Not Living Much

[Chava]

I had to drop a big goal because it was unrealistic (physically, and I also can't afford it...don't even want to talk about it because it's a non issue now). But it was a sort of hopeful thing out there, or new adventure. I could find a new one, more realistic, I suppose. But I'm just back to emptiness and not wanting to even leave the house. I will walk my dog, I swear. But my life just feels like a waste and I'm sick of this...I know it's all stuff I can keep working on internally (like I should be more okay with the present, how it is, but I still need something to look forward to, and it feels like I need that more than most people because I just kind of wilt and want to crawl into a ball of nothingness without that "thing" I can chase.

Not sure what the f*ck I'm looking for here. Just where I'm at. Many times in recent years I've had to give up stuff because of pain or trying to think realistically. And it feels like I'm not really even living. All I do is work and rest. And when I feel like a loser or am in pain, that's all I care to manage (so that's almost every day). I was trying to get out of "survival mode" and create some new goals...and in my head I think I figured I could also just be done with chronic pain. I'm having all kinds of issues in this post. Sorry, that's enough.

 

[Ronin]

Hey Chava,

Is there any way to make that big goal a composite goal / something heading in the same direction that IS affordable and doable, no matter what, getting started on that, instead? As in a 'I'm still heading there, or at least in that way, just because I can't bite it now doesn't mean I'll stop biting'?

& what was the feeling that moved nothingness, is it tied to that specific goal, or is it something you could drag to your life by doing something else?

 

[Chava]

Is there any way to make that big goal a composite goal / something heading in the same direction that IS affordable and doable, no matter what, getting started on that, instead? As in a 'I'm still heading there, or at least in that way, just because I can't bite it now doesn't mean I'll stop biting'

This is a very good point, thank you. Yes, I could break this down. I'm realizing a lot of all-or-nothing right now. And so...nothing...is where I've gone. And feeling like nothing is realistic for me. So I wonder if the "goal" was even the most important thing or having that way to live in my head and plan for it. But also, it was quite concrete, like there was a deposit involved. Doing the smaller goals more on my own, day to day, feels more ambiguous and more easily meaningless. I don't know how to structure my goals and now I'm not sure what the f*ck they were anyway.

The nothingness is just always filled by inner plans and distractions, if not over-working (can't physically do that so much anymore, but stick to a more normal work week). Like I'm always scheming and really too much living in my head.

 

[Ronin]

And feeling like nothing is realistic for me.

Nothing is a lot of free space ;)

 

[ladee]

I appreciate that you see this as 'all or nothing' thinking. I too have chronic pain. I am almost destitute, and yet, had to make some money today. Did I 'feel' like it.. NO, did I 'want' to, NO, but I did it anyway... at one point the pain was getting in the way. So I stopped, ok brain, how can we make this doable.... so on the spot made up a zenthing for it... do it in a zen way.... just what is right in front of you... that's all you have to do. That's it... Three hours later I was finished and amazed at how I didn't pay attention to the time, my pain was there but not telling me what I could and could not do.... If I can stay in this minute.... which I struggle with every day... I like me so much more... sending hugs @Chava, I truly understand where you are, and you are not alone.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't know how to structure my goals and now I'm not sure what the f*ck they were anyway.

Wishcraft, by Barbara Sher.

It's definitely not written with survivors of developmental trauma in mind, so you'd need to skip over some parts that don't fit. But in terms of how to structure your goals, she's the best. It's an entertaining and helpful book even if you do need to skip around in it.

 

[Chava]

Nothing is a lot of free space

Yes, I appreciate that aspect. :) Just don't know how to manage somewhere between nothing (like not even cleaning the floors, just barely existing sometimes) and TOO MUCH. :banghead:

 

[Ronin]

Small steps, small goals, meeting them regularly?

 

[Chava]

Yes @Cashew ...it's weird how disorganized I feel, considering how I used to be able to forge ahead in some areas. Very scattered. Part of the issue is refining the goals and just slowing down enough to follow through on some things. At least I'm seeing how this all goes for me...just not really sure how to get out without feeling like I'm suddenly burdening myself with new expectations (I need something, just not too much, and nothing on some days...and then how to sustain the meaningfulness which is always fleeting with stuff these days, anything I do.. :confused::meh::dead:)

 

[Ronin]

and then how to sustain the meaningfulness

And what does letting it go do?
I mean, pauses are simply that, pauses, so what's dear can return and be felt more fully when it does?

 

[ladee]

Just because we put it on the list doesn't mean we have to do it. We may have to taper the list a little at times. If I can't do it now, doesn't mean I will never do it. Just means other things are priority. Be easier with yourself @Chava.:hug: