Undiagnosed Not Sure Whether I Should Be Here

[Student12345]

I came across this website earlier while I was panicking and searching for help of some kind as I can't really talk to many people about what's happened.

Long story short I got quite drunk on Friday, and have no memory of the walk home/getting home. The next day my mum sat me down and asked if I was okay. I said yes and was very confused, and she asked who I'd had sex with last night. I laughed and said nobody, and she looked sad and confused and pulled out my underwear that I must have taken off when I got home to put on pyjamas. They were absolutely soaked through with blood and semen (sorry to sound so crude). I was so confused and it didn't sink in at first, and my mum told me that I had turned up at our house at 6am covered in mud with my skirt hitched up. I had felt a bit sore when I woke up but thought nothing of it, and I had bruises all over my legs which I assumed were just from falling over. Mum told me when she came downstairs again at 7am she found me asleep on the sofa with a guy who she didn't recognise, but I spoke to who I thought it probably was (a friend of a friend I had spent the end of the evening with) and he said he had indeed walked home with me and ended back at mine.

I told him everything mum had said, and he denied any memory of having sex with me on the walk home. I brushed it off at first, I was in disbeleif, thought he was so not that kind of guy to have taken advantage so I stuck up for him so much saying there's no way it could've been rape. Mum threatened to call the police but I talked her out of it, rape is one of those things you think will never happen to you so I was in complete denial that it could've been. I spoke to a friend about it and she seemed to side with my mum. My counter argument was that I can't claim it to be rape as I don't remember it happening, it could've been fully consensual.. Or as consensual as it could've been with us both being that drunk.

But now im questioning everything. Im still so sore down there, and there was so much blood and my legs are covered with bruises that just don't seem as though they're from falling over. I'm sexually active and never ever usually experience blood after intercourse. And I remember pretty much the entire rest of the night apart from this happening? My memory comes back at about 7am when the guy is stood in my living room saying he has to leave (i then learnt this will have been because mum had come down and seen him sleeping on the sofa and woken him up).

I really don't know what to do or think and i don't want to get this guy in trouble because for all I know he could've been just as drunk as me and could be being genuine about not remembering it, but I have no idea. I barely know the guy but from what I do know he just didn't seem like the type to do something like that. But nothing adds up and it's got me feeling so weird, it's now been a couple of days since it happened and I feel so anxious and sick and it's the only thing on my mind. I just keep trying to remember what happened but it's completely blank. I keep seeing his face in my head pulling a really sinister face above me but I have no idea if this is a memory or my imagination. I used to quite fancy the guy so thought surely it will have been consensual, but I just can't remember a thing and nothing adds up.

I don't want to involve the police or anything, or tell my mum im worried because she would freak out even more than she did before, but I just want to know how to stop feeling so anxious and on edge and out of focus. I used to suffer with terrible anxiety disorder and depression a few years ago But i don't suffer with it so much anymore, and im worried this may have triggered it to have come back because im feeling how I used to and I can't calm down or sleep or anything.

Sorry to go off on such a rant, but I have no idea what to do or think and could just do with speaking to anyone who may have been in the same situation, or just anybody that could help at all. I just want to feel normal again, and I apologise if anyone reads this and thinks im in the wrong place because im not diagnosed or anything, and if that's so I would be grateful if anyone could send me in the correct direction or who I can talk to

 

[Deleted member 29920]

If you can't remember consenting, then I think that means you were raped. Can you get to your nearest rape Crisis Centre?
Or even just phone their helpline, look on their website, they should be able to help and give the best advice. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
You may be in shock, please take good care, is there someone you trust who can keep an eye on you?

http://www.rasasc.org.uk/?gclid=CKewiePdn8oCFYu4GwodT0ECTQ


http://www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/2482.aspx?CategoryID=118&SubCategoryID=124

 

[Casey_03]

I wish I had something more comforting to say, but the truth is you will probably never fully remember this night, so all you can do is ask friends who were with you to try and help you piece it together -- did you disappear at any point during the night? Or were you seen the entire time with this same guy? I'm just wondering if you could rule out having been with someone else before this guy walked you home. I don't think you should immediately assume it was him if it's possible you were hanging out with other people earlier or if you left him at some point (do you remember the entire walk home? is it possible that you walked home on your own and he caught up with you?) If you know for a fact that you weren't alone with anyone else, or alone at some point on the walk home, THEN you should be looking at him for rape. And in that case, if he denied it, that would lead me to believe that he did something wrong and he knows it. Do you remember when you were with him on the couch? Did you feel weird having him there? Unfortunately, if you were drunk to the point of blacking out, just about anything is possible in this situation. You could have had consensual sex with him and lost all memory of it -- that's what blackouts do. You could have been raped by someone else on the walk home and have no memory of it. You could have been raped by this guy like your mum thinks. It's impossible to really know. If I were you I'd try talking to the guy again but not accusing him of anything, just sort of casually talking about the night to see if he says anything strange, or whether he says he was blackout drunk like you (in that case, yes, it is possible you guys both forgot about it but it was consensual). Also, how has he responded to the whole situation? Did he seem concerned when you said you thought you'd been raped? It'd be a major red flag if he didn't express concern about it ...

