General Not understanding support role during rage and cognition problem

[JennyJ]

I am just learning now about supporting my spouse after 4 years of fighting back with him about all of his misplaced rage, insults, and distorted replays. That being said, it might be too late as he now has an impenetrable wall of anger up and refuses to discuss anything except my faults and place blame. Something that complicates this is that my husband dies not have a specific dx of cptsd. He visited a trauma therapist four times and it's not known to me if he had an actual diagnosis or not. Initially when he went, he said how relieved he was. The only thing that has ever flu ked for him in his life after exploring mental illness and excessive alcohol use was cptsd. He has read many many articles on this and took time to educate himself. I am also seeing a therapist who is treating me as a supporter of someone with cptsd based on my conversations with her. Things got much calmer and more caring when we both went to therapy but I could also tell how painful it was for him. So he stopped going and any effort I make to discuss it is met with "you are not a Dr. And you are not shoving therapy down my throat". Although i do know that his therapust started treatment with him fir childhoid trauma....and lots if it....before he quit. So here s my first question....everything I read in nooks and here says to "get them help". How does one do this? I can't force and someone has to want it for themselves, but I am at a loss and looking for examples of anything I could say that would be encouraging and supportive to him. I don't know what to say when he says there is absolutely nothing wrong and it's me and he's not spending his life in therapy. Second, how do you support someone who is attacking you, accusing you, and twisting events and conversations around. I am list and looking for specifics. Do you just listen? Do you say that's not true, that's a distortion. Do you say maybe we can talk when things are calmer/better. So basically he's calling me a C, telling me I'm a piece of shot and he wished he never married me, and threatening to cheat on me. This is all usually by text every time. Not respond? Respond with something caring? Tell him this is a moment and we will get through this? I have left the home for a week to try and work on myself and work in some of my resentments toward him and this monster of an illness in our home. Self preservation coupledwith a genuine need to learn how to support him. This has of course led to more anger, more divorce talk, more leave me alone bc he likely feels abandoned. This is a pretty long drawn out question.....my apologies....my first post. I really am just looking for phrases or better ways to respond and need specifics. Do any sufferers have accounts of something their SO said to them that started to make a difference? Do any supporters have something to share that was helpful while there was rage? I absolutely adore my husband and it kills me to think we might have to divorce. It also kills me to know how hurt he was and that this is not his fault , yet I can hardly be around him. Ty for reading and hopefully posting

 

[Sweetpea76]

You're right. You can't make him get help. That's the absolute worst thing about being a supporter. You're helpless. You can't do anything to help or fix your partner, and lord knows, that is all we want to do. You have to make peace with the fact that he is the only one who can help himself. He has to seek treatment, participate in treatment, take his meds, etc. We can't make a grown adult do anything they don't want to do... even if they're miserable, sick, and symptomatic. Even if we can see how much better they are when they're treated, we can't do a thing... no matter how much we want to drag them kicking and screaming to the doctor and make them take their meds like they're prescribed. It's one of those "let it go" things... as you have to let it go. He's an adult and the decision to treat or not treat his illness is his own.

All we can do is support and learn. Learn about PTSD, his type of PTSD, his particular case of PTSD and what his triggers and stress reactions are. Learn to react to his symptoms in a way that is healthy for YOU as well as him.

It sounds like he does a lot of lashing out, which sucks. I feel ya. Mine lashes out too. The only thing you can do is disengage. If you engage it's like throwing gasoline on a fire. It just escalates to hellish proportions. I think we all learn that the hard way. I have a temper, and my first instinct was to tell him to shove it up his ass. That did not go over well, as you may well have found out for yourself. Luckily I stumbled across this forum early on, and learned a valuable lesson.

Walk Away. Do not engage.

He can huff, puff, and call names all he wants, but you do not have to stand there and take it. You are allowed boundaries. "I love you, but I'm not going to stand here and be yelled at/called names/whatevz. I'm willing to talk when you settle down and want to actually talk." Then remove yourself from the situation. Stay calm. He doesn't have a say in whether you leave or not. That's your boundary.

