departed, for reasons yet unknown to me.

As to the ladies next door, keep your windows closed, turn on all your fans and or your air conditioner, and put on some music. As to your fears that they will cut down the trees, or do something else of that sort, try to think positive thoughts about things that make you happy when these fears come to you. Your mind cannot hold two thoughts at once, so if you make it think happy thoughts, remember happy memories, etc. then you won't be thinking of the other thoughts.

If things get really bad and your anxiety takes over, go out for a drive in your car, maybe get an iced tea somewhere and sit at the counter in that restaurant. When the waiter or waitress if free, strike up a conversation with them, to hopefully get your mind off all the upsetting things. Other options are inviting a friend over or going to visit one of them, call first of course. Or maybe go shopping if you need something. Is there a nature walk or hiking trail nearby? Or a park?? Go for it. If you have a dog, take it out for the walk too, that will keep your focus on the dog and off your thoughts. Be sure to look at things while you are walking, maybe just in the neighborhood, if there is no park.

Also, do you know grounding techniques? If not, ask your therapist to explain some to you. And while you are at it, maybe your therapist can help you to discover who that loud lady was in your past and what she did to you. That might help too!

 

[nycowboy]

Thanks, SK. I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me too. I'm a Christian too, and it bothers me that I have a hard time loving my neighbor.

We DO have lots of things to do around here. I am getting better at doing "stuff" to keep the thoughts at bay. I have learned to acknowledge that they do exist, though, so they don't scream at me louder.

I am starting to look into grounding techniques, and will ask my therapist about them, as well as the "loud lady" trigger.

But, boy, is it HARD HARD HARD to focus on the present. I can be doing lots of stuff but my mind quickly goes back to those ladies and some imagined conflict that we will have. The only thing that seems to totally alleviate it is exercise (which I hate doing) - I did run for awhile last year and liked it. It really kept me in the present for most of the day.

I do LOVE horseback riding, but unfortunately I don't have a horse, and my riding time ($$$) is limited to once a week. This also is a TOTAL way to keep my thoughts on the present. Maybe I'm going to email the "horse lady" that I ride with and ask her how I can get more riding time.

Thanks again.

 

[scout86]

Hi to a fellow "last kid chosen on the playground"! I could relate to what you said so well, you had me literally laughing out loud. All of that is why I don't live in town! I actually HAVE a neighbor, whose house I can see. Fortunately, he's only here on weekends. On weekends, I tend to stay in the house, which I hate, or leave (which I resent). My neighbor happens to be pretty much a jerk, so there's no hope, beyond a 12' high solid fence, which I'm considering. Actually, you might consider one of those "privacy fences" too, if it's an option.

I suppose the rational thing to do IS something like bake cookies and start over. I've been in therapy about a year too. It's helping. I'm finding that now and then I can just use the truth to explain things that seem to require an explanation. "Sorry I blew up at you on the phone. I have PTSD and part of that is when I feel corned and badgered, I also feel compelled to defend myself. I yelled at you because, at the time, it seemed like the only way to get you to shut up." I'm not sure that always solves anything except that most people don't do it again. LOL

I'd say your best bet is a combination of working on yourself in therapy and trying to see if you can get to know them as "people:" Good luck with that, and welcome to the forum!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@weavingcowboy firstly a very warm welcome to the forum.

I too was beaten and chased by the other kids at both primary school and comprehensive right through until I was 16 years old.

I was a male ballet dancer as a child and loved to dance, really loved it but the other kids both boys and girls would chase me, urinate on me and smear dog excrement in my hair. I totally understand what you say about not being able to love thy neighbour (I too am a very active Christian with firm rooted beliefs - not from others indoctrinating me but from my own experience with the Lord.

The biggest stopper for me all these years was the fact that I could not face my abusers (there were many more than just the school-kids) and actually be able to say those three words 'I forgive you'. I have been able to do that now and I know it really is not an easy thing to do, forgiving someone who hurts you when you are a child like that.

You are in my prayers, one Christian to another.

:hug:s if you accept them one sufferer to another.

Laurence

 

[nycowboy]

First to scout: Thanks for your kind words. I have considered a fence. It would help with the whole "being watched" thing. But then I have to overcome my fear of being told "no" and "don't do that" and "that's silly" or "that's too much" before I can follow through. I'd love to start over with the people next door, but I don't know how. Big Nikki is very defensive (maybe another hurt soul?) and she well, scares me. Like, she could beat me up, scares me. Like, she looks like a big old girl-bully. One day at a time.

To Laurence: thanks for your welcome. And a big hug to you. I never had dog poop smeared on me. I'm "different" too. I liked cooking before it was OK for boys to like to cook, and now I have an avocation of being a weaver - which to most people is feminine nowadays. So I get it.

Some day I hope to be able to fact Big Nikki, or at least wave. I'm not there yet. :( She just scares me. And I'm a 43 year old male with a big mustache and cowboy boots. :)

 

[Deleted member 20280]

And I am a 43 years old male with a crewcut and full set, (no cowboy boots though)

 

[Justmehere]

What about writing them a card?

I did that with my neighbors. I as too scared to talk to them... I wrote them a simple card. In my case, I told them I have PTSD and I get jumpy and sometimes extra scared and sometimes a little bit stuck on things being a certain way. I told them I'm in treatment and I'm working on getting better. I told them it helps me if they do certain things (call me instead of knock - that is a big trigger for me) and some other things. I finished by saying I'm just a regular girl recovering from ptsd - I'm not a freak - I just wanted to let them know I'm fighting this illness and how I am so they can know it's not about them and how we can get along the best. I finished it with telling them I'm looking forward to being great neighbors.

My therapist went over the cards with me (it was her idea to try this) and I just left the card on the doorstep and it helped a lot at my old building. It helped a lot. It was really hard to do, but I was desperate to have good relationships (i.e. not close ones, but not massively triggering relationship with neighbors or neighbors doing things I struggle with a lot)

I'm preparing to do the same thing at the new building I'm in. It's scary to do. It's just a little scarier to have to handle all the triggers otherwise. That's just what helped in my experience... so far... I'm still working on it...

 

[nycowboy]

Laurie: :) big smilie! You should try a pair of boots - they are great confidence builders and make you a couple of inches taller!

Justme: I have wondered about writing a card or something. I don't want things to be bad with us, but I wish I could tell them not to blast their music - not that they have since October, but ... well... you know how PTSD is... what if? :)

I did write the landlord after we talked last November. I "previewed" the letter with my therapist and she said it was very good except that she thought (strongly) to leave the PTSD part out because that was privileged information.

Just curious, though. You say that writing a card helped you. But did it do anything with your neighbors? Like, do they acknowledge you now or do they at least not do stuff that triggers you?

I'd like to try something like what you recommend, but I'm afraid that it will backfire and blow up in my face somehow.

Thanks for your help, though!

 

[nycowboy]

Sheila: I did a life-affirming thing yesterday. I renewed my library card. I got mad a few years back with the Director of our small-town library because she was so snooty and standoffish, and I vowed not to go in there again. She retired 2 months ago. I got up the courage to go in and renew my card, even though the voices were saying "no don't do that." Who knows why? Anyway, I found some really neat books to read. Ahh...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Problems with neighbors you do not like are a very common problem. Been there, done that. We put up a privacy fence and that solved the problems. I am a private person and do not share information private to me with anyone I do not like or trust. I wish you the best on this one. I sure feel for you going through this.

 

[nycowboy]

Sheila: the grounding technique of using an ice cube worked very well yesterday! I am trying to do at least one life-affirming thing each day. Yesterday it was making a real point of playing with/including my son who has autism. Oh, the joy on his face...