There's a lot of background and events here to digest. I thank you in advance for reading and helping. :)
My combat vet and I first met in the summer of 2006. We briefly dated, and then fell out of romantic contact, being on opposite coasts and him preparing for his first deployment to Iraq. We kept in touch as friends over the years. We reconnected and he went to Afghanistan late last year.
During his deployment, I often worried if I was the "deployment girlfriend" - you know, the woman who waits for her soldier, the woman who keeps his mind off the ugly things there, distracts him, sends him things, keeps him company via email and phone. I expressed this concern to him at one point, and he was hurt that I'd feel that way, and assured me that wasn't the case. He was always the one bringing up our future - the first to declare his feelings, talk about my future ring, wearing his dress blues in a wedding, where we'd live, how many kids we'd have. Granted, part of me figured a lot of this was just fantasy talk, but he was the one who bringing it up. I asked him not to talk about these things unless he was serious, and he continued. He talked about how great his homecoming would be, and how special and magical our holidays would be together. It felt...amazing.
A couple months into the deployment, his mood changed dramatically. One time in particular had me really concerned about his emotional well-being and his physical safety - he told me he was down on life, and scared of living, and was going to take an un-armored walk around the runway (which was very dangerous to do). The next day, he went to combat stress at his FOB and obtained some anxiety and sleeping medication, and I observed (obviously from a distance) an improvement in his mood. He seemed "normal." While there, he lost 40 pounds from eating better and excessive exercise.
About half-way through his deployment, he went on R&R with his BFF to Australia. Upon his return, I noticed a marked difference in how he interacted with me, so much that I thought he may have cheated or that his BFF had influenced him in a negative way about our relationship. Gone were the pet names, very little discussion of our future. He seemed more irritable. He began expressing concern about what he was going to do when he got back, as he'd be out of the Army and without a job. He was anxious, and uncertain.
He came back, and our first week together was a true honeymoon. It was awkward, but I was blissfully happy... in part because there was a lot of fun and laughter between us, and also because he immediately introduced me to his mother, and he took me to look at rings. I didn't expect a proposal any time soon, but it meant a lot to me that he'd even take me into a jewelry store. To me, it meant he was truly serious about a future with me.
A few days after he was back, he said that he'd been flagged for PTSD and alcohol/chemical dependency at demob, and that he was so upset with their assessments (because he believes they're wrong), that he got up and walked out. Over the next few weeks, I started observing actual physical manifestations of PTSD. I can actually see him having flashbacks, negative thoughts, nightmares, and discomfort in crowds. He'd often say, "I feel like a shell of my former self" and "I don't know what's wrong with me." He'd literally JUST got back, and he'd gone from a firefight they day before he left, to shopping at a pristine mall in a fancy area the day after. I pointed out that everything would be an adjustment, that he needed to be kind and patient with himself, that it wasn't going to feel "normal" right away.
Last week, the anniversary of a tragic event from his first deployment where he lost a good friend during a mission seemed to prompt him to open up and share some more things that explain his distancing, both about his past, his deployment experience, and how he views the world and the pain he feels. He's since repeated some of these thoughts, and has also briefly touched upon some unresolved relaitonship issues. Each time, he's cried, once uncontrollably. He said he lost himself pretty quickly in Afghanistan, and never really got himself back. He fears he's going to hell for the things he's done in his life and at war. He sees the world as an ugly place, full of negativity and doom. He said that he was afraid to go on R&R because he so badly wanted to experience joy and see beauty, and was afraid that he wouldn't experience those tihngs, and if he didn't, he was scared about what that would mean. He wound up spending the entire trip drugged up on sleeping pills or drunk. Since his return, he's found little joy in the things that he used to live for, like particular hobbies.
After sharing these things with me, he said he feels vulnerable, and yet also trusts me more now.
He's currently unemployed. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be for him, outside of PTSD. He returns from war, gets out of the military, and is left without a job. He went from being an officer in charge of dangerous, important missions, to hanging out on the couch with little to do. He lives at home with his mother. He's looking for a job that fits his skill set (which is expansive!) and desires; as I understand it, most of these jobs will require him to leave California (where we are) on a long-term basis within 2-6 months from now. I have told him that I am not married to California, and that I am open to following him whereever he goes.
