Relationship Old friendship/new relationship with wounded veteran - please help

[EveHarrington]

Not you... him. He can't handle your emotions.

Agreed! It's so hard for me to handle other people's emotions. If I'm in the right frame of mind I can step up to the plate. If not, I get angry, run away, and isolate.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'll jump in with emotional numbness from the perspective of someone with PTSD.

Is it temporary or permanent?

For me it's temporary, but the length of time that I'm numb can vary greatly.

I have no control over going numb or feeling again. It's like my mind just reaches a point of overload and numbness sets in. Only when I feel safe again will I start to feel.

And to complicate things, I can go numb just toward certain people.

 

[Sighs]

@LittleMermaid - you've misunderstood @Sweetpea76. What she is saying is that a PTSD sufferer cannot handle their own emotions - they feel overwhelmed by them. So, they cannot handle emotions in their loved ones. Especially negative emotions. My veteran cannot deal with me being angry or upset. Does that mean I'm never angry or upset? Of course not. But he generally reacts with total numbness. Which is hard to deal with from someone who supposedly loves you.

Emotional numbing is usually "temporary" but it can last months or even years. And because PTSD is a cyclic disorder it will occur repeatedly. A sufferer here once described it as knowing in her head that she loves this person, but not being able to FEEL that love at all.

 

[Sweetpea76]

As much as I love my vet, I can't always count on him to meet my emotional needs. For example, he's not good at comforting me when I'm upset, or calming me when I'm angry. My emotions = stress for him. Stress makes him shut down.

Like @Sighs said, I still have all my emotions. Healthy people have emotions and emotional reactions, and there just as valid as their partner's with PTSD. However, we cannot count on emotional support from somebody who can't handle their own emotions.

That's a sticking point in a lot of ptsd relationships, and it all comes down to personality. Some people need a lot of emotional support from their partners and some people are more independent in that respect. It's harder to manage if you're the type that needs that support.

 

[LittleMermaid]

As much as I love my vet, I can't always count on him to meet my emotional needs. For example, he's...

@EveHarrington @Sweetpea76 @Sighs Thank you guys... the way you are explaining it makes a lot of sense to me. I can see where a new relationship and dealing with long distance on top of that may have caused certain situations that overwhelmed him emotionally. As soon as things got complicated, he got way too stressed. I remember him stressing out in general over his career, he started having migraines and nightmares again, then the additional trauma happened, and on top of that he now had a gf that had expectations in making a long distance relationship work. I see where that is way too much for him to handle. Even with taking myself taken out of the equation, he had way too much on his plate. So the moment things got complicated with us he shut down emotionally.
It is weird now. Since I left his house unannounced, we have yet to have a conversation about it. Any rational thinking person would have called and asked if I made it home safe or what even happened for me to cancel my flight and go home early. I told him I missed my best friend the other day (that is him) and all he said was "you left me" - then he abruptly ended the conversation. This is the only time he has even brought it up thus far. I feel horrible now, as I did not want to send the message of abandoning him. I was overwhelmed myself in the situation and just felt hurt that he was not giving me any attention.
Looking back everything makes so much more sense now. I feel like @Sighs put it right. He knows in his head he loves me, which is why he still contacts me everyday despite things being SO out of whack between us, but yet he cannot speak about anything deeper than everyday small talk. He cannot address any of our or his own issues, but I know he wants me around, still.
So I will try to be as supportive as I can without being too intimate or personal and pray that with time he will come back to himself. He is doing extensive counseling now. Maybe the distance is for the better for now to give him the space he needs.
I will go back to being his friend and make sure he knows I am always here for him. In the meantime the forum and the books I purchased might give me some guidance in how to handle this situation. Knowing that this is not solely something personal gives me strength and hope. I was in a very happy place before we unexpectedly started dating, so I know I will be fine.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi there. Sorry your relationship is so strained right now. But if you NEED to be top priority in your relationships a PTSD partner isn't for you.

As partners of "sufferers" our feelings and emotions have to be put on hold alot of the time. They are unable to tolerate any kind of stress, good or bad.

PTSD is more than depression and anxiety. It's a mental illness. It's treatable but not curable. You may want to educate yourself a little bit on PTSD. Maybe read around the supporters forum there's alot of great information there.

Good luck!