Ohhhh So Horrible, Having To Tell My Therapist About The Trauma

[Hashi]

Thank you so much!

I've been thinking if my session is today, then piratelady's must also be getting close. Hope you're doing OK, piratelady.

I've been through every emotion the last few days. The positive thing is that I feel like the dialectical behaviour therapy skills and other approaches are really paying off now. I'm so much better at either distracting myself or sitting with/processing the feelings. In terms of practical things that I needed to do it's a disaster, and that's a problem, but psychologically I've been managing well. Which makes me feel stronger and safer.

Thinking about talking about the trauma, I feel defiant, which is good. I'm determined to get to the other side of this. I would rather talk about the trauma than live with the anxiety and depression any more. Unfortunately, this kind of defiant mood can make me quite scrappy with my therapist but I reckon that's her problem!

Thank you for thinking of me.

 

[piratelady]

I've been thinking if my session is today, then piratelady's must also be getting close. Hope you're doing OK, piratelady.

For a few days over this past week, I haven't given my upcoming appointment much thought...until last night. My appointment is tomorrow and I am starting to feel anxious again.

I am glad your DBT skills are serving you well! I bet you will do great at your appointment.

If I may ask, why do you feel defiant?

 

[Hashi]

If I may ask, why do you feel defiant?

I find it impossible to feel anger towards the perpetrators of the trauma I'm going to talk about today. There's too much fear, so I don't have anger to fuel my work on recovery. If I was angry at them I might feel like I was taking them on, wouldn't let them win etc. I can't relate to that. At all.

Instead I can sometimes feel defiant, as in defying the effects of the trauma, determined to heal. Instead of falling under with depression, as I often do, I want to fight for myself. :ninja:

I'm glad you managed not to think about it so much. I'm sorry you're starting to feel anxious again now, although that's very understandable. I hope it goes OK tomorrow.

 

[rightkindofme]

I am very angry/defiant. I *am* angry at my perps. Being angry at them has pushed me towards being "successful". Sometimes I feel like I run on sheer hate. It makes my stomach hurt.

I hope you manage to turn your defiance into self-defense. That's a hard hop but a big one.

At this point I have dropped back from doing EMDR with my therapist because doing that multiple times a month meant I was suicidal for most of the month. It's really hard uburying these things. I'm back to CBT. Thank goodness. I am not having good luck with EMDR for my deep, complicated, many layers of crap trauma. It seems to do well for more 'simple' traumas like a miscarriage or recent death.

I think that part of what is freaking me out is: as I move deeper and deeper down the spiral of my recovery I discover more ways that I am "broken" because of things that happened decades ago. How can I ever be unbroken if I have been broken all my life?

Therapy is hard. :-\

 

[Abstract]

really paying off now.

psychologically

Hi Hashi!
That is so wonderful. I understand what you mean here by psychological. I think that is the most important part or it is for me anyway. It is the internal dynamic that helps so much or makes things worse.. More than anything else.

I feel defiant,

I also understand this. I like it when I am in that mode. It is much more energising and empowering than the depressive or other modes. I get much more done. I can also contain it in therapy but that is probably a bad sign as it probably shows lack of trust.

that's her problem!

Ha! Yes. ;) Good for you.

I really hope it went OK today (in the context of what you are dealing with - ie terrible/horrible but survivable). Take care.

 

[Abstract]

My appointment is tomorrow

Good luck Piratelady. Sending you much support. You can do this.

more ways that I am "broken

Remember that realising something isn't or hasn't been right doesn't mean you have all-of-a-sudden become more broken rightkindofme. It rather means that you have new opportunities to heal. And that means life can get better. Sorry it is so hard.

 

[Rumors]

I think that part of what is freaking me out is: as I move deeper and deeper down the spiral of my recovery I discover more ways that I am "broken" because of things that happened decades ago. How can I ever be unbroken if I have been broken all my life?
Therapy is hard. :-\

HOLY COW! I have said those words verbatim!

Why is it that the longer and harder you work the more you realize how F'd up you are? It is a sh*tty reality and quite frankly really p*sses me off! Just realizing that makes me want to quit this whole process. I have to force myself to look down the road far enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then, just as I think I can't discover anything worse about myself, BOOM! I find yet another warped personality defect or some memory that was "there" but I hadn't remembered. Of course they always come at the exact moment that I really couldn't handle anything else on my plate and "it" rears its ugly head.

Oh well, I liked your post because it felt very close to home! Good luck!

 

[Hashi]

OK, I'm going to go way off topic in my own thread. I'm in a mood, so why not.

I am not having good luck with EMDR for my deep, complicated, many layers of crap trauma. .

This is one reason I don't have EMDR. It was devised to deal with single trauma or to deal individually with a certain number of traumas. I know it's been developed further since, but I'm still not convinced about using it for a deep, complicated, many layered mass of trauma. At the very least, I'm not convinced it's any better than other therapies for that. I actually think it's risky for that, though, especially given the doubts over using EMDR when there might still be suppressed memories, which is likely in the mass-of-trauma scenario. Maybe it can help, but that seems like quite a gamble to me.

as I move deeper and deeper down the spiral of my recovery I discover more ways that I am "broken" because of things that happened decades ago.

Then, just as I think I can't discover anything worse about myself, BOOM! I find yet another warped personality defect or some memory that was "there" but I hadn't remembered.

Me too. It seems there's never going to be any end to working on this. My whole life is being traumatised and then identifying that and trying to heal. Whole, entire life.

 

[piratelady]

piratelady, you're holding the torch for us now!

I did it! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Before when I talked about my traumas there was no feeling. I actually got a bit upset today. Then the therapist asked me something and I made a snide remark.

Anyway, it wasn't all trauma for the full 45 minutes. We talked about a few other things too that were a little less difficult. He asked me one question that I wasn't sure how to answer. He asked me how much of my past I wanted to talk about. How do you answer that? I said I didn't know, I just want it to have less of an affect on me.

 

[piratelady]

I am finally able to read through all the posts.

Instead I can sometimes feel defiant, as in defying the effects of the trauma, determined to heal. Instead of falling under with depression, as I often do, I want to fight for myself.

I am the same in that I can't or don't feel anger towards my abuser. I often think that I should, but I just can't. I like your way of thinking.

I'll just have to accept it, get through this time and get back into therapy when I have a job again.

I'm sorry to hear this :(. Do you guys have any sort of work from home options there? Maybe that is something to look into.

 

[Hashi]

work from home options

I think my option is for me to go back to my DBT skills book. Which wouldn't be a bad thing anyway.

 

[Hashi]

I did it!

Well done! It sounds like you/your therapist did a good job of keeping it manageable and not overwhelming. So glad to hear this.

Before when I talked about my traumas there was no feeling. I actually got a bit upset today.

I think the feeling is a big part of healing it. Talking without feeling accomplishes something, but starting to feel as well is another level.

Then the therapist asked me something and I made a snide remark.

I think that comes under the category of "that's his problem". ;)

He asked me how much of my past I wanted to talk about. How do you answer that?

I wouldn't have a clue how to answer that, other than I think I would have to keep talking until it felt like enough.