I have also told him how much I love him, and that he'll always have a home in my heart, no matter what. That I'll always be here for him. (He has said things in the past, presumably about past girlfriends, that when people get to know the real him, they leave him, and that he's fearful of me growing to resent him. Other things he's told me, like warning me that he might not be able to be affectionate upon his return, suggest that he's gone through similiar feelings/PTSD issues post-Iraq, although he denies it and says it's only been with Afgh that he's had these problems.)
I also passed along some information about a private non-profit that provides completely free and confidential counseling and psychiatry services to vets of OIF/OEF (he's been particularly concerned about confidentiality). He promptly thanked me for it, but said he didn't think he needed help right now, but that he'd hang on to it in case he did.
Putting the two of the conversations where he opened up and cried together, he has said that I shouldn't want to marry him, that I shouldn't wait for him because I'm in my 30's and only have a few baby-making years left and he might not be better before it's too late, that he's leaving soon (for the yet-to-be determined job), that he's going to hell, that he needs to be alone to get better. He has said he needs me to be his friend again, not his lover. However, he also acknowledges that he's still very attracted to me (and he has no trouble performing), but doesn't think we should continue having sex because I will get attached. He continues texting, and calling. All relationship-talk, or sweetness, or verbal affection is completely gone. It's more generalized chit-chat.
Before, he looked at me with such adoring eyes, I could see how much he loved me. Now, when he looks at me, his eyes look as though they're searching for recognition of who I am, almost like he's unsure of me and who I am and what I think.
This past week, he was an outright jerk to me over the course of a couple days. So much so, and so out of character, that I thought, "Is he pushing me away?" I reached out to him to figure out what was going on, and he was non-responsive. I sent him a text telling him that I felt that he didn't even value me as a friend anymore. No response.
Yesterday, out of nowhere, he texted me and told me that he does value my friendship. In response, I told him that it was good to hear, because based on his behavior, I was wondering if we had any sort of relationship anymore - that I'd gone from thinking he wanted to marry me, to thinking he hated me and wanted me to leave him alone.
His response: "I know. I'm all over the place. I'm sorry."
I love this man with every fiber of my being. I've made it patently clear that I am "all in." But he's telling me and showing me that he doesn't want me to love him, that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Or is he? Is that PTSD talking? Or him?
I guess I just don't know what to do.
My combat vet and I first met in the summer of 2006. We briefly dated, and then fell out of romantic contact, being on opposite coasts and him preparing for his first deployment to Iraq. We kept in touch as friends over the years. We reconnected and he went to Afghanistan late last year.
During his deployment, I often worried if I was the "deployment girlfriend" - you know, the woman who waits for her soldier, the woman who keeps his mind off the ugly things there, distracts him, sends him things, keeps him company via email and phone. I expressed this concern to him at one point, and he was hurt that I'd feel that way, and assured me that wasn't the case. He was always the one bringing up our future - the first to declare his feelings, talk about my future ring, wearing his dress blues in a wedding, where we'd live, how many kids we'd have. Granted, part of me figured a lot of this was just fantasy talk, but he was the one who bringing it up. I asked him not to talk about these things unless he was serious, and he continued. He talked about how great his homecoming would be, and how special and magical our holidays would be together. It felt...amazing.
A couple months into the deployment, his mood changed dramatically. One time in particular had me really concerned about his emotional well-being and his physical safety - he told me he was down on life, and scared of living, and was going to take an un-armored walk around the runway (which was very dangerous to do). The next day, he went to combat stress at his FOB and obtained some anxiety and sleeping medication, and I observed (obviously from a distance) an improvement in his mood. He seemed "normal." While there, he lost 40 pounds from eating better and excessive exercise.
About half-way through his deployment, he went on R&R with his BFF to Australia. Upon his return, I noticed a marked difference in how he interacted with me, so much that I thought he may have cheated or that his BFF had influenced him in a negative way about our relationship. Gone were the pet names, very little discussion of our future. He seemed more irritable. He began expressing concern about what he was going to do when he got back, as he'd be out of the Army and without a job. He was anxious, and uncertain.
He came back, and our first week together was a true honeymoon. It was awkward, but I was blissfully happy... in part because there was a lot of fun and laughter between us, and also because he immediately introduced me to his mother, and he took me to look at rings. I didn't expect a proposal any time soon, but it meant a lot to me that he'd even take me into a jewelry store. To me, it meant he was truly serious about a future with me.
