General New Here.. Introduction

[ISupportHer]

Thoughts?

I agree that the thinking that just mailing in the keys and walking away is altered rationalization. That would follow BOTH of you for quite some time if the mortgage is in both names. Plus, won't anyone renting an apartment run a credit check or verify income, etc? Unless you rent from a private individual.

And you told her she was free to go? Just curious, was this in a moment of frustration? Or something you consider an option? I know it's not what you want, however.

ISH

 

[Angus McGee]

And you told her she was free to go? Just curious, was this in a moment of frustration? Or something you consider an option? I know it's not what you want, however.

ISH

I had to come to the point mentally and emotionally to allow her the option to leave if that's what she truly wants. It took many many tears to get there. It wasn't out of frustration, if anything, it was out of compassion.

I told her "if leaving is what it takes to make (or help make) you better, then who am I to stand in your way?" Her health is my #1 priority. Even if that means letting her go, as hard as that is. Honestly, it only seems to come up when she is upset about something. If I were a betting man, I'd bet she isn't going to leave, but even the talk is hard.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Angus, in the time of such despair, those of us who are trapped in our emotions are 'betting' those who love us will not walk away but, take us with them. Your wife might be pushing you away because she does love you but afraid to take you where her thoughts travel. Her perceived conclusion may be to set you free from her hell, equally compassionate but not realistic when you have committed to care for one another ... in sickness and in health. You have chosen to champion her cause by reaching out to others. Don't let your tears weaken you but with every tear, regain your faith and the courage to take on another day.

 

[Angus McGee]

Wow. That's quite a statement. Thank you. Because she loves me, she wants to spare me. Because I love her, I want to share and hopefully lighten her load. Quite the paradox.

 

[Amy Jo]

Here is a question for the group.

I feel very unloved by my wife right now. That, from what I understand is to be expected. As difficult as that is to endure, I can and will until she gets help (will start happening very soon) because I still love her, and to me, she is worth waiting for. If I do just walk out, it seems to me that would validate her own feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

She even asked me. "Why are you fighting so hard for this? (meaning our marriage)"

I replied, " because it is the right thing to do, I love you, and it's worth fighting for."

I didn't get a response.

My fear is this. If she leaves me, I won't find anyone else to love, and who loves me.

Does any other carer feel that way?

Angus my heart and thoughts go out to you. I was in a much similar circumstance (like many of us here) only I was in here shoes. My fiance was a fighter, just like you. He wouldn't give up on me. I found myself pushing him to, because I felt like I had nothing to offer him. And at the time, I didn't. I was a phantom of the woman he knew. I challenged him. I told him I would understand if he left to find love with someone that could love him back. The fact is that I was sick/she is sick. I believed: you don't leave someone when they're sick--but just how much can one partner take? I don't know how my fiance did it (dealing with me, loving me) but he tried, and he ended up calling it quits. And you know what? He tried so hard, that I'll never blame him. He tried. I still love him, and we're great friends now, but I had to let that man breathe, he wasn't living his life because of me, and that was an aweful feeling. I hope you're doing ok. You seem like a compassionate, loyal man, and I think sometimes the choices we have to make have to be about taking care of ourselves as well.

 

[Amy Jo]

Now I think maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was wrong of him to leave me when i was sick. Because it hurt(s) like hell. But I want whats best for him. I WAS betting him to leave at first, and for a long time I just needed his presence in the house to make me feel loved. But then I realized it was just too hard on him. Maybe I question his love for me because of it; maybe I felt worse about my condition because he intensified/justified my abandonment issues, but at the same time, I wanted him to be free and happy. I didn't want to sink another person.

 

[caliaviator]

I feel the same way with a lot of the people I hurt along the way. In my past I was betrayed, hated, mocked, and when I got older that really messed me up when it came to love and trust. When someone loved me I would have both the openness and the distrust. If something happened I would always assume the worse. Though instead of the other leaving me, I would leave them because I couldn't cope with the pain and I didn't want them to be affected by me and my issues.

One thing that I look for in my relationships is the willingness to share on both parties. If the other is feeling bad I want to help. Sure I got PTSD but it doesn't mean that I'm not willing to help out. If someone helps me I want to be there for them, otherwise I feel guilty of being a "taker". I'm not sure if your wife feels the same as I do when it comes to someone sharing their problems, but what it did for me was it showed me that despite my problems someone else was willing to share theirs with me. It made me feel less broken, more "normal", less coddled. It makes me want to help, and when I do that I'm more willing to share things about myself. That's my view on it.

 

[Angus McGee]

In my heart, I know that I am doing the right thing. I'll be there for her, and support her as long as she needs. We have been married for 21 years on May 26, and I'm not just going to walk away from that just because my needs aren't getting filled, per se. I love her. I know she loves me, but just can't show it right now. That's okay. Hard, but okay. Learning about the symptoms of her PTSD is helping me significantly. You all are a big part of that.

Thank you.

 

[Angus McGee]

It's funny.

Some days, I feel like the above post. I'm definitely doing the right thing. She has an illness, I'm not going to walk away from her just because of that, regardless of how hard it is on me.

Then, other days, I wonder... Is she really sick, or just sick of me? People tell me not to take it personally, but how can I not? My partner, the yin to my yang, the love of my life has shut me out of her life. I've made myself available to her, but still. I'm being kept away.

Do any other carers feel that way?

She has found a place to get her treatment, but is yet to make an appointment. She promised she'd make contact a month ago, and other than one phone call to their office, no progress.

:unsure:

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Maybe offer to make appointments for her ... a gentle nudge you won't give up - I have avoided making doctors appts. myself in the last two months because they want my blood. I am being childish but I have not called to do the right thing for me but my fellow PTSD mate committed to his blood work for the VA and I encouraged him to do it before it was too late to meet with his doc. This made me realize that I was just as bad if not worse about it. In fact, after posting this I'm calling for my lab work.... See Angus, it isn't just you thinking this way - it's her not doing what she needs done for some freaky, unknown fear or the fear of seeing another side of herself she needs to tend too? I'm that kind of person today. So, you take care ... love is a work of patience.

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks, Linda. She has said that to me in fact. She told me "You may not like (thinking she meant "love") the person I am on the other side of the treatment."

My reply was "How could I not?"

After all, I loved her in her illness. Should this treatment work, and she becomes healthy(ier), how could I not love her? It's like she thinks my love for her is fickle.

It isn't.

However, when I tell her I love her, she can't comprehend it. I take her silent reply as her not loving me anymore. I'm learning that that isn't the case, and I shouldn't take her not saying she loves me, or even being unloving towards me these days as a lack of love for me. It is just a lack of the ability to show it.

That's fine. Hard, but fine.

I am having my own internal battle between those two sides. The one that says "She doesn't love you. You are wasting your time and emotion on a woman who'd rather see you gone." vs. "She is hurting, and needs you now more than ever. She just can't wrap her head around the fact that someone or anyone can love her. She feels confused, and alone. Keep on being kind, and be patient. She will come around someday and all of this will be well worth the investment."

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

It is hard to believe we who are so damaged can be needed - let alone wanted - like the song says, "hang on loosely, but don't let go."