Sufferer Newbie

[lostchild]

Hello. I found you guys a while back and finally decided to join up so i would have some sort of support other than my fiance. I mean she's great, very understanding and compassionate, she has suffered from PTSD for a while now having lost her daughter and her husband in separate car accidents and almost dying herself 3 1/2 years ago. But this is about me for the origins of my PTSD goes back over 60 years. i'm 64 now. Parental neglect, distant mother, alcoholic father, sexual abuse, bullying in school and being gang raped in jail when i was 18. I remember growing up in fear of everything and everybody. It wasn't until i started taking drugs in high school that i started to feel "normal". For me living my life was all about survival. Day to day, hour to hour and sometimes minute to minute. Spent the time from being a young man to where i am today self medicating with drugs alcohol and sex. Especially sex. There's a lot inbetween where the details don't really matter all that much, except for one. Allowing God into my life when i was 37. But that was where my life really went out of control. Wasn't God's fault, but i do lay a lot of the blame with His church. I just had to learn the hard way that the Church of Jesus Christ wasn't a very safe place. I mean it was supposed to be and i have met a handful of believers over the last 27 years who loved me where i was at or at least tried to. But i don't want to blame anybody for the way i am. I mean i could, but what good would that do me at this point. I have learned to forgive over the years and own my own stuff. I got involved in recovery meetings 20 years ago, and did well at first but i always felt something was missing. I couldn't get past the depression and anxiety and my addictions. No matter how hard i did the steps. The hardest part was getting close to other men. Women were and still are much more safe for me. Did the counseling route. Was diagnosed as being bipolar with major depression but i just didn't fit the bipolar mode. Depressed, oh yeah. Then there was Borderline Persoanlity Disorder, but that wasn't quite it either, although i do believe i do have some of the characteristics of a borderline. Then last year in therapy it finally became clear as a bell. I have PTSD. In fact i believe i'm a classic case because of all my childhood trauma. Hyper vigilant. My thought life and dreams especially are always filled with fear. I believe my PTSD is getting worse. I'm starting to have mini-panic attacks and can't sleep witout medication. I've tried just about every medication out there for both depression and anxiety over the years but nothing has ever worked. Seroquil helps me sleep. I wanna try EMDR, but i can't afford the sessions right now. I'm hopeful but terrified at the same time. Except for my fiance, i'm totally isolated. No church, that's a huge trigger. No recovery meetings for the same reason. The only reason i am doing as well as i am is because of my relationship with the Lord. God has been faithful to show me how much he loves me. I know, but i seldom feel it. In fact to this day i am not all that comfortable with Him loving me. I know it in my head but not so much in my heart. That's about it. I'm here at this forum just to have an outlet. Also maybe i can bless someone here with my experience, strength and hope. Thanks, steven

 

[intothelight]

Hi Steven and welcome to the forum!

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing. One of the best things about this forum is that you are among people who really do understand.

 

[BlueDream]

Welcome!!

 

[Kailani]

Boy you are speaking my language! Hope you enjoy all the resources here. I had great experiences with church as a child; a little harder as an adult. I've learned to love God irregardless of church. I struggled with feeling that he loves me too- cuz of life. This is a good place to feel and give support. Maybe you could talk to a resource in your town or a hospital social worker who might know of programs or ways to fund your therapy needs.