 

[Friday]

It's also possible you were raped earlier in the night by a different bloke (or blokes), and then this one walked you home with no sex. That sort of thing happens fairly regularly with date rape drugs. Someone comes around enough to interact with someone passing by, and the passerby sees them home. Still under the numbing effects of the date rape drug, there's not usually a lot of distress, yet.

As yet another brain twister, a really common reaction of many rape victims is immediately seeking sex. To the point that police are trained in most cities to never be alone with a rape victim, less for the victims protection than their own. (Because a person who has just been raped can -& often does- switch from clinging for dear life & sobbing ...to sexual aggressor in a blink! ... Just as a really natural reaction. And whether rebuffed -like with police- or agreed with -like with a friend who doesn't know what happened an hour ago- can switch back just as fast. Really fast reaction switching.). So it's possible, even likely, for rape & consensual sex to happen in the same night. In that order.

Whether blackout drunk & consensual sex, blackout drunk & raped, or drugged & raped (with or without consensual sex before or after):

- STD testing
- Emergency contraception
- Blood test & Urine Sample (after 3 days most date rape drugs will probably be out of your system. Some are out in 24 hours, most are out in 72 hours, some stay longer). So a negative won't prove anything either way, but if it's positive, you'll know for sure that someone slipped you a mickey.

Ideally, also? A rape kit. A rape kit won't convict anyone purely on its own. So it's not like getting one will get anyone in trouble, even if their DNA is present. Semen can live for a few days to a week, so anyone you'd had sex with up to a few days prior will show their DNA... But it will give you numbers (if it's a mixed sample) and if your memory returns sometimes in the next few months, and you were raped? Evidence is on file collected within the first few days, not relying only on memory fragments months or years later.

ALSO Ideally...counseling.

You're right. This may have just been consensual sex in a blackout, that got a bit rough. Your memory may come back & be a totally fantastic memory :) That's my hope for you. If not? See the article on the homepage about 'Traumatic Resilience'.

Hope for the best. Plan for the worst.

 

[Chava]

Sorry this happened. I'd echo what @FridayJones said and get to a clinic/ER asap for rape kit, STD testing, and emergency contraception (if you are not on birth control). I don't know what to say about reporting it unless you can piece more details together (I've been there, blacked out and woken up with missing clothing or bruises, and the pieces haven't come back for me). I don't know if they can blood test for date rape drugs within the following day or not.

PTSD is not a diagnosis made immediately following a trauma because all humans have a traumatized response to trauma. Whether our nervous system can recover from the shock within the following days or months, or not, depends on all kinds of factors. But for right now, getting support for yourself will help you more likely recover from whatever happened.

But #1, you can take care of yourself today by getting checked out by a doc. Hope you're okay.

 

[Justmehere]

First if all, you are doing a great thing by reaching out. In addition to the great advice others have given you, I will add that the sooner you can get counseling, and get any other peri-traumatic support you need, the less likely you will be to develop PTSD later down the road.

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

1. A good place to start is your GP/ doctor. They can refer you to other services/help and everything you say is protected as doctors are required to keep their patients' information confidential. Whether it's physical check up, STD check, or emotional help you need, there are people out there who are so willing to help. Doctors can refer you on, even to the legal side. A friendly caution - your doctor may ask you about reporting your crime. This is just part of their job. HOWEVER if you say that you do not want to report things (i.e. go the police) they must respect your wishes and your wellbeing.

2. A rape crisis centre will be able to give you a lot of information on a lot of things. A google search will reveal nearest ones to you. They can provide a lot of information in a supportive environment about everything. Again, everything will be confidential.

3. Finally, if you decide this is something you want to do, there are the authorities such as the police and prosecution services/lawyers.

4. I notice from your title name that you're a student. It might be wise just to tell your uni, or get your mother to, or perhaps your doctor could provide a note - again how much you say is up to you. This will ease the uni side of things for the time being while you focus on what is really important - yourself.

