No Desires. Therapy Ruining Me.

[Ohijuv]

I think I must have dysthymia because I have no interest in anything now. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I want to give up. I'm tired. I have been reading obsessively about death and I wish I wasn't but if I don't I'll turn to self harm. I don't think I'll ever get better. I'm so ashamed. I wish I had the drive that others seem to have, I pretend I'm fine so they don't worry. I don't really think I belong in the land of the living anymore. Really I just want everyone to leave me alone. I am a waste of space. I can't quite believe I've reached this point, it doesn't feel real. I don't even know why I'm typing this. No one has ever helped me. Therapist's won't see me if I tell them my real thoughts. I have been let down by everyone. I should never have been born. I am even having horrible thoughts of hurting myself and other people. The thoughts are really upsetting me, I would not act on hurting others. I lock myself away, this is not a life. It's a prison without bars. I thought I was doing ok. But then I try therapy again and it ruins me. I am a loser. I don't belong in the world. I don't understand why I was born. It was pointless. I guess I'll stop now. I just keep sleeping because I don't know what else to do.

 

[Uho]

Ohijuv, you are hearing the things you say to yourself that keep you in a bad state. That's the first step - hearing what you tell yourself all the time. You are not a waste of space! Those voices within us are the biggest thing to overcome - for all of us. You have to begin to understand that they don't speak the truth
That critical voice inside came first to protect you. You were probably subjected to such non acceptance by others and that voice stops you risking more rejection. More criticism.
But there comes a time when you have to challenge it as it's not helping you any more . If your therapist is t helping you with that. You need a new therapust
In my own journey I have come to see that it's me who has to believe in me - nobody else!
This is your life not anyone else's. Whatever brings you joy, do it. You'll find out who you really are is nothing like what that critical voice is telling you.