General New Here.. Introduction

[Angus McGee]

I just might have to track that song down now. I know the one you're talking about.

thx!

 

[Angus McGee]

We had a long, tearful talk this past weekend. We basically emphasized the points we've already made to one another. I told her I loved her, and that she loved me too even though she was unable to verbalize it. She told me that she feels so terrible because of how she's disappointed me. I told her, "You're not a disappointment. You have an illness. How could I be disappointed in an illness? Everything that's happened to get you to this point is not of your doing. It has happened to you. You are like a computer in "safe mode". That's okay. What we have to do is get you better."

She told me "I'm afraid of what kind of person the treatment will turn me into. I may be even more stoic. I may want to stay out all night, or even days on end without coming home. Can you love me then?"

I told her, "You are the most giving, hard working, loving person I've ever known. You care more about others than yourself. I've seen it with my own eyes. That person is still in there, but because of the difficult things these past two years, that person is hiding. You. Are. Not. To. Blame for any of it. Neither of us could have seen the events coming, or we certainly would have changed things. I miss you terribly, and need you to go through the therapy come what may. Once you get through your treatment, let's reassess things, and see where we are. However, first things first."

She still brought up the dissapointment thing, and how she wants her own place where she can just be without any expectations. I asked "How can we (our 16yo daugher and I) reduce or eliminate the expecations you feel you have on you?"

"I don't know."

"Please think about it, and get back to me, okay?"

"Okay."

That's about where we ended it.

Later in the day, she went into the kitchen to make some pies for a co-worker (there's that nice person coming out). However, when things didn't go exactly as planned, she went into a rage, and started slamming things. She started stomping around the house looking for this or that. Yelling at me, and our kids. Not screaming at the top of her lungs, rage, but definitely quite upset. That characteristic is something that has been there since I've known her. So, I suppose the PTSD has been there all along, and just came to the surface more recently. My daughter and I know that the best thing to do when she is like that is to just stay out of her way. Nothing we can say helps her calm down.

 

[ISupportHer]

We had a long, tearful talk this past weekend. We basically emphasized the points we've already made to one another. I told her I loved her, and that she loved me too even though she was unable to verbalize it. She told me that she feels so terrible because of how she's disappointed me. I told her, "You're not a disappointment. You have an illness. How could I be disappointed in an illness? Everything that's happened to get you to this point is not of your doing. It has happened to you. You are like a computer in "safe mode". That's okay. What we have to do is get you better.

Been there, Done that. Well at least said that. Some almost word for word. You are not alone in this.

She told me "I'm afraid of what kind of person the treatment will turn me into. I may be even more stoic. I may want to stay out all night, or even days on end without coming home. Can you love me then?

I just can't agree with all of this. Yes, you can expect stoic behavior and accept that to some extent. As for staying away for days at a time, I just could not accept that as part of a marriage. I think you have mentioned your faith base in the past. Perhaps look at "Hope For The Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed" by Gary Chapman. There is a lot of scripture quoted, sometimes things I did not agree with or even see a correlation, but he does contend that relationships are healed by coming together, not by separation. I know that a sufferer sometimes has to find themselves before dealing with a spouse or partner. I get that. But in my opinion spending time apart is, in most cases, a trial to separate, not a trial of healing and staying together.

I told her, "You are the most giving, hard working, loving person I've ever known. You care more about others than yourself. I've seen it with my own eyes. That person is still in there, but because of the difficult things these past two years, that person is hiding. You. Are. Not. To. Blame for any of it. Neither of us could have seen the events coming, or we certainly would have changed things. I miss you terribly, and need you to go through the therapy come what may. Once you get through your treatment, let's reassess things, and see where we are. However, first things first.

Again, mant thoughts I have verbalized in the past. So we try our best to support without hounding them every minute of every day because of our own insecurities and fears. Not that it is easy! Hell no, it's not easy!