I really hope you are doing ok.

 

[stressed]

I haven't read through all the comments. I just read yours. I have been a victim of sexual assault many times when I was younger and remember most of it. I read and see advertisements of posters saying to women, "If you are drunk then it's not consent" What happens if you both were drunk? Does that mean you both raped each other? This is a totally serious question and I understand if people hate me. But does he give you any indication he is guilty? Something even small. If you don't remember and he doesn't remember, who says it was even him? He could have been just walking you home. I would go to the doctors, do anything you possible can or need to do to make yourself feel and be better. I would be 100% sure he raped you before destroying people's lives. I know men who were innocent that as soon as the woman said rape they were hung. You are very important and we all have issues that's why we are here. I believe you are a wonderful person and maybe a drug test might say if anyone slipped you anything. There are so many questions. I wish you so much, I know how badly you may be hurting. Know there are people who don't know you wishing and hoping you are better.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/consent-rape-is-this-rape-a6718931.html

Also wanted to add, there is no one "type" of guy who does this - even the ones who seem really nice are still capable of rape.

I would not be worrying about getting him into trouble - what if he does this to someone else.

 

[intothelight]

@Student12345 Welcome! :)

You've received some really sound advise from the other members, and regardless of the course of action you decide to take, you need to at least get checked for STD's and pregnancy.

 

[Lucycat]

In addition to the other replies you have received, if you have kept the soiled underwear that could be useful evidence.

I do hope that you go to a rape centre - regardless of whether you decide to prosecute. You can make that decision later - and it is your decision, but for now you certainly need help and support. It sounds like you have a great Mum who was prepared to discuss this with you. Let her help you.

 

[Student12345]

Thank you to all of you for taking the time to leave me these messages, I have been overwhelmed by the immediate responses which have all been so helpful. I have the implant so pregnancy wasn't a worry for me, but I am going to get checked for STD's now that I'm back at University. As this event took place back in my home town on my last weekend before returning back to Uni, I thought being able to distance myself from the place it happened would make me feel better, but the last two days I've been feeling really awful and panicky. I broke down yesterday and told some of my friends up here who were all very kind about it, but they don't seem to understand how much it's effected me. None of them understand that I don't want to go out drinking for a little while, and some even got annoyed at me for saying I want to stay in and do work, but i'm staying strong as I know that right now some calm and peace of mind is what I need.

@Cj77 thank you for your comments and the links attached to them. I am going to see where my nearest crisis centre type place is as i don't know this city very well. I understand too your point about there not being a 'type' of guy in this sort of situation too. I'm going to have a proper think about what I want to do about this in a few days when I'm a little calmer, as right now I don't think I'd be capable of thinking rationally.

@Casey_03 thank you for your comment. After reading it i started wondering as to whether I could have been alone at any point, as it was possible seeing as I remember so little. I messaged the landlord of the pub/party we were at in my last memory and described the guy that i thought it was - and asked the landlord whether this description matched the guy I left the pub with. The landlord said yes, he was pretty sure it was him. And this is what i'd have expected, as my home town isn't huge and is (I thought) relatively safe. Most of the other people out that night were my friends, real friends that i trust and know would never do such a thing. The guy i walked home with - according to the landlord, and to the best of my memory - is the only person there I didn't hugely know as well as the others. I don't remember him being on my sofa with me, but i remember waking up as he was saying he had to leave. I remember saying to him "no it's fine, you can stay" (and genuinely meaning it I think), but he was acting quite abruptly and kept saying No i have to go. This would seem suspicious... but it could also simply be because he panicked that my mum had seen him there with me and he didn't know how she would react to me bringing him home. I never explicitly used the word 'rape' when i spoke to him about it the next day after mum had told me everything... as i said at this point i was a lot calmer. He reacted quite confused and abrupt, but it was less in care for me, and more him trying to get across how he really didnt remember it. Which he might not have, in which case me telling him we had possibly had sex would have caused him to react in a confused panicked abrupt way like that... but at the same time he was quite calm. He apologised a lot, but i don't know. I don't know him well enough to know if he was being sincere. I might talk to him again but I don't know what else I would say, and right now the thought of any contact with him makes me feel so sick so I don't want to make myself feel any more anxious than i already do at the moment, even if that sounds childish.

