General New To This And So Many Questions!!!

[wildflower]

Wow, I read the deal breaker question and the impact on relationships posted by Nicolette and I understand many things. In many ways my relationship with my partner was summed up in that post. Except, we have good days and bad days.

We started dating a year ago, and like many of the post on here....it was a great relationship. I thought I had found the one that I could honestly spend my life with. We would share things in our past, good and bad. I knew and felt I was loved deeply by this person. In late October, early November her father passed away, whom was an abuser in her life. This is where she began to change. I understood her emotions on this because my father was an abuser also and I lost him many years ago.

We continued on a great path or what seemed to be a great path of a relationship, until January. Christmas was totally great, she was stressed out with her job, we spent it with my family, but we got along so well. Starting in mid-January she began to verbally abuse me (forgave her, but told her it would never happen again and it hasn't, that is my deal breaker), I started walking on eggshells...(yes, read the book).

She told me in Feb. that she wasn't happy, but called me everyday and wanted to be "friends". She stated that she was emotionally numb, etc, etc... all of the things that I have read on here from PTSD sufferers. (yes, she is seeing a counselor) We spent more time as "friends", as we did partners. We got back together within 2 weeks, and things were still not the way they use to be, but going a little better. It was as if she was trying...she would tell me she loved me, spend some time with and do some of the things that we use to do. Which is another thing I am not understanding...if they enjoy an activity why do they give it up and blame it on us? I never stopped her from doing any of the things she enjoyed, I encourage it and she gets mad because I am pushing her.

Our time together has been really limited lately with work schedules, but I am on a vacation and I have seen her a total of 1 day the whole time. I love her and I am willing to stick this out, but if the emotional numbness never goes away, I don't know if I can stick it out. I read that many of the sufferers are not detached from their partners and that is who they go to for comfort. Why do some detach in different ways? I know she is scared of a commitment to a relationship, because she has been hurt by so many people she loves or loved. Why do they allow us to fall in love with them if they know they are like this in the first place? I know I am a better person having known her, we were friends for soooo many years before we entered into a relationship, but she never showed me the true colours of herself until the "love" word was there. Can someone explain to me what is going on, what I have ahead of me, what I should be doing besides living my life, too. Once again, sooo many questions and I am really not understanding all of this, but I am trying. By the way, she is on medication, admits she has a problem, will tell me now that she needs some time out time (due to my request), but will she ever be intimate again????

 

[fin]

I really want to encourage you to read as much as you can here. There is a WEALTH of information from sufferers and carers alike that you might find beneficial somehow to your situation. And I would like to encourage you to perhaps think about what it is you are looking for in the relationship with your friend. I would hope that you will perhaps be able to communicate some of your thoughts better perhaps, because while a lot of us here are PTSD -we are not your partner and cannot possibly know what it is that is going through their mind.

Yes we have PTSD or know and have knowledge of it from the other side, but we are all different people, and while somethings are similar, not everything is. I cannot imagine what it must be like for you, it must be difficult- I am wondering if you are able to communicate that to your partner- in a way that she can maybe understand without feeling perhaps pressured herself. I am also wondering if you can really understand it yourself also, because it is difficult to appreciate what it is like sometimes .

I am sorry I know you posted this in carers chat but I would ask you to think hard about writing they and us when they and us are reading this here. Perhaps if you-yourself can look better on you as a couple that might help some, because to me you sound a litle negative over your relationship. It is almost a little all or nothing going on in some way or some part of your thinking here. Is the intimacy the only thing that is bothering you?

Perhaps if you can look at this in a more positive light, a little we have a problem and want to try to work this through, I love my partner, I am having trouble understanding why she does not wish or seem to wish to do the things that she once enjoyed. Rather than,

.if they enjoy an activity why do they give it up and blame it on us? I never stopped her from doing any of the things she enjoyed, I encourage it and she gets mad because I am pushing her.

Have you asked yourself why she is mad, and have you asked yourself why she unable to express to you why she is mad? Perhaps she could benefit from this forum also.

I would encourage you to read others here and really try to understand what it is like to take on someone that is PTSD. And also what it is like to some extent to have pTSD, to know how agonising it can be sometimes.

