Onebravegirl - Complex PTSD

[onebravegirl]

I am one brave girl. I am new to this forum, and actually new to forums in general. I am little confused as to where I may introduce myself or join in any discussion. So far I have been able to read a few posts and find this a place of a lot of love and support. Hopefully once I have things figured out here I will be able to share the same.:Hug_emoticon:

 

[onebravegirl]

Onebravegirl part two...

:hello:Yay! Thank you Anthony...I figures out that this is the place to do intros.
So here I go. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD 6 years ago. Actually a family doctor had mentioned it years before but I just thought it meant I had a tough life and I should get used to it. Looking back now I see that I spent my entire life up to 6 years ago in Survival mode. So, 6 years ago I landed in a psych ward in Toronto. I had experienced my first undeniable flashback/trigger crash. Sometimes I think I even heard a "click" in my head. All it was one simple sentence. My daughter had just died during her delivery. My mother simply said "Get off your ass and quit feeling sorry for yourself". Click.
I was very very fortunate to be admitted into a Women's trauma ward. I was also given an Amazing Physiatrist who specialized in Women's Trauma in an adjacent building. I spent the next 5 years in and out of that Hospital. 1 1/2 years worth of that time as an inpatient. All the while seeing my DOC (she gets capital letters 'cuz she is amazing) three times a week. I am a mother so doing this, making myself a priority was very difficult. But doing this was the only way that I could keep alive. So after 5 years of this and a full year out of therapy here I am. I learned so so much, not just about myself but also from the other women I got to know in the Hospital. They will forever be my brave sisters.I was on many many medications but have not needed any for the past two years. My DOC said I graduated form Trauma therapy. I worked very very hard. I have given myself this past year to just test the waters to see if any new issues would arise, none have. My Doc also recommended that once I felt I had something to share about Recovering from PTSD that I should try a forum such as this. I am by no means all knowing when it comes to PTSD. Every person is unique. There is a Beauty and strength that comes from addressing Trauma. I don't know if anyone here will know what I mean by this. All I know is that I recovered and other people can too. No one told me that, I learned it on my own. I find this sad. So if my being on here can help even just one person feel a little less frightened or help them appreciate their own inner strength a little more, I will be overjoyed. I do not see PTSD as a negative in my life. It gave me the opportunity to learn so much about myself and human nature. I am a better person for having faced it.

 

[Paloma]

Sounds like you have had an amazing 'hero's" journey:thumbs-up Welcome here and I hope you find as much sustenance as you need and the rewards of helping others.

 

[2quilt]

Welcome to the forum and I sure hope to hear more about your healing journey. It sounds amazing!

 

[shiraz]

Hi there, it is always good to be encouraged by success stories - looking forward to hearing yours.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[pebbels]

Hi and welcome to the forum:hello:
I am so happy for you and also look forward to hearing more about your amazing journey:smile:

Peace:Hug_emoticon:

Pebs

 

[ZeroPTSD]

Hi,

You are strong and it is amazing that you survived that kind of loss. Thank you for sharing your story, I just shared mine...it was the hardest thing I have done in a long long time. I know what that feels like.

And also I know exactly what you mean about the "beauty and the strength" that comes from addressing trauma, it is a particular type. I have lost some good friends (they died) because they just did not have it in them.

One,

Zero

 

[dust]

Welcome! Yes, there is amazing strength in getting through trauma, facing it and learning to live with it, I understand that completely.

You have been on a long journey like many of us who have managed to reclaim our lives!

dust

 

[onebravegirl]

Wow, it feels so good to be welcomed here! To tell you the truth I wasn't sure that people would be ready to talk about recovery. There seem to be very few success stories in the hospitals. (AT least where I was)Perhaps it is because some people have just tried to move on. Over the past few years I met so many beautiful people who were all in different stages of treatment. Some were just not ready to discuss recovery. It gets so dark before the light. But I wish that instead of calling the process "Treatment" or "therapy", it would be called RECOVERY. No one ever told me that it was possible to recover, I had to figure it out on my own. I learned that I was not my illness. I think it would have been a smoother ride if someone was around to say "This too shall pass". I feel a sense of responsibility to my fellow sufferers to provide hope and support. Now to just figure out how to navigate this forum!:rolleyes:

 

[anni]

We're all happy to hear about successes along the road. I'm not sure all of us at different points on the road are at different points of 'not' being recovered, or always feeling there's just one darkness before just one dawn, if you know what I mean? It seems such a singular experience, that the best thing that can be done is support and hope. You have coped with crushing traumas and the 'support' word is a good one to verbalize in the forum.
Take care,
Anni

 

[onebravegirl]

When in the dark, things seem so frightening. The longer I spent in the dark the more used to it I became. For a very long time I was so afraid of what might Trigger me next. But gradually my perspective changed. Rather than see PTSD as an enemy, I saw it as an inner voice that was asking me to heal wounds that I had ignored for too long. I learned to embrace each trigger, to listen to the pain and do my best to heal it. Without professional help of course this wouldn't have been possible. But the beginning of recovery for me was when I gave myself permission to be sick, instead of trying to deny or fight it. I call myself a Warrior. But this is not in any way to mean that I fight PTSD. I mean a Warrior in the way of having the courage to face the pain, fears, flashbacks, hypervigilance, nightmares, triggers and responsibilities of healing.

 

[Fantabulous]

onebravegirl,

Thanks for sharing your story! It is easy to see the hope that comes shining through.

I like what you said above, that your PTSD was like an inner voice asking you to heal wounds. That is a nice analogy. Did your therapist take you down that road, or is that just a revelation you discovered in yourself one day? Sometimes I wonder if it would help other sufferers to have that perspective...that their PTSD is a voice asking them to heal (instead of something to always fight against). I do have a Masters that trained me and qualifies me to be a therapist (but I don't currently work as one), but I was never specifically trained on PTSD. Come to think of it, I don't remember talking about it much at all in classes (I got my Masters in 2000).

All of this to say, thank you for your perspective!

Fantabulous