Relationship New Relationship And Ptsd...i'm At A Loss

[VikingsGF]

Hi everyone, new to this forum. I met a fantastic guy a little over a month ago, and to say we hit it off immediately isn't describing how amazing it was. In fact, it's been great for a month. He's a gentleman, a hard worker, and has always been available......we text and talk from early morning until late at night.....until yesterday. He was upfront since day one of his PTSD from serving 12 years in the Army in combat. He snapped at me in such a way that I feel like I was talking to a completely different person, and our talk has been limited at best the past two days. I'm doing my best to give him his space but it is literally tugging at my heartstrings, that I cannot do anything to help him and I find myself crying for no reason. Well, there IS a reason, but I'm sure you understand what I mean. He told me we need to "take things slow" - if it were any slower a snail could beat us to the finish line - but I have to respect his wishes. I just don't understand how he can go from saying how badly he wants to see me to half an hour later telling me to back off. It breaks my heart that he's going through what he's going through and all the while I want him to know he can trust me. His last relationship threw him for a loop (she used him for money and personal gain and then disappeared without an explanation) so I'm sure the hesitation is in part due to that as well. Something is telling me to stick with it, so I am. Any help that anyone can offer would be so appreciated. I just want my funny, articulate guy back. :(

 

[Snowflakes]

@VikingsGF What you have just seen has happened to so many of us. I'm not saying that to diminish your feelings, I'm saying that you know we understand and care. By coming here you took the first step. We are all in this together and will help you by answering you questions and listening to your story.

At the top of this forum is a great collection of videos that will give you a lot of insight into what is happening and some coping skills.

Also read our stories here. I learned much by reading other people's stories....both sufferers and supporters.

You didn't say your soldier or veteran is getting help for his PTSD, hopefully he is. It is important you get help for yourself also, not because you have a mental illness, but because you'll need to learn coping skills and to be able to talk to someone who understands PTSD. If you intend to stay with him, I would suggest seeing a therapist also sometime in the future. I started seeing one on the suggestion of someone here and it is helping me as I support my sufferer.

I wish you both well....we are here for you.

 

[Bradford]

Hi everyone, new to this forum. I met a fantastic guy a little over a month ago, and to say we hit it...

I understand what you are going through. I have a lady that I love so much and found that she has severe PTSD. Some of the things that you have described are so close to what I have experienced. IT is so much like there are two persons in her little body. The two people can be so different. When her PTSD kicks in it is so difficult. She is telling me to go find someone else, quit pushing, back off then when no PTSD it is totally different. We are in love, she loves me; life is good. It is an amazing roller coaster ride. Earlier today I felt that I was going to be thrown off (not jump off as I have felt before). It can be crazy. We have known each other for about 2 years, but only become very close and intimate in the last 6 months. She knows I love her and she tells me the same, but then the PTSD kicks in and suddenly I am not a good person. In her case, her last relationships (actually one marriage, one bad relationship after that) did a number on her. She tells me that I scare her because I am so good to her. (I take that as she is afraid I am going to change and stop treating her the way I do.)

Anyway, what I have found is I keep treating her with respect, tell her I love her, tell her she is beautiful and make sure no matter what she knows I will be here for her. The trend so far has been she keeps coming back, stronger than before. I don't have a silver bullet and what is working in my relationship is not necessarily what will work in all. As we know, everyone is different. All I know is that I keep letting her I love her and I am always and will always be here for her. The end result is at this point she goes back to the one I first loved.

Hang in there. I don't know what I have said will help or will even fit into your relationship, but I really hope it does in some way.

 

[walter mitty]

Viking, i am the one with PTSD in our relationship,and part of me knows when i am pushing her away, but I feel so at risk, so into the fight or flight mode, that i do and say things i hate. I am better at giving her warnings that i am feeling against a wall, but sometimes she misses them and I go into defense mode. As i say, i hate it, but often can't stop it or soften it. I got no answers for you either outside of reading and realizing you are not alone, and you did not cause this.

 

[dulcia]

I just want my funny, articulate guy back.

One thing to keep in mind is that there isn't a "bad version" and a "good version" of him. It's all him, wrapped up into a complicated web, made even the more complicated by PTSD and by deployments in combat zones. The PTSD, or the "bad side" of him is never going to go away.... With that being said, he can learn ways to manage his reactions and his symptoms through dedication, hard work, and treatment, which can make things a lot easier, but the PTSD will still be a big part of who he is. Taking things slow and knowing how to give space when they need can seem hard a month in, and imagine how hard those things are 2, 3, 4 years in, because the two of you could still be dealing with the same things then, as some supporters here are.

His last relationship threw him for a loop (she used him for money and personal gain and then disappeared without an explanation) so I'm sure the hesitation is in part due to that as well.

I would try not to focus on this kind of stuff. Trying to figure him or his behaviors out can eventually turn into digging for excuses as to why he treats you poorly (or snaps at you), if that becomes a common thing in your relationship moving forward. In fact, I wouldn't focus on him at all at this point. I would focus on you. If something is telling you to stick with it? By all means, do that. But make sure you're prepared (communication techniques, a support system, things to do to stay busy when he needs space) if sticking with it is your final decision.