Obsessing Over Therapy

[freya]

I notice - for the first time I think - that what is happening to me today may be connected to the PTSD. I'm worried about it and glad about the insight, at the same time.

What happens is that I'm trying to process another session with my therapist/coach. The session went well but a lot was discussed and it was about stuff that really matters to me.
Today I just write and write, making concepts of mail I want to send to the therapist (until recently I'd actually send him ten mails per week, too, and was unable to stop that in spite of his 'complaints').

The thing is we came very close, I think to a better understanding over some issues we've been misunderstanding and 'struggling' over for a very very long time.
I notice that I really feel so anxious and wanting to continue the session and wanting to explain things to the therapist that I have wanted to explain for so long, and caring SO MUCH (too much, obsessing?) over if he's ('finally') going to understand these things I want to tell him.
Obsessing over the relationship with him. Like the relationship with my father was always my first concern (trying to keep him 'happy' and trying, trying, trying (but never succeeding) to get him to understand his behavior was hurting me and that I needed it to stop).

I find myself today beating myself up for 'obsessing' over the session. Being discontent with myself for not being able to just focus on the positive things that happened in the session and the progress I thought there (partly) was. Why this anxiety? Why sitting with the computer all day writing when I should be doing other things, exercise, relax... ?

I have this happen to me so often, almost every session has this result. I'm now thinking that perhaps it's the 'PTSD talking'? Is this anxiety and my inability to handle this part of the PTSD, too? Or am I ... (I don't know... making this up?)

Any thoughts or insights welcome.

Freya

 

[patrick]

Freya,

I don't know if it's the PTSD, but I do know I can spend a lot of time obsessing, some of it over the most unimportant things imaginable. Usually when I get into these obsessive phases, I tend to totally isolate myself, too. I feel like nobody else could possibly understand what I'm going through, and I don't want anybody to see me when I am feeling so bad about myself. The only thing I have found that works for me is to just force myself to get out of my house. At first, it takes every bit of will that I have, and I may only go out for a little while before I have to run back home. But gradually, I am able to go out more often, and for longer periods, and as I reinvolve myself with the world, the obsessive thoughts diminish...gradually.

I don't know if your experience is anything like mine, but the obsessive thinking is one of the things that cause me the most trouble in my effort to recover. I have gotten to the point where I can recognize that I'm doing it sooner, and take action to combat it before it gets worse. There are other, more immediate techniques to address obsessive thought. I believe there might even be something in the information section of this forum.

I wish you the best. The fact that you recognize the problem is the first step in finding ways to overcome it.

 

[2notbedefeated]

You sound so much like me when it comes to my therapy sessions and what I do before and after my sessions. I feel like my T is not understanding and validating my feelings and issues sometimes. I use to write him alot of e-mails too. I was seeing my T 3x a week and in the beginning I felt I needed to see him almost everyday because I was experiencing so much panic inbetween sessions.

I would get so anxious towards the end of a session, because I still had so much I wanted to talk about. It seems to take me almost half or more of the session to finally "get to" my stuff, because I seem to be in a perptual state of confusion and anxiety. I would have such bad "reactions" after my sessions.

I would write alot too. I felt so much intensity and stuff surfacing that I didn't know what to do with the feelings, thoughts, behaviors, or just what to do with myself. Today in session I was so frustrated it seemed he was suggesting things about my issues that I didn't feel were accurate. I have to say though, he is the first therapist I have had where I have been able to share what I'm sharing with you and to do my best to communicate when I feel even the slightest frustration, anxiety, anger, etc.

Anyway I don't have alot to offer, but I do understand some of what you're describing. What I have done is "lay my cards out on the table" being honest and sharing exactly what I'm feeling and/or thinkiing with my therapist. Even to the point of risking the what might result in rejection, abandonment, and/or critcism. I had this ridiculous inner need to please him and have his approval. I don't know if that makes any sense to you or not.

In the beginning I did a lot of obsessing, as you put it, I couldn't focus on anything else. Write, write, write. I did tons and still do. I've only been in Therapy since this past Sept., but I had been seeing him 2 to 3 times a week. Now, though I am down to 2 times a week, which is still barely enough, but I'm trying to make do with that.

However, I have been working hard to try and contain and bookmark stuff inbetween sessions and bring it up only in sessions. I can't say I have been all that successful yet in doing this, but I'm trying. Something that helps is this forum, and trying to find other ways to share my struggles and find support outside sessions.

I finally got into a support group this week for first time after waiting almost 4 months for an opening. I think all these avenues helps me to get stuff out and not "flood" my therapist so much. Anyway, I'm here for you, a may not have an answer, but I can listen.

 

[freya]

Thank you very much, Patrick and 2notbedefeated. I appreciate the things you wrote so much.
Makes me feel like I'm not so much alone.

I can come home from a session feeling okay and more or less content about what went on and next begin to think or write about it and become very negative and obsessed.

I wrote it out in my journal this week and realized for myself that two 'major beliefs' of mine based on my childhood experiences were 'triggered' during that last session.

One was 'I HAVE TO make him (my father, my therapist) see and understand what I mean' (it's more or less a matter of life or death to me).
The other one was: 'My feelings will never be accepted, I will not be heard and understood'.

I tried to work on that a little, trying to write down the reverse of these beliefs, more positive beliefs to try.
I finally wrote down '**I** accept my feelings'. And that one really felt good.
So I copied it in my agenda and try to re-read the next few days.

Also, I think realizing that the obsessive stuff may be part of PTSD and that there is no REAL reason to feel so agitated and worried was helpful.

Thanks again.

 

[patrick]

Wow, those are some major insights. That thing of feeling misunderstood and needing another person to understand can really burn up a lot of thinking time. I tend to rehearse the lines I will use next time I see the person over and over and over......... Let me know how accepting your own feelings works for you. I've been working on that one for a while, without much success. I could use some pointers.

Pat

 

[Jestadud]

Freya

I don't think it's the PTSD, but the wanting to understand what's happening to us makes us impatient. When something we think important comes up during or after a session it's so hard to have to wait till the next session.

For me emails can be more demanding than the phone.

I'm a pencil and paper sort of guy! What I would do was write down or sketch out what came up, then hand them over at the next session.
If there wasn't much we might talk about it that week, but if there was a lot it could be taken away to help next week.
You have the added advantage that you can change your mind about what you show them. Sometimes I've looked at things a couple of day's later and they no longer seem to make sense to me let alone be important.

Jesta