New Year...

[Upside Down Eagle]

End of the year is approaching.

I'm at home listening to Katatonia and figuring out how I feel exactly about this date. I've been feeling awkward, because all my friends were posting this happy-fun stuff about love and forgiveness and other stuff that's supossed to matter around this time. But I don't feel any of that. That's why I worked up the courage to post this on my wall instead:

While out there in the world people are celebrating the end of a year, and the start of a new one, I stand on the deck of my ship, battered and ragged by waking nightmares, struggle, and grief. The past has been coming closer and closer these last years, and has me cornered at last. Hello Beastie. Aren't you ugly from up close...

I reckoned there might be more people around here who feel like this, so I wanted to share it with you. Even if you chose to stay home alone like me, or maybe chose to be with people that you care for and like having for company, I'm sending you tons of courage and good luck for your confrontations with Beastie.

 

[Mayday]

New years eve has been and gone in my part of the world. I stayed home alone and went to bed early. Glad it's over. Hope the rest of you make it through too.

 

[Echo]

Hi Radise, I'm at home on my own, too. Feeling a bit bruised about it, but it's my first year of CPTSD and I certainly haven't been able take part in any family stuff this Christmas - just talking to my parents on the phone gives me the shakes and flashbacks. A friend came to stay with me in mid-December and I hosted a little party to say "thanks" to all those people who have helped me survive this year. I had hoped I would have been with one of them for New Year, but unfortunately I've not heard from anyone. I'm not a misery to be around and am not good at voicing what I need, but I guess they all want to let their hair down. I do feel a bit left out, though I don't really blame anyone else. Everyone always thinks I'm strong and I haven't got to the stage of being very congruent yet, according to my therapist.

What are you doing to make things nice for you? I've lit lots of candles and will listen to some relaxing music (I find Tibetan singing bowls and binural beats/music very helpful). I've got something nice to eat in the fridge and some sparkling stuff. It won't stop me feeling very sad and frustrated, but, rather than sit and watch other people whooping it up on the TV, I am trying to think of things to do that I'll enjoy instead. I've tried the phoning people who are worse off than me thing, which was lovely, but I could use a nice message from a friend. I sent Christmas messages to many of them, but most haven't replied, so don't want to pester people. Aside from Johnny Depp, what've you got on your side?

 

[Britt.f7]

This last year has been difficult. I wish for the new year to be less difficult. Not sure as how I will manage it but I will somehow. We have a quiet evening at home planned, with a little brie and champagne. The boys will get a take out meal of their choice. That will make everyone happy.

I start my new year with several routine doctor's appointments and testing. I hope that is not a sign of the new year to come!

Happy New Year to all!

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Well normally I go out so it's kind of weird. In previous years I used to go to wild parties that continued in the morning and take drugs but this year I chose not to. For one thing, I've learned that I better not run away from my troubles this time. Also I have a theraphy session on Januari the second and I was urged to stay sober. Can do that.

I considered staying with my family, but I think I'd be jumpy and touchy, also I'd have to face the ordeal of public transportation, and then the issue of not being able to bat an eye away from home, and having to return here without having slept. Seems a lot to go through just for New Year. I'd rather face the Kraken. I'm sorry you haven't heard from your friends though...

Between the episodes of fighting off intrusive images, which are daily, I'm watching the Hobbit I. I watched the sequel last week and I had forgotten all about the first one so I decided to download it. I drummed for a little while, and also had some nice food left over from yesterday, although tomorrow I'll have to munch on dry rice because I refused to go to the market today :P

Maybe at twelve 'o clock I'll bike to the town and see the fireworks. It's going to be too much noise here to concentrate anything anyway, and I've always liked watching them. They truly do feel like a "goodbye" and I would like this opportunity to say goodbye to all the grief I've been experiencing this year. Then I'll bike back again and just resume my good old normal night.

Despite the circumstances, I actually feel allright, right now. I remember all the times that I went out of my mind at the dancefloor, inaugurating the new year and it makes me smile. Those moments, I didn't give a sh**. I didn't feel a worry, I just let it all go for a while. And I think I'll try to do that now too. Enter the year like I'd greet the Kraken. Defiantly!