General One Up - One Down. The Best Way To Deal With This??

[Leigh]

Hi all,

As I have posted on the relationship board, I am in a new relationship with a guy with PTSD who has recently had a little 'dip'. It seems as though he is slowly crawling back up again now - which is great and I'm proud that he's pulled himself back up again - but I'm currently taking a bit of a nose dive with my own mental health. When I'm struggling I completely isolate and I know I can be very vicious with my words at times. My main concern here is that if I'm going down, while he's on his way up - if I have much contact with him I'll just pull him back down or completely push him away. BUT - if I let him know I'm ill and need to stay away for a while, I know that will also be a problem for him. He's already admitted (previous to his dip) that he wouldn't know how to cope with my problems and I said (and whole heartedly meant) that he doesn't have to, I have a pretty good support network and can be over an episode within a week (which used to be a 3 month stay in hospital)

So, after all that babbling I guess I'm just trying to ask ... what would be the best way to approach the whole situation? I don't want to set him back while he's making great progress, but i really can't help having my own 'dip' right now, I've been triggered and that's it, I'm fighting as hard as I can but im just so exhausted :-(

Thanks guys,

Leigh.

 

[sisu]

I keep coming back and reading your post - I want to have a great response for you, but I just don't have one. Hopefully someone else will have a solution. I know there are carers on here that also have PTSD. Maybe they will have advice that worked for them.

I just wanted you to know I'm reading and I am thinking about you. Take care.

 

[Eleanor]

Others will correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me that the bottom line here is that you each have to be responsible for your own mental health issues. You can't be responsible for what you don't have any power over, and only he has any power over his own response. So, if it is better for you to stay away for a week (you clearly don't need the extra stress of his being on edge right now) say so, and take care of yourself. He needs to handle his own stuff. He's a grown up, he can handle it, and he's got enough on his own plate.

I know this doesn't match up with some ideas people have about "ideal relationships" but, PTSD moves us out of the "ideal" category pretty decisively. You cope with your triggered state, let him cope with his, don't pull each other in. That seems like a recipe for disaster. At least it is in my marriage - when we are both "down" things get pretty bad, pretty fast, and I don't have PTSD.

 

[ProudWife99]

Leigh - My husband and I both suffer from PTSD and the hardest lesson we had to learn is that, sometimes, we are NOT what is best for one another. IF I'm having an off day and he is having an off day we are no good for each other, we trigger one another, and it gets worse.

IF you need a week, take a week. If he needs a week, give him a week. You have to be what is best for yourself before you can be any good for anyone else. If you were in a long-term serious relationship I was suggest that you both learn how to support one another when you are capable of it, but as your relationship is new I would honestly suggest avoiding situations that are unhealthy for both of you

 

[Leigh]

Thank you very much Sisu, I apreciate your concern, it's very kind of you :)

Elanor, thank you for your suggestion. I can understand what you are saying and it does make perfect sense. I know he is responsible for his own health, as I am my own, but I don't want him to think that I've turned my back on him due to his 'dip', as we have hardly spoke for a few weeks and when he's text me the past couple of weeks he's asked if I'm annoyed with him. I've told him no and tried to be more chatty, but I think he's taking it a little personal (oh the irony - this was me a few weeks ago! haha) I might just have to have a talk and explain a few things I think.

ProudWife, thank you for your thoughts. It's weird as I haven't suffered with a 'dip' for over 18months. I've done really well at keeping myself stable. I just think that current circumstances have piled on top and I'm a carer in so many rolls, family, work, studies etc that I have forgotten to keep on top of my own health. I don't generally 'suffer' with my PTSD, it's minor compared to the Aspergers I live with daily so I am very good at sweeping it under the carpet and as I was diagnosed as a child, I've never EVER thought of learning all about it. I'm sure (hope) he will understand if I talk to him properly.

I guess if he doesn't understand then it'll be doing me a favour - I'm prepared to try to support him, but if this scares him off and he's not prepared to try to support me, the relationship is better ending now rather than becoming toxic and getting all messy later. <--- (does this sound mean?? I really don't mean it like that!!)

Take care all,

Leigh.