@Justmehere thank you for your comment as well. I feel like counselling of some sort would help, as i'm become almost obsessed with it. That sounds odd and perhaps I haven't written that in a good way, but it's the only thing I can think about and all I want to talk about - yet i don't feel comfortable talking to my friends about it in case they think I'm attention seeking or being over dramatic. I'll have to look into how I would be able to find a counsellor of some description, as as i said above, i don't know this city very well so wouldnt know where to start right now.

@FridayJones thank you for your comment. As much as it terrified me to think about, I found what you said about rape victims switching to sexual aggressors fascinating as I had absolutely no idea that was a natural reaction, it's certainly not something I've ever heard. After reading your comment I spoke to the owner of the pub (a friend of mine) and asked who I left with, and he described the person who I assumed it had been.. so although I could never be fully certain, I am quite sure that it is the person I assumed it to be. Not saying he raped me, but that I am almost certain i engaged in sex of some description with the person who I had first assumed it to be. A weird side not to add, is that one really slight memory that came back to me was kissing/being kissed/ something happening (unclear as to how far but definitely something of a sexual nature) someone... and in this tiny memory i am panicking as to who this person is, so grab his face and push his hair back and in half a second don't recognise the face at all, and then suddenly know exactly who it is and feel relieved. I can't even be certain this is a real memory, but it seems quite vivid, i remember the facial expression really well. I am pretty sure the person I was 'relieved' to see after the initial strange face was, in fact, the guy who I believe i 'engaged' in sex with (the one who ended up in my living room, and who i had spent the rest of the night with.) It's very weird though, i have been trying to get my head around it. I will be certain to go and check out the article Traumatic Resilience after I have finished typing this message. I will also call the local GP tomorrow about a rapekit, i didnt know these existed.

@Chava thank you for your comment. I hadnt heard of a rape kit before @FridayJones explained it in his comment, so i will be sure to get on the phone to a local GP or sexual health clinic tomorrow about that and about STD testing (I am on birth control so that's one worry off my mind). I'm sorry to hear you have experienced a similar situation yourself, but thank you so much for your kind words and taking the time to leave a comment.

@I'm not Spiderman thank you very much for your comment. As i've said above in a few other replies i will be going to get STD tested and ask about a rape kit asap. I did wonder about the confidentiality side of telling a GP or doctor of suspected rape, so thank you for calming me by saying that they are not able to disclose such info without your permission. I am also going to google search the nearest crisis centre as I feel it would really help to be able to talk to someone about it in confidentiality. As i said above in reply to someone elses comment, i've become obsessed with it, it's the only thing on my mind and all i want to talk about - yet i don't feel i can talk about it to my friends. I did consider telling my university about it, however i'm scared of the repercussions of it... i;m not sure on their confidentiality policy and wouldn't want a thing like this to get out. But i am worried that my focus will defer from uni as this is so present in my mind, so perhaps speaking to a tutor wouldnt be a bad idea. I think i will start with a GP.

@stressed I completely agree with you!! This is why when my mother said she was going to call the police to say i'd been raped I stopped her before she could, as if we had both been that drunk then why would it be him accused of raping me? I don't intend on reporting the person that I believe i had sex with - whether it was consensual or not i don't think i'll ever know - because I know that sober I would have had sex with this person which is why I believed it must have been consensual, but the blood and bruises all over me were what made me a bit confused and scared. Since posting the initial post I have spoken to some others present that night, and they said it was this person that i left with, so I am relatively sure it was him who i engaged in the act with. However I don't think that with the lack i have of it i have any right to report him. My main concern is stopping myself feeling anxious, and getting myself back on track with normal life. Thank you so much for your kind words and taking the time to leave a comment on this thread, it relaly does mean a lot to see this support from kind strangers such as yourself.

@intothelight I have received some fantastic responses and advice and i am so grateful for all of them. I will be sure to get checked for STDS as soon as possible as i know this is a serious issue.

@Lucycat unfortunately my mother threw the underwear out so that my dad wouldn't see them and get angry and ask what was going on (he wouldnt have taken well to the situation) Mum and I were both panicking at the time so she threw them out without thinking and i had no objections, but i have since been so angry and irritated at myself for not deciding to keep them as evidence. I am going to find my local rape centre as i feel it would be beneficial to speak to someone about how i'm feeling. My mum was very open about it all and willing to talk, however i could see how greatly it was upsetting her. I think this may have been why i was so quick to reassure her it wasn't rape (when really I have no idea whether it was or not). If I continue to feel troubled about it all I will be sure to speak to her, but for now I don't want to hurt her again so will first discuss everything at a rape centre or with a GP. Thank you for your comment and your kinds words.