Non Combat PTSD Army Medic

[Medic]

Hi all.

I come here for support - it's the first time I've actually reached out, but the level of anxiety and frustration is getting unbearable.

I was a Combat Medic in the military. Upon getting out during the mandatory psych evaluation at the VA hospital (I'm a disabled Veteran) I was found to have Acute Stress Disorder.

Since then it's manifested itself into PTSD.

I'm married, with a 10 year old son - I love them both with all my heart. But I often find myself laying in my bed, in pain because of my disabilities, and cutting myself off from everyone else.

I quit my medication regiment for about the past 9 months to see if I could cope on my own. On Friday I returned to the VA and was told there is a support group for non combat related PTSD.

I never attended meetings for PTSD in the past - because I thought the only ones offered through the VA were combat related, and did not want to seem over zealous to those who have likely suffered a lot worse than I have.

My wife - for the most part - understands that I have conditions, but it's been coming to a boiling point lately. I am currently a full time college student, and spent most of today in my room studying (I spend most of my day's in bed either studying or staring at a TV.).

I came out to make dinner, got the cold shoulder. My wife has been behind in her studies and I feel like it's my fault because I'm not there for her - but I isolate myself without even realizing I do it! Of all the silly things, we had a fight over who was going to wash the dog - I wanted her to study and do it. When I got out of the bathroom from washing the dog she was gone.

This is the first time she's ran out. I wish I could control my emotional state better - I need to know it will get better. I considered taking all of my xanax and just ending it tonight - this is the first time I've ever had thoughts like that.

I feel trapped - and need some advice from those who have been there. I start meetings next Friday with a Social Worker for non combat PTSD groups - but right now I feel so terrible.

 

[Medic]

After reading through some of the posts I feel a bit better, and feel I should elaborate a bit myself.

In the military I was sent to Ft. Sill for Basic Training. In week 2 I shattered my left heel, but was encouraged to keep going on it.

After a lot of pain I graduated from Basic and moved on to Ft. Sam Houston.

Despite passing all classes with flying colors at Ft. Sam Houston - I was found to have a stress fracture in my hip bone from displacing all my weight to one side in basic training. Within an hour I was in surgery getting it pinned - ending my military career.

Due to not being assigned to any specific unit, I was put onto 1 month of convalescent leave then returned to the same unit I was in training with. This is where a lot of stressful complications began. I was forced to perform the same physical tasks as regular soldiers, despite my surgical injuries.

I endured a lot of emotional bigotry from Drill SGT's for the next 6 months as I awaited my medical discharge. What actually caused my PTSD came towards the end of my stay in the military.

During Christmas there is a process known as exodus - in which all training soldiers were allowed to return home for 2 weeks to visit with family and friends. I had roughly 3 weeks left in the military, and opted to stay back on base so I could collect the extra money from accrued leave. What I was not told is that all soldiers facing UCMJ (court marshall) were not allowed to leave for exodus either. I was lumped into a company with about 300 soldiers facing UCMJ - I think there were 4 or 5 of us that had simply decided not to return home.

This time was insanely horrible - soldiers were shooting heroin in the bay, rampant drug use, rape in the showers - the First SGT. in charge of the company had zero control, and seemed to be content to turn a blind eye to everything going on. We had one Drill SGT. and one First SGT. to watch over 300+ soldiers.

I was beaten for my pain medications, and for no reason - repeatedly. For fear of further retaliation in the bay I did not report any incident with the First SGT.

My first battle buddy from Ft. Sill happened to return to base from a stint in the brigg during exodus and ended up watching over me. (I was in no condition to defend myself with the way my hip was, and the level of pain.). It was a relief to say the least, but a few nights later he attempted suicide. Since we were all Combat Medics we had access to catheters, and he had put one in each femoral neck and one in each arm to try and bleed out. I was the one who found him in the bathroom, squirting blood, very pale.

There is a lot more to the process, but that sums up the gist of it.

I now find myself totally disconnected from society. I want nothing to do with people. I love my wife and my son very much - if it weren't for them I would have long ago ended my life. I spend all of my time in a room, isolated. Devoid of feelings. I cry for no reason, over stuff that seems silly (I watched a Disney movie yesterday and burst into tears). I am a complete and total mess! I don't know how my wife has stuck with me this long, and I am just now seeking therapy.

I have sought therapy in the past - but was never notified that the best way to cope with PTSD was to find a support group. Basically I was given some medication and sent on my merry way. My life has been a wreck - I can't keep a job, I have trouble even finding work, keeping myself presentable is a challenge. I'm really, REALLY hoping that I can find a light at the end of the tunnel with this new support group I'm starting, and I'm also hoping some one on here can offer some advice to clarify what the hell is happening to me.

I've also always felt that the incident to cause my PTSD seemed frivilous when compared to the war stories I hear while in the VA Hospital...I just feel useless, worthless, like a chicken...

 

[anni]

Hi,

I really wish to say I'm glad you're here. The isolation and guilt are just dreadul, among other things. It was extremely positive of you to have gone through some of the threads and read things, and come back to post more.

To help with the guilt, first please do know that LOTS of 'us' have that 'thing' you speak of, where we do not 'deserve' the PTSD because other's traumas seem so much worse than we perceive ours to be. I have to say that for one thing yours sounds just awful, and of course you are now suffering the effects of something no human should have had to go through. For another, degree of trauma and pain is so much more than subjective after a certain point where your brain functions have been rewired through damage. You have PTSD, have been diagnosed and now require healing. Noone 'deserves' PTSD or of course the traumas which caused it and certainly you did not! You do deserve validation of your pain, and now deserve the healing you seek.

Please do try to keep coming here is you can. It is a very good place because not only is there plain old support, but it is very professionally run. It has a lot of medical and psychological information, and links to various other helpful places from which to find information. You sound like such a good, kind person who loves his family and SO much wishes to heal. Along with having a good therapist who will help you heal over time ( and make sure your medication is correct ) it is in my experience a very valuable thing to have this sort of resource to help in the PTSD journey.

Please take care- there really is hope!

Anni

 

[amethist]

Hi Medic

Welcome to the forum.

You will find loads of support, help, advice, information and a lot of laughs if you are up to those too. You will see you are not alone with this at all.

Try and read some of the information pages of how to help yourself keep going until next Friday.

Maybe your wife could have a look at the carers section, we are a great bunch of carers and will support her if she needs it, she will need it but it is up to her to decide. The offer is there any time.

Oh and you are not worthless or a chicken, in fact anyone who has ptsd and reaches out for help is stronger than they realise.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist

 

[Medic]

Thank you for the replies all. I'm doing a lot better this morning. :)

 

[jo74]

Medic

Hello and welcome. You've been through so much. Glad you're here and hope you find the support you need, and maybe some answers.

jo