A few days after he was back, he said that he'd been flagged for PTSD and alcohol/chemical dependency at demob, and that he was so upset with their assessments (because he believes they're wrong), that he got up and walked out. Over the next few weeks, I started observing actual physical manifestations of PTSD. I can actually see him having flashbacks, negative thoughts, nightmares, and discomfort in crowds. He'd often say, "I feel like a shell of my former self" and "I don't know what's wrong with me." He'd literally JUST got back, and he'd gone from a firefight they day before he left, to shopping at a pristine mall in a fancy area the day after. I pointed out that everything would be an adjustment, that he needed to be kind and patient with himself, that it wasn't going to feel "normal" right away.
Last week, the anniversary of a tragic event from his first deployment where he lost a good friend during a mission seemed to prompt him to open up and share some more things that explain his distancing, both about his past, his deployment experience, and how he views the world and the pain he feels. He's since repeated some of these thoughts, and has also briefly touched upon some unresolved relaitonship issues. Each time, he's cried, once uncontrollably. He said he lost himself pretty quickly in Afghanistan, and never really got himself back. He fears he's going to hell for the things he's done in his life and at war. He sees the world as an ugly place, full of negativity and doom. He said that he was afraid to go on R&R because he so badly wanted to experience joy and see beauty, and was afraid that he wouldn't experience those tihngs, and if he didn't, he was scared about what that would mean. He wound up spending the entire trip drugged up on sleeping pills or drunk. Since his return, he's found little joy in the things that he used to live for, like particular hobbies.
After sharing these things with me, he said he feels vulnerable, and yet also trusts me more now.
He's currently unemployed. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be for him, outside of PTSD. He returns from war, gets out of the military, and is left without a job. He went from being an officer in charge of dangerous, important missions, to hanging out on the couch with little to do. He lives at home with his mother. He's looking for a job that fits his skill set (which is expansive!) and desires; as I understand it, most of these jobs will require him to leave California (where we are) on a long-term basis within 2-6 months from now. I have told him that I am not married to California, and that I am open to following him whereever he goes.
I have also told him how much I love him, and that he'll always have a home in my heart, no matter what. That I'll always be here for him. (He has said things in the past, presumably about past girlfriends, that when people get to know the real him, they leave him, and that he's fearful of me growing to resent him. Other things he's told me, like warning me that he might not be able to be affectionate upon his return, suggest that he's gone through similiar feelings/PTSD issues post-Iraq, although he denies it and says it's only been with Afgh that he's had these problems.)
I also passed along some information about a private non-profit that provides completely free and confidential counseling and psychiatry services to vets of OIF/OEF (he's been particularly concerned about confidentiality). He promptly thanked me for it, but said he didn't think he needed help right now, but that he'd hang on to it in case he did.
Putting the two of the conversations where he opened up and cried together, he has said that I shouldn't want to marry him, that I shouldn't wait for him because I'm in my 30's and only have a few baby-making years left and he might not be better before it's too late, that he's leaving soon (for the yet-to-be determined job), that he's going to hell, that he needs to be alone to get better. He has said he needs me to be his friend again, not his lover. However, he also acknowledges that he's still very attracted to me (and he has no trouble performing), but doesn't think we should continue having sex because I will get attached. He continues texting, and calling. All relationship-talk, or sweetness, or verbal affection is completely gone. It's more generalized chit-chat.
Before, he looked at me with such adoring eyes, I could see how much he loved me. Now, when he looks at me, his eyes look as though they're searching for recognition of who I am, almost like he's unsure of me and who I am and what I think.
This past week, he was an outright jerk to me over the course of a couple days. So much so, and so out of character, that I thought, "Is he pushing me away?" I reached out to him to figure out what was going on, and he was non-responsive. I sent him a text telling him that I felt that he didn't even value me as a friend anymore. No response.
Yesterday, out of nowhere, he texted me and told me that he does value my friendship. In response, I told him that it was good to hear, because based on his behavior, I was wondering if we had any sort of relationship anymore - that I'd gone from thinking he wanted to marry me, to thinking he hated me and wanted me to leave him alone.
His response: "I know. I'm all over the place. I'm sorry."
I love this man with every fiber of my being. I've made it patently clear that I am "all in." But he's telling me and showing me that he doesn't want me to love him, that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Or is he? Is that PTSD talking? Or him?
I guess I just don't know what to do.