She still brought up the dissapointment thing, and how she wants her own place where she can just be without any expectations. I asked "How can we (our 16yo daugher and I) reduce or eliminate the expecations you feel you have on you?"

"I don't know."

"Please think about it, and get back to me, okay?"

"Okay."

That's about where we ended it.

Later in the day, she went into the kitchen to make some pies for a co-worker (there's that nice person coming out). However, when things didn't go exactly as planned, she went into a rage, and started slamming things. She started stomping around the house looking for this or that. Yelling at me, and our kids. Not screaming at the top of her lungs, rage, but definitely quite upset. That characteristic is something that has been there since I've known her. So, I suppose the PTSD has been there all along, and just came to the surface more recently. My daughter and I know that the best thing to do when she is like that is to just stay out of her way. Nothing we can say helps her calm down.

Again, as I have stated in many posts in other threads, I am no expert. I continue to struggle and can't "Fix" it for me. The other books aI have mentioned before, for Supporters, talk a little of this. That because things have happened to a sufferer that they could not control, they sometimes are very controlling and have anger in their lives now as they try to control what they CAN in their lives now. Sometimes it helps ME to just have an awareness of that. If I know WHY something is going on, I can accept it easier, not take it personally, and go on.

 

[Angus McGee]

ISH, thanks.

It is very good to know I am not alone in this.

I did talk to her about me getting away in a few weeks for an overnight motorcycle trip. I told her that the best way for me to help her is to help myself, and for me, there is no better therapy than the therapy I get on two wheels.

Neither of us is saying that she will be the type of person that will be gone for days at a time without any planning, etc. She has never been like that, and I don't expect that that kind of behavior will just pop up all on it's own. For her, it was just a "what if?" proposition.

My reply was "Let's cross that bridge when we come to it." There's no need worrying about something that may or may not happen.

As far as the stoic-ness, I can live with that. Frankly, she has always been like that. She was raised by cops, so that kind of behavior is embedded pretty deeply.

I did suggest she voice her concerns to her therapist. I'm sure they can "steer" the therapy to address specific concerns she has.

Thanks for the book references.

 

[complexmind]

Angus...

It sounds like you've been living my life. Our stories are almost exactly the same. I ache for us both.

I have come to the realization that I am or something about me is the biggest trigger my wife has to deal with. When I 'move toward her' because I see her in pain or when I want to spend time with her because I miss the closeness, she is almost immediately triggered. The part that hurts the most is that she is totally engaged in so many other people's lives but she will not engage into to my life or our marriage (except superficially) and it enrages her when I ask why.

I feel so damn alone in all of it. She is able to appear so normal and so perfect to everyone else. Because of the outward appearances no one will really even talk to me about it anymore. They either think I'm an idiot for staying committed to her, that I am somehow the cause of it all (my wife has blamed me for all of it in the past i.e. transference) or they don't know what to believe and just refuse to be involved.

I am with you Angus.

 

[Angus McGee]

Wow, complexmind. Isn't that amazing? It almost feels more painful to stay in the relationship even though it's the right thing to do vs. packing up & heading out. Fortunately, I have a wonderful church family that is there for me. Tears flowed freely yesterday, completely unexpectedly. I would encourage you to find someone to talk to and confide in. They are out there. Whether or not they understand what's going on inside you, a hug and a sympathetic smile can make all the difference. I know it has for me.

You are doing the right thing sticking with her.

Endure. Be strong. It is worth it.

 

[complexmind]

It all seems lost today. My beloved is gone. And in her place is someone that fears me at best....loathes me at worst. I ache for what is lost. Agony above all agonies.

Sent from my HTC HD2 using Forum Runner

 

[Angus McGee]

She is still there. She is behind a veil of confusion and delusion within her own mind. She is clinging on to falsehoods, and rejecting the truth.

Continue to love.

Find a way to show her she is still loved without encroaching on her new boundaries.

She needs you.