On People, other people.

[Hopefulphoenix]

I have been in isolation mode again for many months after being in deep depression. And Im trying to make the painful clamber out again.
Last night something happened on an exposure trip; and it brought back all those hopeless, givey uppy feelings again. (which of course aint gonna happen!)
The trouble is I struggle so much with intense fear, which comes from feeling so different from people.
Last night I was very, very brave and went in to collect my daughter from a party. She is 7 and being around alot of children is a big trigger for me as it is. I attempted some smiles and some small talk. Then my daughter point blank refused to come home, to the point where she laid down on the floor- when all the other kids nicely trotted off. Mortification.
I guess as she lived with my husband she is alot more used to behaving herself around him. I felt so stupid and useless and so panicky. Luckily she came in the end but I felt so bad.
I dont think she will act out like that again as we talked to her when she got in, and somebody will have no sweets this weekend.
But I just came in and sobbed.
I feel like I will never feel like a regular adult!! My current world is so different. How it must be to be able to go in a store, ride on a bus and just feel normal. To go to bed knowing you will sleep, without having to deal with bodily paralysis in the morning. To live craving just feeling safety.
I think that with all the hard work we put in there will come alot of silver linings. But I need help here people, how to not feel automatically ashamed? Next year I am going to attempt to get a little part time job, ironically enough I am quite extroverted.
I feel very lonely being so isolated, its compounded by the fact that I live in another country..but its not really that either, coz I felt this way back home. Help!!

 

[FauxLiz]

@Hopefulphoenix there is no reason that you should feel ashamed for how your daughter acted when you went to pick her up. To me it sounds like she threw a tantrum (not unusual for a child even from the most well adjusted non-abusive home life) and was dysregulated. You did what you needed to do, you got out of the house, you picked up your daughter and you survived her tantrum and were able to get home before you fell apart. I am proud of you. You are not stupid or useless and this was a win in my book.

I hope this helps I understand the feelings, having kids of my own they actually did the same thing each at least once in their lives.

 

[GinaB]

It's okay...okay to be human, okay to not have it altogether, okay to not have a perfectly obedient child. You are on a journey to being whole but you're not there yet. I pray you find the beauty in that. There are little victories to be celebrated. And celebrate your differences because those are the things that make us interesting! Isolating too much only makes us center in on ourselves and our problems/flaws. I pray you find relationships so you can bless others and see that they are going through similar struggles. We are not so different from others down deep. Blessings...

 

[Mach123]

Oh yes this is me. Torture the whole time my kids were in school I hated it. I'm still like this but I have someone. That's it. There are a very few other people kind of close but the rest is pretty much like you described. And our adult children of course but I hardly want to deal with them. I can say that right? : ). I feel better though I hope u feel better.