You are reading very conflicted to me, I am sorry to say this and maybe I am dismissing something I dont know, just feels quite detached. Are you thinking that the PTSD will go away and that she can get it all together? Because unless she is positively supported, she may not learn to manage it better at all, and it can worsen unmanaged.

And I would like to add that "pushing" her does not always mean "pushing" her- it sometimes means stepping back and letting her find her way some herself, because she will know when she has or needs to withdraw. She has feelings and emotions that maybe she does not understand at the moment, I would ask that you read and try to look at it perhaps from her point of view.

I know that is a difficult and tall order, but empathy, understanding, commitment and consistency amongst other things will help in your situation. And I am not saying you dont have any of these things going for you, I am just wondering if you are able to think and work them through better yourself, because maybe she feels very pessured.

And it does happen that it can get worse, it is a reality with PTSD left unmanaged. Can you cope with this? please read everything you can here. Asking questions is good too , but I think you have to try to get a better understanding of how it is perhaps. And I would hope that by reading you will maybe "get" some of it better.

You still have to do what is best for you, please dont be blaming her when she is trying to take steps to move forward in her healing- because that would not feel supportive to me. If you are not able to satisfy your emotional needs in this relationship; I would ask you to think about what it is you are looking for in it for yourself, because at some point if you are down on how much it affects you , you may well miss her in the whole equation.

Perhaps you could just be friends for a while and see what develops better. I would encourage you to think long and hard about what pressure you are putting on someone that already feels pressured. She has said she wants to be friends I dont know what happened between you to step past that again. But she may well be feeling that numbness and be turning to you for comfort. I would not mess her around, I would seriously weigh up whther you can cope- because it can get worse and if you are struggling now over intimacy I wonder how you will be over something else added in on top of that.

This is not meant to sound as bad as it does, it is just what it is, my response as a pTSD sufferer reading your thread.

I hope it works out for you, and for your friend also.

Take care

 

[wildflower]

Fin, thank you and I did not take anything negatively. I came here to understand our relationship and how to support her. You were correct, I don't know what to think or feel about this. It is hard watching someone that I love, sit emotionless, when just a few months ago she was full of life. I don't understand how this can affect some and not others.

The intimacy is not the main issue. I would never push that subject on her, because there are many influences controlling that. When I mentioned intimacy, I was actually talking about the way she use to look at me or feel about herself. There are so many ways for someone to be intimate, in my definition.

Reading over my post, I did sound negative about our relationship. I am confused, scared, trying to gather every ounce of information I can regarding PTSD. The negativity is more towards myself because I don't know how to help. No matter how hard I try, I can not make her happy. (That is something I am working on) The "pushing" that I do, is for her to tell me when she needs to withdraw, so she will get what she needs. Through this forum, I have found that, that may not happen. I will have to take what she can give me, and feel blessed that she was able to share at that moment.

I get what I need out of our relationship, when she is not in her mode. She is one of the most sincere, loving, thoughtful, kindhearted and full of life persons, I know. She brings out qualities in me that were buried for years. She encourages me to follow my dreams and excel. However, this mode struck and like I said earlier..I did not know this person that sat before me. She was in my partner's body, had her voice and brain. But, did not have any of her mannerisms.

I am going to continue to read and educate myself on PTSD. She is worth it and our relationship is worth it. I can't say I won't make mistakes, but hopefully with the support group I have found in here, I will be able to grow and help bring her, here to grow as well.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Wildflower, she sounds scared, to me.

Either way it sounds like she is very fortunate to have your support, understanding and care.
Good luck to you, both.

 

[fin]

Wildflower I agree with you on the suject of intimacy, there are many different ways to be intimate ,but at the same time it may be that she just cant find that place in herself at the moment, to be as relaxed as she maybe has been before, this is the reality of pTSD. I am so sorry to say but it is.

You have written as though you care for her, I do believe you on that. I would realy strongly urge you to continue your learning because it will help you to understand her if you are to stay together. It will also help you to understand yourself also, in relation to her and what it is that she is maybe feeling. It is difficult and the choice you are making is not easy either way. Because she will be PTSD and there is n way getting around that.

