New Here - Need Some Answers About Ptsd

[BusyBee]

Did you reach out and express yourself--wish him a Merry Christmas? You need to be yourself in this situation. Want to wish him Happy New Year? Do it!

Friend or lover or both, he isn't going to want you to walk on eggshells around him. This is something I've learned over the past years with my sufferer (who's isolated from me for 5 months once). He actually just initiated conversation and a hang out yesterday after nearly 3 weeks of going dark (no small talk, minimal or basic responses to important comments only, otherwise no answering).

Don't be confrontational. Simply Communicate. Be the person he's been friends with all this time! How can you make your best qualities shine in this dark moment? How can you take care of yourself? Highly recommend watching Brene Brown's TED talks.

 

[Nico]

@Tanishq it is really hurtful and I can't imagine him just calling it quits so quickly. His FB posts were stuff that were so unlike him. He was never active on there before. It came off like he was trying to put up a front for the FB world...like self validating. All I could say to myself was, "who is this guy?!" I couldn't handle seeing it anymore as it was really upsetting, especially not even getting a, "merry christmas" from him. So I had to block him. How can I continue to see him write stuff on FB yet ignore me? This is what I don't understand about PTSD...how they can completely push out a loved one.

@BusyBee , I have reached out to him enough (including a supportive and loving letter). I can't chase after him if he's not talking to me. The thing is, he hasn't come out and said what he's going through. He told me a long time ago he had PTSD, but said it was under control, so I didn't think anything of it. I also never saw him go through an episode. It is only after reading more about my situation that it dawned on me. I can't go running to him and say, "are you acting like this because of your PTSD?" I haven't been confrontational, however was so hurt by his FB activity that I did text him, "what happened? It hurts that you're not communicating. Are you going through something?" I mean, I was crying my eyes out and didn't know what else to say. I have not been pushing, but I also can't coddle someone who can't tell me what he's going through. Know what I mean? As far as myself, it has been the hardest thing I have gone through emotionally. I am getting better and am focusing on the things that make me happy, but I'm not going to lie and say that I don't think about all this a lot.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Nico I'm sorry he won't communicate with you. It's probably all you've been thinking about. Double hurt by the FB business. I have a therapist that is a trauma specialist. He has done nothing alarming to me, and I trust him. But sometimes I drive into his parking lot and I'd just rather not see him or discuss ptsd. I just want to come home and sleep the day away.
Maybe these FB buddies just help him put distance between him and his helpers. Support, yes, but no working on the disorder. This is common in ptsder's. I wish he could articulate where he's at. That's so hard to do with ptsd. He may not ever be able to do that.

 

[Nico]

Thanks @KwanYingirl. We were so close and were able to talk to each other about anything. I guess being a man and in the military, he doesn't want anyone to see him weak (unless I'm completely delusional and he returned from deployment a total asshole). Deep down he's a sensitive guy. It'll be a real shame if he can't find it in himself to at least apologize to me. I've been through the ringer from how he's treated me (not saying he hasn't either, but I didn't do anything to him except want to be with him). He has a daughter and that's what baffles me as how he's acting as a man. I don't know how he could look at his daughter and not think about how he's hurt me. I don't know if his ignoring me is a message of, "you're better off and deserve better." That's not what I believe for myself (especially since we both hated that we let each other go 15 years ago)...there just needs to be communication so I can understand.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yeah, I know either way, you need communication to know where this relationship is going or if it left the station without you. I am very sensitive to rejection so I empathize with you. I have lost many kind and interested suitors over my life because of my paranoia of not being safe alone with a male. But then I lived for two years in a big old house with six men. When there were two or more home, I felt safe. If it was just me and one of the guys, I stayed in my room and wouldn't come out. It had absolutely nothing to do with them. I had been abused severely and developed PTSD which left me terrified of men-when alone with them. It is irrational fear and that is probably what's going on with your beau. That fear is powerful and I left a wake of perplexed and hurt guys-nice decent guys.
He may not. even know what's motivating him, I just want you to know that I doubt it's YOU or who you are. He's in another galaxy and it's not happiness. I'm sorry you have no response from him. I used to do that to guys. I was a real jerk.

 

[Tanishq]

@Nico FB is tough to workout. Really different people use it for different purpose. It's not proper socialization, like we can say people might be taking seriously. I have had seen some people FB, but never met them in real life. They used FB for help, some for fun, some for only games, some to rant/vent.

