General New Here.. Introduction

[Angus McGee]

Hi, all.

My wife was terribly abused as a child, and has done a great job of hiding the wounds for 35+ years. Last November, an incident at her office triggered a relapse,and since then, she has been emotionally shut down. We went from a loving relationship to roommates in just a few short weeks.

It has been close to 6 months since I've felt any kind of emotion from her.

She has agreed to go in for treatment, and I'm hoping it will help. We have been to marriage counselling, but we put that on hold until after her PTSD treatment.

I feel bad sharing my emotions through all of this, because I know it's not about me. What I'm afraid of is that the treatment won't do what I hope it will, and we will end up divorced.

I do not want that.

Even though she lives under the same roof, I miss her terribly.

I don't tell her how I feel because I don't want her to feel guilty on top of everything else.

 

[amethist]

Hi Angus and welcome to the supporter's area of the forum.

This is all hard for you to take in just now, as all supporters will tell you. It is not easy and yes it does have a big impact on you as well as your wife. It is about you too, so please do not let anyone tell you different.

You have lost the wife you had, the wife who was warm and loving, through no fault of either of you.

This does not mean the end of your marriage, it will never be the same, but it can be better than it is now. There are no guarantees, but it is possible. You have lost your wife as she was, but with good therapy and hard work, you could possibly be able to salvage something, if you can work and stick together through the tough and rocky times ahead.

ISH is another husband who has lost his wife as she was, but they are still together, trying to hang in there.

The best thing you can do right now, is read some of the articles on the link below, as well as the different threads and "Sticky Notes" in the area. They will help you understand a bit more of how this effects both of you.

Taking good care of yourself is a must, or you will struggle to help your wife.

Amethist

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks.

I don't see any link.

 

[amethist]

ooops sorry.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/forums/articles.52/[/DLMURL]

Yea a supporters mind is sometimes on another planet too. :rolleyes:

 

[Angus McGee]

Here is a question for the group.

I feel very unloved by my wife right now. That, from what I understand is to be expected. As difficult as that is to endure, I can and will until she gets help (will start happening very soon) because I still love her, and to me, she is worth waiting for. If I do just walk out, it seems to me that would validate her own feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

She even asked me. "Why are you fighting so hard for this? (meaning our marriage)"

I replied, " because it is the right thing to do, I love you, and it's worth fighting for."

I didn't get a response.

My fear is this. If she leaves me, I won't find anyone else to love, and who loves me.

Does any other carer feel that way?

 

[May1321]

Hi Angus.

Welcome, first off and good for you on your steps to find healthy support through this trying time.

In response to your question, I feel exactly that way.

What amethist says is right, tho. It is so important to take this time to rebuild yourself so that you don't crumble any further under the pressure.

I know myself, I sometimes feel like I'm defending my reasons why I "love" and "care" so much. I'm working on my own to validate 'my own' feelings and stand by the fact that I don't need to defend myself. I care. I'm loyal. My partner and I separated after he started his PTSD treatment, but he still looks to me for the encouragement. I feel if I just "move on" while he still needs this, then ....

that would validate her (his) own feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness

She needs, whether she admits or realizes it or not, to know that you are still her rock. But you need to be a rock for yourself first. It's hard, but you can't push, but by sticking to your goals and owning your emotions, you will hold her up.

Lots of information and support here... and definitely get the PTSD Relationship book... it helps in a lot of areas for better understanding and support.

Wishing you strength!

 

[Angus McGee]

It is very difficult for me to be a strong, loving father to our kids. We have a 1 year old and a 16 year old. Fortunately, my 16 year old daughter and I are very close. She is my rock through all of this. She is in a mentor program through our church, and hers is a counsellor, which I know is very good for her.

However, I do my best to shield her from how I'm really feeling because I don't want her to have to deal with these things too. It's not fair to her. I'm not always good at that tho. She has seen me sob on more than one occasion.

Our 1 year old son is the center of my wife's universe right now, and I believe if anything will help get her though the upcoming treatment, it will be him.

On top of being a strong father, I have to shield my emotions at work. I can't allow what's happening at home to affect my productivity while I'm on the clock. It has slipped through, however. I sat down with my supervisor a few weeks ago, and filled him in so he knew what was going on, and I broke down in tears. Honestly, I haven't cried as hard or as much in the last few months as when I was in diapers. Everyone says how healthy it is, but I hate it.

 

[May1321]

Oh, ugh :(

Nothing is tougher to go through what you are going through and not feel totally in control in two important areas of your life... job and kids.