I really do hope it works out for you, I really do. Take care and hopefully read more from you soon. Because it is encouraging to read of someone that is lovingly committed to another eprson, and that wasnt meant to sound as heavy as it did either -sorry for that.

Take care wildflower and hopefull, but read girl -groundwork-get that homework done too!!
all the best

~fin

 

[wildflower]

I am having to take this day by day! Her level of communication is getting better. I do not know where our relationship will take us, whether it be partners or just friends. But, I do know that I love her enough that I want her in my life no matter the "status". Our relationship did not happen over night, I am certain it will not end over night either.

I am going to read as much as possible regarding PTSD, to gain an understanding of how she might feel. Just in the last few days I have gained so much from this forum. I am everyday finding my strengths and coming to know who I am as a person and partner. Fortunately, I am totally ok with giving her the space she needs. I like having my own personal space as well.

Today was a much better day! She laughed and woke up laughing at my jokes. She even took the first steps in eliminating a source of stress in her life. I was so proud of her. (YES, I told her!!) She opened up the conversation line about her new choices and it was really nice. Even though I was not a part of the choice, just knowing that she was able to take that step was such a milestone! It was a victory, towards the right direction.

I keep reading that PTSD will never go away, but many live "normal" lives with it. How is this so?

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear wildflower, sounds to me like you were "very much a part of the choice" because I can only speak for myself but I think support, some understanding and kindness, and a vote of confidence over all is what helps build some strength and self-esteem and helps make possible the courage and clarity to make the "smaller" decisions.

For many years I lived what I thought was "symptom free" and thought that "this thing" was gone for good. Unfortunately I managed that mostly through avoidance and workaholism, although I never repeated in severity or frequency usually the bahaviours that were the worst, that followed my initial "trauma" for about 4 years. It took about 12 years to virtually eliminate those (very bad) coping techniques. I still struggle with them, sometimes.

I cannot give you the answer you need because I think I am still too "unwell", being honest, except to say enjoy and build on every good moment and day, and pretty soon it is very possible that those days become more frequent and the time between the bad ones longer and longer.

One thing I can say for certain is that is possible to learn something from the bad experiences so that (with a lot of work and vigilance) the next time can be less difficult to manage.

Great for you guys, anyway! Best wishes for each day.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hold up, hold up.

You talk about "walking on eggshells"...most of the eggshells books are about borderline personality disorder. Does your partner have borderline personality disorder as well? If so, then chances are half of the stuff you're saying has nothing to do with PTSD and everything to do with BPD.

 

[wildflower]

She is NOT BPD. I am in the education field and deal with difficult children, so I have read the book. Usually when anyone says the phrase,"walking on eggshells", the very first thing out of their mouth is about the book. I was just heading it off before it came up. She is a PTSD sufferer. After being on the forum and reading the post for the past few days, I am coming to have a new understanding with the children I teach and myself,as a person. I teach in the inner-city school district and that is all I have ever taught, from day one of my career. I am beginning to think that working with the kids is the only reason I have never shown signs! Each day on the news there is someone from the community that has been shot, stabbed, arrested, raped, etc. The kids see these things, know the people, witnessed the event and/or they are the victim of the crime. I thought that it was just depression that was making me withdraw from everything outside of my house. Is this possible for someone to come on here as a carer and question themself? Really confused, now! However, my partner had a great morning again with laughter and last night was more forward movement with decisions. She is making some giant leaps and bounds lately, with her life and the paths that she has been taking have been in her control. This seems to be a positive thing for her and just to hear her laugh, again has been refreshing.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear wildflower, I hope you can cut yourself some slack, too. You need to take care of yourself, that is the best thing that you can do for you both.

i think both people have to take it one day at a time, and there are always new twists and turns to negotiate and learn (as any time in life).

I am certainly not an appropriate authority in regards to making a professional clinical assessment, but I know that in working with clients with BPD, and one currently with PTSD (as well as what I have lived), all I know is that it is vastly different. There may seem to be similarities on paper but in person it has been my experience that it is incredibly different.

I just hope you both get lots more laughs, what a healing tool that is!