krazyglued
New Here
Hi Everyone. I have been to therapy in the past--several times--and I have always had therapists that treated me with polite indifference, and I thought that was how therapy worked--I talked about what was bothering me and they gave me suggestions about my behavior and then we scheduled another session. Most of the time I came out of those sessions spun out, anxious, upset, and didn't even know why. Therapy was more of a trigger than a help, and I didn't even know what a trigger was then because nobody had bothered to tell me I have PTSD from childhood trauma. It's not that I was ever shy about admitting that I was abused--I am not afraid to sit down and tell that part of my story--the snapshot version of "this is what happened to me"--but the only thing that therapists have done is say "well, that makes sense why you feel depressed" or some such crap like that and we worked on why I was acting out in my current relationship or some useless tangent, and then I'd leave (spun out, anxious, upset). Until now.
Because I was never told I have PTSD, I just keep blowing my life up at intervals. All of my crisis occurs in the parameters of relationships, of course, since that's where the original trauma occurred, and I got married last year and didn't know that my spouse and I BOTH have PTSD. It's like the gift that keeps on giving. Now, imagine two people, crazy in love, and crazy with PTSD and don't even know it, and then they get married and STRESS happens . . . It was like the PTSD version of Coachella for the past several months--we camped out in CHAOS. So, my (still undiagnosed at this point) PTSD cracked me wide open finally, and I had a major rage episode (which didn't go well . . . ) and I finally went to therapy because I need help. I can't talk about getting help. I can't "intellectualize" this depth of pain or confusion. I can't keep providing my own internet-based therapy for myself, you know?
So I got a therapist, and she was the WORST therapist ever--she just happened to be the first one to call me back off the list of referrals, you know? I saw her for 4 sessions and every session I went to made me feel like I wanted to swerve my car into a tree after I left. I was so MESSED UP afterward---she looked at me in the first session and decided that I was bi-polar. I was crushed. Bi-polar. Thanks. By the 4th session she told me I had borderline personality disorder. BPD. Thanks for that, too. I said to her, "I don't think you like me very much." Here I was, in the middle of a PTSD meltdown--I'd cut contact with my mother, I'd gone to jail, my marriage was broken, I was broken--and the best she could offer me was BPD and a 30 day ultimatum to quit self-medicating with marijuana or she wouldn't see me anymore. I called the next therapist on the list.
That therapist stopped the session after 45 minutes and told me that she couldn't work with me. She only offered a very vanilla kind of therapy, she said, (what does that even mean??), and I was more depressed than any client she had ever worked with (my first mental health achievement award), and I was violent (yeah, in my house with my wife and undiagnosed PTSD. Yes, I was), so she told me to find a different therapist. She kicked me out. I had just told her all of my shame about what had happened to land me in her office and 45 minutes in she tells me I am too much for her. I was broken. And angry.
I called the next two therapists on the list. One called back. She told me to email her my availability and I took the opportunity of an email to tell her hey, I don't want to waste your time, so here's what's going on with me. She wrote back "I'd be happy to work with you." So she scheduled me for the very next day, and I went, and she listened to me and she said "you have PTSD from your childhood trauma. Hasn't anyone ever told you that before?" I said no, nobody. I cried.
That weekend I had a major rage fight with my wife--remember, we both have PTSD and we are both on complete tangents and I have had ONE therapy session with someone who is even on the right track, so we had a huge blowout and I ended up at my sister's house with a duffel bag of clothes. Broken again. I emailed this new therapist and she talked me down and got me in for a session the very next day, and then saw me for my already-scheduled session two days later, and she held me over in my session because she'd had a cancellation after me, and she just gave me a double session without even telling me. She just helped me. She is amazing. And that's the problem.
I have had 3 sessions with her (4 if you count the double) and I am probably already feeling major transference right now. I feel terrible about it, and full of shame. I have never had a therapist HELP me, and I have never had somebody identify with the source of my pain and hurt and shame and fear so immediately and so empathically. She has freaked me out. She isn't pushy, she completely lets me establish my own pace for trust, but I already feel enmeshed--like I want to trust her with things and invest in her and I really think for the first time in my life I can HEAL. I can have someone deconstruct these layers of shame from abuse, and heal that brokenness and help me to remove my mother's face from the sun, and this is scaring me so very much. I feel ashamed to need her. I feel needy. I am living at my sister's and the only thing that is keeping me going is the fact that I'm seeing this new therapist twice a week and she lets me email her in the empty days when I am struggling to get through. I already count on her and I've seen her three sessions. I'm freaking out and obsessing and I don't know if this is normal.
If anyone has had these feelings so quickly, so suddenly, so intensely, I would like to know how you were able to function--to go from obsessing about the darkness of my pain to obsessing about the light of therapy is really messing with my head and all I want to do is self-medicate and be self-destructive, but I know that would disappoint my therapist and already I care enough about her not to disappoint her. I feel so lost right now. Unhinged, untethered and drifting. I know I'm supposed to trust in the process. I'm a control freak--I can't just trust in anything, and everything feels amplified--even the good things. This is the first time in my life I have ever said "I am in crisis" and I am--without trumping it up for attention. I am in crisis, and this therapist is helping me and it's too much for me. I already tried to quit therapy after our double-session on Thursday--I walked out of there feeling so good that I had to quit. I sent her an email that night--full of emotional turmoil and confused feelings--and I was probably all burned up with transference and I can't even deal with it. I don't know if I should tell her these things or not. Three sessions. I feel ridiculous.
