Relationship No intimacy

[Deleted member 44030]

Hi,

My husband has childhood trauma which makes it impossible for him to be intimate with me. He can get triggered by cuddling, stroking, touching, undressing eachother etc.

All the things that feel so natural and exciting to me, feel terrible to him.

We rarely have sex, but when we do, it's quite mechanical, he's in a hurry, no tenderness.

We tried porn together for a while, but lately he has started isolating/watching it alone again everyday and has no interest in watching together anymore.

I really feel I have no intimate connection with him anymore.

Does anyone relate?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Has it always been like this in your relationship?

 

[Mach123]

Yes, I relate, I'm the one with the condition though and have always been hypersexual? That puts the shoe sort of on the other foot. Intimacy is the ultimate challenge. My cPTSD is from CSA. We are here, we all go through it somehow or other. Can you guys go to therapy? Have you tried anything besides what you mentioned? Is he ready to try and get help? So sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Deleted member 44030]

Has it always been like this in your relationship?

Hi Sweetpea76,

In the beginning there was more sex(no tenderness, that has never been). He started shutting me out as soon as we got serious.

After that he would only be interested if I introduced some sort of novelty. Which I eventually ran out of. I started resenting him for rejecting me.

Now I don't even feel like trying anymore. I definitely don't want him to do it out of pity or because he feels obligated.

 

[Deleted member 44030]

Yes, I relate, I'm the one with the condition though and have always been hypersexual? That puts the s...

hi Mach123,

No, he won't get treatment. Allthough he is aware of his ptsd. He just wants me and the world around him to stop bothering him and leave him alone. But not too alone. Just alienating me enough to keep me far away but still attached.

 

[Mach123]

Well, I can't be much help but I did a lot of horrible stuff like this to my wife (and everybody else but the people close to me suffered most.) Not knowing the situation, and not being a therapist, I can only speculate or give you my opinion, which is as good as about nothing except I lived the whole thing. When I was behaving like that I was trying to make her prove she loved me which she did. I don't think anyone else should do it though because I was mentally ill. I don't think the DSM says that PTSD is a mental illness, I don't remember, but if I wasn't, I don't know who was. So, he needs help and so do you. You can't do anything about him sadly. You can do something about you. It's not going to be easy, no matter what happens, so you are going to need to take a real hard look at yourself and your marriage and decide if you are really committed to this. You've reached out. You are speaking with me and anyone else here, so you have made an effort and congratulations. You don't have to be alone with this and you shouldn't. There is plenty to read and plenty of supporters and those of us who have it who can share with you. I don't advise trying to go it alone. I'm glad you are here with us.

 

[somerandomguy]

I shut down sexually for a long time, too - I didn't have any idea it was a symptom of my PTSD and seriously damaged my marriage.

If he's not willing to get treatment of any kind, there's literally nothing you can do and you're going to have to make some difficult choices in the future.

 

[Deleted member 44030]

Well, I can't be much help but I did a lot of horrible stuff like this to my wife (and everybody else b...

Thanks for your reply:) When you say: " to make her prove that she loves me" Is it about unconditional love? Or about beeing in control? Did you feel bad about it?

 

[Deleted member 44030]

I shut down sexually for a long time, too - I didn't have any idea it was a symptom of my PTSD and...

Hi:) Did you shut down because you got triggered by the intimacy? Or was it something else?

 

[somerandomguy]

Did you shut down because you got triggered by the intimacy?

Yes, I think so.

 

[grit]

Unfortunately a marriage is a ship that two people must drive to shore! and with one captain, capsizing is a real possibility.

 

[Mytime]

It’s is very hard when one person wants intimacy and the other can’t give it. You do feel rejected and afraid to talk to others. It’s seems the feed back is,” He must be seeing someone else, or your just living in a glorified friendship. Then there the big one, “ there’s more to a relationship than just sex, it only about 2% of a relationship. But it’s not so much the act, it’s that emotional connection, it’s the looks and flirting that’s attached to it. It’s knowing someone looks at you look, your connected and share something with that person you don’t share with anyone else. Makes you feel sexy, desired, wanted. These are things you can’t get from other people.
As much as we don’t want it to be true, it does affect your self esteem. Maybe not all people, but most.