I have a unique situation as I'm A) an emotional chick :) but my sufferer owns the building our office is in - how i met him initially - he is also a client to the half of the business I do not deal with. To first go to my employers and co-workers (small firm) and be elated about the relationship and have their overwhelming support was tough enough.... never did I expect to have them see me completely crushed and confused.

That being said, I think it is very healthy for you to at least clear the air on what is going on in your life with work, and even be up front with your daughter. That is wonderful she has the church for her support!!

Definitely utilize this site ... the diary section for your venting and emotional releases and the next best thing I've found was therapy for myself. It's hard to bring family and friends into it because as you'll read through, everyone struggles with having people in their lives that will just let you be without giving you an opinionated opinion or "words of wisdom" that are full of judgement or overprotection, or feel (to you) as lack of care or understanding.

I truly believe that the only way to heal wounds and build strength is by opening them up, allowing the pain to ooze out and finding forgiveness within you for yourself and for your sufferer and her abusors.

You are on the right track :tup: Best to you!!

 

[Tosh]

I am a sufferer from ptsd and thought I could give you my perspective. My relationship with my now fiance was crumbling before I got treatment. My symptoms began developing after we had been in our relationship for over a year. I tried hard to ignore and push down my symptoms but it was no use. I became depressed. I remember shutting him out for awhile cause I believed that he didn't understand how I felt. It was like noone could help me, even if they wanted to. I was stuck.

I remember him telling me how he wanted to be my rock. We went to couple's counseling/therapy and it was very benefitial to our relationship. He was the one who suggested it to me. He told me he was going to go even if I wouldn't, so I felt like I better go. The counseling helped us get our communication back. One of the things she had us do was get a timer. Then find a quite place and time with no distractions. Then every night we would take turns setting the timer for five minutes. During that time one of us could talk without being interupted. The other person could not say anything only listen. Then the other person would get a turn. After we both had a turn we did five more minutes where we would both talk to eachother. When the time was up we had to stop. After a few weeks we increased the time to 10 minutes. Then after awhile we didn't need a timer at all.

I see that you are already in marriage counseling and that is good. Our counselor also does marraige counseling, but the couple's therapy was what got us through the tough times and is different than marraige counseling.

We are so much closer now, and share a special bond. His loving support and understanding is something I am very thankful for. I had to help myself by going to therapy, getting meds from the doctor, joining support groups, etc... Things got much better for us, and I'm sure they will for you too. Hang in there. May hope and the strength be with you.

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks, all.

I'm glad I found this place.

 

[Angus McGee]

Is it normal for a sufferer to want to isolate themselves (in a bedroom, etc)?

My wife and I had an interesting discussion tonight.

Because our son was so unexpected, his crib is in with my wife in her bedroom. Yes, we have separate rooms because of our work schedules. She has worked swing shift for several years now, and I have to get up early, so separate rooms just works best,

Since her relapse, she has become more secluded, and has spent the past few weeks only coming out of her room for bathroom visits. I'll bring her her food, and take her dirty dishes when she is done.

Since she is gone weeknights, getting our son down is no big deal. When it's bedtime, he goes in his crib, and falls asleep.

However, on weeknights, she is in there, and when he goes into his crib, he sees her, and wants out. He won't go to sleep, fusses, and that gets her mad, she comes out, yells at me. I take him into my room, and try to get him down. He cries harder and harder until she comes in and takes him back into her room where he cries, gets her frustrated, a d the situation repeats itself until our son finally falls asleep. Last week, it took three rounds.

Tonight, I suggested she come out of her room just long enough to get him asleep like he does every week night. She refused. After she got tired of hearing him cry in my room, she came and got him. I said, "it's the same thing every weekend."

She replied, "well, you won't have to deal with it much longer."
When I asked for explanation, she said "it's become painfully obvious I don't belong here. As soon as I can find an affordable apartment, I'm out of here."

I'm not sure how she can come to that conclusion. We all need her at home. We've told her that many times, but she refuses to hear it.

Is that normal behavior?

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Angus

Sounds like difficult times for you all. While PTSD Sufferers say they find children relaxing I tend to disagree to a point as they cause stress in any normal relationship let alone to someone who has PTSD.

I don't have any good advice on how to resolve this issue with your wife but it does some like typical behavior in pushing you away. The best thing you can do is to tell her "you do want her there" and perhaps try a new tactic with the baby.

Would it be possible, when it is time to put the baby down, to ask her to kiss him goodnight and sit in another room and relax, have a hot chocolate etc, while you put your son down? You said it's pretty simple so if you can do that then your wife can return to the room without getting all stressed out and without your son being unnecessarily distressed?