Not Really Here

[amy]

AARRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I hate this, I hate everything about me and how weak I am. I hate that I have to smile, I have to pretend ..... for I have been 2 daughters I am so afraid of losing them. but ROOAARRRR ... the monster inside me is screaming so god damn loudly. WHY DID I WAIT 34 YEARS TO TELL SOMEONE? and now I have, WHY AM I LEFT ALONE? I wish I had no responsibilities ........ I WISH .................. god, please send me someone, anyone ..... to help catch me. I am so scared all the time.

 

[ProductOfSociety]

Don't let the beast inside of you get the best of you. I remember my first time coming out about my past, it was 10 years after everything had happened and it was never such an issue before until I shared it with someone. Just try and stay strong, for you and for your daughters. Don't beat yourself up. I know it's really tough sometimes, but sometimes you just have to take charge and continue on with life. I feel very alone sometimes too, but remember, you aren't alone if you have your daughters. I am sure there are a few others that are there to support you as well that you may not be fully aware of.
In any case, I hope it gets better for you. Don't let it beat you up. If you ever just need someone to talk to you can message me. <3

 

[amy]

I am alone with what is inside of me. My daughters have no idea, they only see the fake me. My therapy ended . No-one, knows ....... not a soul, and I am glad. I fear being sectioned and loosing my children. I had a breakdown 2 years ago, my ex took our youngest and rang me in hospital after 1 day of me being there, and told me i would never see her again. I faked being well, to get out, go to court, get her home. Spent 2 and half years in and out of court proving that I am as normal and sane as the rest of the world ..... hiding the truth. I have to stay fake, I have to keep it hidden, this monster inside can not come out ... or else I loose my children. Back to court next week ... it never ever ends. How hard is it to hide PTSD ? ..... ROOAARRRR. Why cant just 1 person in reality, not just online, be accepting.

 

[ProductOfSociety]

You don't have to be fake. Your daughters mean a lot to you, yes? Are they at a good age to where they may be able to understand what you have been through. It's not a terrible idea to open up to those who are closest to you. It sounds as if you need some real emotional support. I don't think it's a good idea to keep the monster hidden. I did that for a very long time and it came out in bursts of unnecessary anger. I hated everything and everyone and I made sure the world knew it. It was not a good thing. If you can't talk to your daughters, try and talk to someone else. Try and go back into therapy. For things to get better you have to think in a positive way. You can't let the things that have or that are going wrong in your life bring you down.
I am trying to get better from PTSD as well. I am also not currently in therapy. Let's see what we can do to get better. Don't let it win. It's really important to be happy, for yoourself. But you have to work on it, it's not going to just happen.

 

[amy]

your right. I know. I will keep trying, maybe now I have found this site .... MAYBE it will be easier .... to support others and be supported all at the same time, to understand one another, to have 1 place where we can stop pretending ...... god I pray this is where a new beginning starts. Thankyou for replying to me. x

 

[ProductOfSociety]

No problem. I really do think this site will help you. It's nice to give support, it's even better to receive it when it's not something you are used to. It's not going to be an easy recovery, but I am really glad you have began the process. :]