Because I was never told I have PTSD, I just keep blowing my life up at intervals. All of my crisis occurs in the parameters of relationships, of course, since that's where the original trauma occurred, and I got married last year and didn't know that my spouse and I BOTH have PTSD. It's like the gift that keeps on giving. Now, imagine two people, crazy in love, and crazy with PTSD and don't even know it, and then they get married and STRESS happens . . . It was like the PTSD version of Coachella for the past several months--we camped out in CHAOS. So, my (still undiagnosed at this point) PTSD cracked me wide open finally, and I had a major rage episode (which didn't go well . . . ) and I finally went to therapy because I need help. I can't talk about getting help. I can't "intellectualize" this depth of pain or confusion. I can't keep providing my own internet-based therapy for myself, you know?
So I got a therapist, and she was the WORST therapist ever--she just happened to be the first one to call me back off the list of referrals, you know? I saw her for 4 sessions and every session I went to made me feel like I wanted to swerve my car into a tree after I left. I was so MESSED UP afterward---she looked at me in the first session and decided that I was bi-polar. I was crushed. Bi-polar. Thanks. By the 4th session she told me I had borderline personality disorder. BPD. Thanks for that, too. I said to her, "I don't think you like me very much." Here I was, in the middle of a PTSD meltdown--I'd cut contact with my mother, I'd gone to jail, my marriage was broken, I was broken--and the best she could offer me was BPD and a 30 day ultimatum to quit self-medicating with marijuana or she wouldn't see me anymore. I called the next therapist on the list.
That therapist stopped the session after 45 minutes and told me that she couldn't work with me. She only offered a very vanilla kind of therapy, she said, (what does that even mean??), and I was more depressed than any client she had ever worked with (my first mental health achievement award), and I was violent (yeah, in my house with my wife and undiagnosed PTSD. Yes, I was), so she told me to find a different therapist. She kicked me out. I had just told her all of my shame about what had happened to land me in her office and 45 minutes in she tells me I am too much for her. I was broken. And angry.
I called the next two therapists on the list. One called back. She told me to email her my availability and I took the opportunity of an email to tell her hey, I don't want to waste your time, so here's what's going on with me. She wrote back "I'd be happy to work with you." So she scheduled me for the very next day, and I went, and she listened to me and she said "you have PTSD from your childhood trauma. Hasn't anyone ever told you that before?" I said no, nobody. I cried.
That weekend I had a major rage fight with my wife--remember, we both have PTSD and we are both on complete tangents and I have had ONE therapy session with someone who is even on the right track, so we had a huge blowout and I ended up at my sister's house with a duffel bag of clothes. Broken again. I emailed this new therapist and she talked me down and got me in for a session the very next day, and then saw me for my already-scheduled session two days later, and she held me over in my session because she'd had a cancellation after me, and she just gave me a double session without even telling me. She just helped me. She is amazing. And that's the problem.
I have had 3 sessions with her (4 if you count the double) and I am probably already feeling major transference right now. I feel terrible about it, and full of shame. I have never had a therapist HELP me, and I have never had somebody identify with the source of my pain and hurt and shame and fear so immediately and so empathically. She has freaked me out. She isn't pushy, she completely lets me establish my own pace for trust, but I already feel enmeshed--like I want to trust her with things and invest in her and I really think for the first time in my life I can HEAL. I can have someone deconstruct these layers of shame from abuse, and heal that brokenness and help me to remove my mother's face from the sun, and this is scaring me so very much. I feel ashamed to need her. I feel needy. I am living at my sister's and the only thing that is keeping me going is the fact that I'm seeing this new therapist twice a week and she lets me email her in the empty days when I am struggling to get through. I already count on her and I've seen her three sessions. I'm freaking out and obsessing and I don't know if this is normal.
If anyone has had these feelings so quickly, so suddenly, so intensely, I would like to know how you were able to function--to go from obsessing about the darkness of my pain to obsessing about the light of therapy is really messing with my head and all I want to do is self-medicate and be self-destructive, but I know that would disappoint my therapist and already I care enough about her not to disappoint her. I feel so lost right now. Unhinged, untethered and drifting. I know I'm supposed to trust in the process. I'm a control freak--I can't just trust in anything, and everything feels amplified--even the good things. This is the first time in my life I have ever said "I am in crisis" and I am--without trumping it up for attention. I am in crisis, and this therapist is helping me and it's too much for me. I already tried to quit therapy after our double-session on Thursday--I walked out of there feeling so good that I had to quit. I sent her an email that night--full of emotional turmoil and confused feelings--and I was probably all burned up with transference and I can't even deal with it. I don't know if I should tell her these things or not. Three sessions. I feel ridiculous.
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