Boundaries are YOUR limits. You're not controlling him, you're stating your limits. It's not "you can't yell at me like that!" It's, "*I* am not going to stand here and be a target of lashing out." That's your limit. He does not get a say. Then it's up to you to enforce it. If you say you're not going to stand there and take it, then you have to leave. Put your money where your mouth is, in other words. Unenforced boundaries are pretty useless.

There may be times when you have to listen to him, like if you're in a moving vehicle or something. Still do not engage. Don't let him bait you. You know what he's saying isn't true... don't rise to the occasion. Distorted cognitions, projection of issues, lashing out, the fight part of "fight or flight"... that stuff happens. It's not OK, but if happens, realizing he's having a stress reaction helps it roll off easier. You can probably tell what a stress reaction looks like compared to what his normal personality is.

It's a learning curve... it takes awhile to get the hang of it. Does my vet still lash out? Yes, but not as much as he used to, and I let it roll off a lot easier now.

Have you see the PTSD Stress Cup explanation yet?

 

[JennyJ]

This was so very helpful to me. Ty for taking the time to post. I don't know what the stress cup is, but I can look it up. Ty. I totally feel less isolated and alone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This section of the forum is full of supporters of people with PTSD... we get it :).

Welcome! It's a sanity saver talking to others who understand.

 

[JennyJ]

It is. As you may or may not know, nobody understands and most everyone wants you to leave and get healthy, although I have only one trusted friend I even confide in if only a little bit. The boundaries thing which seems is more about myself was good for me. Thx again

 

[Snowflakes]

@JennyJ I have gone through everything you have described for 10 years. I defended myself, argued, got angry, got upset......it was a stinking roller coaster and I couldn't get off the ride. I finally arrived here (recently) and took everyone's stories to heart but especially what sweatpea76 just wrote to you.

I'm seeing a therapist to help me cope and have learned to set boundaries. I have learned that love doesn't fix anything and I can't even help her. I can love her and I can support her when she asks but when she lashes out and accuses me, I listen just long enough to say I love you and walk away. Took 10 years to learn that was my ticket off the roller coaster.

Take care.

 

[JennyJ]

Ty very much

 

[Sighs]

I also struggle with losing my temper and simply pouring fuel on the fire. It's so hard not to get angry when you are constantly being accused of being stupid, or called a f*ckwit or told you're useless. Especially when you're actually busting your guts to try and make HIS life easier! I can only second @Sweetpea76 - walk away! (Now to take that advice myself!)

 

[Snowflakes]

JennyJ, I've re-read your first post in this thread. It seems you have, as my therapist said to me on my first visit, reached the end of your rope. And she was right.

I was desperate. I was also torn. Torn because I knew it was an illness and therefore not her fault but I needed to get away. I didn't want to leave my sufferer but I had to escape the persecution.

My wife did leave me but returned. Who knows why and it doesn't matter. I now believe in my heart that there is absolutely nothing in Heaven or on Earth that I can do or say to make it better. That belief helps remove the guilt that I'm not doing enough.

So the change had to come within me. It isn't easy but, if you make the decision to stay, then also decide to not engage and walk out of the room when he lashes out at you. If you decide that you can't take it anymore, especially if he refuses to continue in therapy, then remember you did not have the power to fix another so try to leave the guilt in the past.

Take care of you.

 

[dulcia]

Ditto to everything everyone else said.

nobody understands and most everyone wants you to leave and get healthy, although I have only one trusted friend I even confide in if only a little bit.

I had to stop talking to my friends and family about my relationship, for the most part. Getting my own therapist helped me make that transition.

 

[JennyJ]

@JennyJ I have gone through everything you have described for 10 years. I defende...

Ty so much

 

[Sweetpea76]

Here are some good threads to read @JennyJ. I'm a researcher by nature, so it's comforting to me to read up and get some answers.

The PTSD Cup Explanation is probably the easiest and clearest discription of a stress response.

Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?

Some articles about PTSD relationships Link Removed

A video series that's pretty helpful... it's aimed at the spouses of combat vets, but PTSD is PTSD, and a lot of the advice transfers Link Removed

If you like books, The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy by Diane England is THE starter book for supporters. It has great information about PTSD in general and sections on conflict resolution and communication. A great partner to the PTSD Relationship book is Shock Waves: A Practical Guide to Living with a Loved One's PTSD by Cynthia Orange, which is more about supporter self-care.