Yes, he needs to work out the communication.

Sorry to see you are going through rough time. I understand it's hard to move on from such situations.

 

[Nico]

Thanks for sharing @KwanYingirl I think him returning from a shit deployment and walking into his "past" triggered him. His ex wife is obviously in his life a lot because of the kids and the weekend they were figuring out new custody is when he started to pull away. I feel in my gut that something happened that weekend. The last time he went on a deployment was several years ago and he came home to find out his ex was cheating on him, so he asked for a divorce (they had separated once already because of it). He and I were friends at that time, so we were in touch. He used to be open with me and be able to talk about things he was going through, but I guess this is different. He never opened up about his PTSD when he told me he had it. Just mentioned he got it from Iraq several years ago and played it down like it was no big deal.

Thanks @Tanishq ...FB does suck! I never take it seriously, but when you see your boyfriend on there acting like a weirdo (knowing he's treating his girlfriend bad) by trying to prove something to the world was ludicrous. I don't need to log in and have his stuff hurt me anymore than I already am. He turned into one of those people he and I used to joke about...the ones that scream for attention. His behavior came off as really immature.

 

[Freckles66]

@Nico my partner is exactly the same but hes doing it on twitter, he's isolated me to whatsap conversations only for the past month and yesterday told me he just wants to be left alone, but hes still posting on twitter....

 

[Nico]

@Freckles66 it isn't any fun. It's like I'm at a guessing game with myself because he is not communicating AT ALL with me (is he just going to disappear forever, am I overreacting too soon, did I give him enough space, does he really think things won't work out, has he moved on and is a coward to say something, or is it just him getting through his sh*t). If he would just say what he needed from me, I would know what to do. My guy is the type that doesn't want people to know he has problems and I know deep down he doesn't want to hurt me. I would feel like a total fool if I was to reach out to him again. Only 1 of the 3 times I got a response, but it was with zero emotion. That was a month ago. I don't know how you can keep your guy on twitter...it would be really painful for me to see posts because it would only enforce a feeling of rejection. I've been hurting so much, that's why I had to block mine on FB. It felt to me like he was trying to rub salt in a wound.

 

[Freckles66]

@Nico Its horrible and hurtful, I often have to stop myself from arguing with him, because he's nicer to people on twitter with his replies than he is to me.... His response is that is him trying to interact with the world again, and my views are social media isn't interacting properly you can only do that face to face.

As for the no emotion part of it, everything I have read up on it says that happens and my partner is exactly the same, at the moment Im have having a few days rest from the messages etc, as like yourself after a month of sending messages of reassurance and getting little in return have taken there toll emotionally on me. Try not to take it too personally (which I know is easier said than done) I have been through the paranoia of has he just moved on stage, and trust me he won't be in a fit state to move on. Try to remember, its nothing personal about you, they just aren't in a good place at the moment and doing what they think they need to do to survive.

Personally if I was you take a few days to concentrate on you, then after that see how you feel and decide then, I am just doing that myself and I have decided I am still going to try with my partner, but I needed those few days just concentrating and sorting me out. As like you, I was feeling rejected and frustrated at only getting messages and not being able to see them.

If you need to talk or vent I'm here

 

[Nico]

Oh for sure @Freckles66. I have a very full life and have hobbies I do outside of him. I'm the type that "doesn't need a man," yet wants a man and I thought that man was him. I'm not the type that needs a man to make her happy. I just go through my moments of weakness and this site certainly helps to reassure I'm not alone and aren't doing anything wrong. Whatever though...he's still a dick for not saying anything. I'm working to move on, so it's not like I'm sitting around looking at my phone ;).

We can't blame everything on PTSD...these guys aren't living in a cave...they are out in the world. I guess you and I and other supporters just require attention and emotion from them, so it's easier to just shove us aside.

Chin up with you too. It's really hard, I know. And you're so right. they're not in a state to try and date someone else.

 

[Tanishq]

He turned into one of those people he and I used to joke about

This can say a lot about him.

Edit: Nico good decision from you to move on. Personally I don't think he deserves the treatment you are giving him. Don't think so.

It amazes me how people can go away without saying a word by leaving their partner hung in the dark and that out of blue. Hope you are feeling better. :hug: