So, I've been lurking the forums for a couple months now but haven't felt safe enough to post anything. But this morning I found out that my brother is planning to visit me from out of town tomorrow AND Wednesday! He and my dad don't understand what I'm going through at all and don't really buy into the whole 'psychology' thing - they think it's all a scam. On top of that, my fiance and my brother don't get along and my fiance also has an anxiety disorder as well. I'm not sure what to do to handle it all and I really just want to hide in bed and pretend I'm not here, although I don't think that's the best option. UGH. AND I have to get my house cleaned up which has been SO difficult for me lately because of the depression. Help?
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New Here - Unexpected Family Visit
- Post starter Reclusive
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intothelight
Sponsor
Hi Reclusive,
I can relate to what you are saying, for the thing that stresses me out the most is conflict. I am just going to toss a couple of ideas your way that have helped me in the past.
1. Break down the housework into small steps. If I look at the whole house, I get overwhelmed and shut down. Have little tasks to complete is easier.
2. Keep meals simple or buy pizza
3. If possible, set boundaries with your brother if there are behaviors you find upsetting. It is your house.
4. If possible, go out to see a movie or rent some at home. Great way to keep visitors entertained and minimize interaction.
Wishing you the best.
Debbie
I can relate to what you are saying, for the thing that stresses me out the most is conflict. I am just going to toss a couple of ideas your way that have helped me in the past.
1. Break down the housework into small steps. If I look at the whole house, I get overwhelmed and shut down. Have little tasks to complete is easier.
2. Keep meals simple or buy pizza
3. If possible, set boundaries with your brother if there are behaviors you find upsetting. It is your house.
4. If possible, go out to see a movie or rent some at home. Great way to keep visitors entertained and minimize interaction.
Wishing you the best.
Debbie
Hi Reclusive,
It really is ok to post here, and safe. Welcome, although sorry you've been driven into it from under the bed. :)
You probably really love your brother, so all this is hard but the thing is, is that he is coming to your home and should behave respectfully while there of you and your fiancee. It's your home, and the one place on the planet where you should feel safe, protected and secure. Just knowing this perhaps could make you strong enough to stand your ground if things become tense for any reason. Since he sounds like he has this strong ( if incredibly incorrect ) opinion on psychology I'm guessing it's not going to be a great topic-perhaps stay away from it in order to not stress yourself, if possible. Yes, he does need to be educated on this matter but it doesn't sound as if he's very open to a discussion. If he is, and you're up to it, great but if not I'm sure presenting facts to him he's not open to hearing will cause you further anxiety. If he and your fiancee do not get along, it really is up to them to make a workable peace between them for this visit for your sake, not your job to play the anxious, worried mediator. That would have anyone taking up residence under the bed!
Do what you can, and are comfortable with by way of cleaning up your home. It's yours, he's coming pretty much almost out of the blue and can't really expect a spic and span treatment. I actually do find closets and under-the-bed spaces kind of handy for shoving clutter into quickly in times of need though. :) You do what you can do and just don't be too hard on yourself, that's all. Possibly you'll be surprised and the visit will pass quickly and pleasantly for all of you despite these anxieties- it's a nice thought, anyway. :)
I hope it does go an awful lot better than you think, and take care,
Anni
It really is ok to post here, and safe. Welcome, although sorry you've been driven into it from under the bed. :)
You probably really love your brother, so all this is hard but the thing is, is that he is coming to your home and should behave respectfully while there of you and your fiancee. It's your home, and the one place on the planet where you should feel safe, protected and secure. Just knowing this perhaps could make you strong enough to stand your ground if things become tense for any reason. Since he sounds like he has this strong ( if incredibly incorrect ) opinion on psychology I'm guessing it's not going to be a great topic-perhaps stay away from it in order to not stress yourself, if possible. Yes, he does need to be educated on this matter but it doesn't sound as if he's very open to a discussion. If he is, and you're up to it, great but if not I'm sure presenting facts to him he's not open to hearing will cause you further anxiety. If he and your fiancee do not get along, it really is up to them to make a workable peace between them for this visit for your sake, not your job to play the anxious, worried mediator. That would have anyone taking up residence under the bed!
Do what you can, and are comfortable with by way of cleaning up your home. It's yours, he's coming pretty much almost out of the blue and can't really expect a spic and span treatment. I actually do find closets and under-the-bed spaces kind of handy for shoving clutter into quickly in times of need though. :) You do what you can do and just don't be too hard on yourself, that's all. Possibly you'll be surprised and the visit will pass quickly and pleasantly for all of you despite these anxieties- it's a nice thought, anyway. :)
I hope it does go an awful lot better than you think, and take care,
Anni
- Post starter
- #4
Thank you so much for your advice. It's really tough right now because my fiance is still asleep and I don't want to wake him up with this - it'll set him off as well and I don't need both of us freaking out at the same time. But he's usually the one to talk me down. And my anxiety meds are in the bedroom so I can't get to them right now.
Renting movies is a good idea. Luckily I live in a really rural town so there's no where to go out to, really. My agoraphobia is pretty bad right now so I wouldn't feel up to going out anyways. And there's no way to show him 'a night on the town' here, which is good. We both really like horror movies, so maybe we can find something there.
I'm just so stuck right now and keep going around in circles in my own head, which is starting to get really painful and I wish my fiance would wake up so I could talk to him. Reading your responses really does help, though. Maybe if I keep the conversations about him the whole time things really could go smoothly.
Renting movies is a good idea. Luckily I live in a really rural town so there's no where to go out to, really. My agoraphobia is pretty bad right now so I wouldn't feel up to going out anyways. And there's no way to show him 'a night on the town' here, which is good. We both really like horror movies, so maybe we can find something there.
I'm just so stuck right now and keep going around in circles in my own head, which is starting to get really painful and I wish my fiance would wake up so I could talk to him. Reading your responses really does help, though. Maybe if I keep the conversations about him the whole time things really could go smoothly.
Welcome Reclusive :)
I pretty much feel that way about visitors to my home ALL the time and last minute, forget about it!! I don't like it at all - instant freak out, so I highly empathize with you on this. I have been known to just go in my bedroom and not come out. However, if it was my brother with his family he knows he would have to stay at a motel or hotel, that is not possible if he comes alone though because of our relationship so I get it.
I like the idea of the movies too. As far as the cleaning, my motto for fast cleaning is the 'top layer only', which includes:
1. vacuuming
2. sweeping
3. dishes - just washed or at least neatly stacked or placed in dishwasher
4. toilet
5. bedroom door shut
6. junk straightened
7. Swifter dusting
if energy or time for more great, if not screw it
Ta Da!!
Enlist help from loved one. And like what Anni said, it's your home so basically on short notice it's going to have that lived in look so I doubt he'll care or notice. I like your idea of just asking him about him, that is usually how I keep from having to talk about what I'm going through because my family gets uneasy about my PTSD conversations so why even bother to discuss it, I don't.
It's nice to meet you,
Rain
I pretty much feel that way about visitors to my home ALL the time and last minute, forget about it!! I don't like it at all - instant freak out, so I highly empathize with you on this. I have been known to just go in my bedroom and not come out. However, if it was my brother with his family he knows he would have to stay at a motel or hotel, that is not possible if he comes alone though because of our relationship so I get it.
I like the idea of the movies too. As far as the cleaning, my motto for fast cleaning is the 'top layer only', which includes:
1. vacuuming
2. sweeping
3. dishes - just washed or at least neatly stacked or placed in dishwasher
4. toilet
5. bedroom door shut
6. junk straightened
7. Swifter dusting
if energy or time for more great, if not screw it
Ta Da!!
Enlist help from loved one. And like what Anni said, it's your home so basically on short notice it's going to have that lived in look so I doubt he'll care or notice. I like your idea of just asking him about him, that is usually how I keep from having to talk about what I'm going through because my family gets uneasy about my PTSD conversations so why even bother to discuss it, I don't.
It's nice to meet you,
Rain
- Post starter
- #6
Och - migraine and a nap later....
Rain - I'm exactly the same way. People just don't come over to my house and when people come to the door I hide in the bedroom and let my fiance get it. Luckily my brother already plans to stay in a hotel, which is good because I'm going to need my home back overnight since he'll be here for two days.
My fiance said he'd go ahead and take care of the major chores, so that's a relief - except he hasn't budged yet, so I probably better get on them.
It's very nice to meet you, too! And thank you for all the advice - I'm so grateful for people who understand!
Rain - I'm exactly the same way. People just don't come over to my house and when people come to the door I hide in the bedroom and let my fiance get it. Luckily my brother already plans to stay in a hotel, which is good because I'm going to need my home back overnight since he'll be here for two days.
My fiance said he'd go ahead and take care of the major chores, so that's a relief - except he hasn't budged yet, so I probably better get on them.
It's very nice to meet you, too! And thank you for all the advice - I'm so grateful for people who understand!
deer_in_headlights
Diamond Member
Hi Reclusive!
I'm glad you're posting!
It's amazing, once we start posting, how we discover kindred spirits
.
I'll be thinking of you... You can come and "hide out here" if you need to. This is your home, too.
Let us know how you're doing!
(Here's hoping it'll turn out to be a great time.)
With best wishes,
Deer
I'm glad you're posting!
It's amazing, once we start posting, how we discover kindred spirits
I'll be thinking of you... You can come and "hide out here" if you need to. This is your home, too.
Let us know how you're doing!
(Here's hoping it'll turn out to be a great time.)
With best wishes,
Deer
- Post starter
- #8
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- #10
KP the nut
VIP Member
Hi Reclusive, thank you for having the courage to come out of hiding
.
I've just gone through this. My T challanged me to make contact with friends as I was becoming a recluse. Last week I visited a neighbour and friend. Today a different friend visited me.
She is someone I knew from work, way up the food chain from me. However we built up a friendship and if I needed to escape I could join her in her office. She is also now out of work, bloody govt. cutbacks.
Anyway it was the first time she'd been to my house and I wanted it tidy. I vacuum, hide clutter, wave a duster around, wash dishes (they are neatly in the drying rack) and I summond the energy to bake a cake. I made proper coffee, and lit some nice candles.
I try to take the attitude that friends visit to see me, if they are so petty as to look for dust, than 1) they will find it and 2) they are not real friends.
There is a difference between dusty/untidy and dirty. My house is the former.
I hope your visit goes well, it is hard. Movies is a good idea. Also take care of yourself even if you need to go to your room, close the door and do some grounding exercises.
Let us know how it goes, you are not alone
KP
I've just gone through this. My T challanged me to make contact with friends as I was becoming a recluse. Last week I visited a neighbour and friend. Today a different friend visited me.
She is someone I knew from work, way up the food chain from me. However we built up a friendship and if I needed to escape I could join her in her office. She is also now out of work, bloody govt. cutbacks.
Anyway it was the first time she'd been to my house and I wanted it tidy. I vacuum, hide clutter, wave a duster around, wash dishes (they are neatly in the drying rack) and I summond the energy to bake a cake. I made proper coffee, and lit some nice candles.
I try to take the attitude that friends visit to see me, if they are so petty as to look for dust, than 1) they will find it and 2) they are not real friends.
There is a difference between dusty/untidy and dirty. My house is the former.
I hope your visit goes well, it is hard. Movies is a good idea. Also take care of yourself even if you need to go to your room, close the door and do some grounding exercises.
Let us know how it goes, you are not alone
KP
deer_in_headlights
Diamond Member
Hi Reclusive,
I'm sending you good thoughts, and hopes that you're managing. I hope this visit turns out to be a good one, maybe even with laughter. Do you enjoy funny movies? I love the goofy ones like Airplane, Spaceballs, etc... that have sight gags in them. Great for setting a fun atmosphere, boosting your immune system and painkilling endorphins.
Thinking of you,
Deer
I'm sending you good thoughts, and hopes that you're managing. I hope this visit turns out to be a good one, maybe even with laughter. Do you enjoy funny movies? I love the goofy ones like Airplane, Spaceballs, etc... that have sight gags in them. Great for setting a fun atmosphere, boosting your immune system and painkilling endorphins.
Thinking of you,
Deer
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