New Therapy Sessions

[kris]

So I have been to two therapy sessions with a new psychologist, so far everything is going better than with the previous therapist. This one is taking things much much slower than the previous guy, which I am thankful for. It takes a great deal of effort for me to talk about any of the abuse that went on. This therapist also doesn't pressure me to answer a question if I don't have an answer for it. He doesn't just sit there and stare at me until I say something. If I say I don't know he takes it for what it is and moves on, he might come back with the question rephrased later in the converation, which is fine with me.

I really know I need to talk about the abuse that went on and how I felt and what I feel now, but for so long I have just pushed any and all feelings so far down I don't know how to express feelings. The only thing I feel is I am a zombie walking through the world in a slump and have no feelings. I am don't have feelings, well I know everyone has feelings, but I guess I don't know how to distinguish any of them. Happiness, sadness, or anything else is all the same to me.

The only feeling that I really have is anger, I get angry easily and blow up at people all the time (before I went on medication), and never in public just towards my family. With the antidepressants I feel even less, I have a "I don't care", type attitude when on them. They make me so mellow that nothing hardly at all bothers me, happy or sadwise. I use to be a person who when angry would wait until I was all alone, usually at night and cry myself to sleep over the things that made me upset through out the day, with the antidepressants, I no longer have that issue. So even If I had feelings throughout the day that made me feel anything, I have really never known how to express them.

I just feel kind of dumb in my therapy sessions because when the therapist asks me how that made me feel, or whatever else I can only answer "I don't know".

 

[kers]

Boy do I relate to the "dumb" feeling, and I've been working with my counselor for years! I have come to see "I don't know" as a signpost: when that's my answer, it means I need to look at what I'm avoiding. I have worked a lot with my counselor to find ways around "I don't know." Sometimes I say it because taking the risk of answering feels too threatening; he will ask me, "what *could* you be feeling? What do you imagine might be the answer?" Sometimes I just tell him to leave it alone and ten minutes later I feel comfortable enough to think of a real answer. Sometimes I clam up, shut down, and check out.

I think it's very typical of someone with PTSD, especially early in treatment, to be in the numbed out "no feelings" stage. When I first went, I had two feelings: fine and upset. I've since added a few, like scared, ashamed, hurt, and angry (which is still usually 'upset,' to be honest). It sounds like you are going through the process. Just learning how to do therapy with someone else can take time, and then you've got to find a groove, and then begin chipping away at all the layers that have you buried. It's a process. Being able to talk with your therapist and not feel overly pressured is a good sign, in my opinion. Keep at it!

 

[kris]

Thank you for the insight kers, the part about saying "I don't know" as a sign that I am avoiding something makes all to much sense to me. I guess I get that part and although it may mean that I need to look at what I am avoiding, how can a person avoid everything in there life. What I am saying I guess is I don't even have positive emotions that I feel, so how or why would I be avoiding those, when it would make me happy. I am not going against anything or denying what you say is true, but why would a person shut down positive emotions and not just the bad ones.

In therapy I guess I just don't think anything is getting accomplished when all I can say to important questions is "I don't know". Also just to ease into things and make me more comfortable the therapist asks about my everyday life, like what I like to do and such, even this is hard for me-pathetic I know. It shouldn't be so hard to talk to someone about what you like in life but for me it is. I have a very good relationship with my siblings, and mother and two aunts, and I am basically "anti-social" with them. I don't know how to carry on a normal conversation with anyone. From the very little I learned from the first psychologist I went to I guess this is in part to the fact that apparently when I started to be sexually abused, my intellect got "stuck" at the age the abuse started, which in my case is 9 yrs old. Has anyone else every heard of this? Would this explain my inability to carry on a normal conversation with someone?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Yes, it does.......We shut down, shut things out.....You were 9, the abuse was overwhelming for you, so you shut down, and only did what you had to do to survive, and even though the abuse is physically over, it's still very much still happening in your mind, through flashbacks..... You also are dealing with denial and avoidance, so you are still pretty much shut down.....Once you feel comfortable in therapy, you learn to trust a bit, and can start talking about your trauma, and feelings, things should ease a bit for you and you will slowly start to become sociable again.......Give yourself time, this is all pretty much new for you, and it takes time to undo all of the damage that has been done.....

 

[kers]

I don't even have positive emotions that I feel, so how or why would I be avoiding those, when it would make me happy.

This makes sense to me; one of the common effects of this disorder is being unable to experience loving or positive feelings, especially with others. Of course you have trouble feeling anything; feelings, to you, were very overwhelming at a young age. Our minds don't work as rationally as we'd like. If negative emotions are scary in our home, we extrapolate to see all emotions as scary. It's the same process that leads to a startle--maybe the trauma had a door slamming, but our brains generalize and get scared by all sudden loud noises. Does that make any sense?

It seems to me like you are putting a LOT of pressure on yourself to fix everything when you are just a few session in with this therapist. You expect a lot of yourself. What if you sit with "I don't know" for a while? It might take you some interesting places. Some of the most helpful sessions in my therapy have been me talking about not talking. Being in that stuck place, exploring that stuckness, can really help you sometimes. Just a thought.

 

[kris]

On a side note, I guess it kind of freaks me out, that my therapist knows almost what I am thinking with out me even saying it. It's like he can read my mind sometimes. I don't like that I can't put on my I am tough nothing bothers me and I am fine face, without him blowing my cover. He knows things aren't fine without me saying anything and I have only had 2 sessions so far! Although I don't like it I do see and understand that this is a good thing though, it is just going to take some time to break that attitude down.

It seems to me like you are putting a LOT of pressure on yourself to fix everything when you are just a few session in with this therapist. You expect a lot of yourself. What if you sit with "I don't know" for a while?

I guess I need to take it easier on myself and just go with the flow of the therapy sessions, but I am use to being hard on myself, everything I do has to be done perfectly and accurately the first time and as quickly as posible without any problems or interruptions. So to just say "I don't know", is hard for me to take, I want therapy to work and I want it to be done instantly and be cured NOW. That's how I have always done things in my life, it's a race to get to the end and get it over with. I suppose this comes from the fact that this is how I reacted to the abuse, after awhile instead of trying to fight my brother off, I finally just accepted it and let him do what he wanted just to get it over with as quickly as possible.

 

[gdf]

Hi kris,

Sounds like you're off to a good, although uncomfortable, start. I always found "I don't know" a frequent answer in therapy when posed with a question about my childhood issue in now-time adulthood. I couldn't articulate it without going back and feeling the feelings because back then I didn't have ways to describe events as I do now as an adult. I couldn't connect then to now; as you said we "get stuck" there intellectually. Maybe not so much get stuck but that memory/part of ourselves gets stuck and the rest of us moves forward in a wounded way.

When I couldn't express it in words that's when I would start drawing and all this emotion would pour out onto the page. It wasn't good art but it was good emotion. If you want to try it, charcoal pencils seemed to be the boldest expression or better yet just walk into an art section and pick out what feels right. Then you could take the picture in and say the answer to your question looks like this. It might be helpful and is something to ponder.

Gina

 

[kris]

I actually did try the drawing thing last night, although I didn't really draw, just writing different words and phrases that came to my head seemed to help. Instead of keeping those words and phrases rattling around in my head for me to ponder, putting them on paper seemed to help "get rid of them" so to speak.

 

[kers]

Good for you! Trying something new is a little scary, but it can be worth it when it helps.