Opposite sex: therapist - client relationships

[Butterflies2023]

My experience suffering from past history as toddler (incest abuse and parental abuses) - then spouse abuse ... Reeiving therapy from the opposite sex was not a good experience towards the end of 5 years of therapy. The last obstacle to overcome in therapy was not achievable.

That last obstacle was establishing a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. Why wasn’t this achievable for me? Perhaps it had much to do with the T not having the skills or having the skills and choosing not to use them to assist me in moving through this problem of mine and as it relates to transference and countertransference.

It works both ways. And me getting hung up on this problem is understandable but after investing 5 years with this T ... I was not looking to start with a same sex T to work through this problem.

The T should have recognized his countertransference and changed his therapeutic style and guided me through this infatuation with him and then proceed to work with me on establishing healthy future relationships with the opposite sex.

I am completely disappointed because this Problem - feeling comfortable with and trusting men has been my life story and I feel I am destined to grow old alone.

I will no longer be meeting with my T - (my choice) because he cannot or chooses not to help.

Will add that I know I am correct in saying through out the5 years of therapy my T enjoyed the transference and countertransference

 

[Stephernovas]

I stopped reading at 'why isn't this achievable for me?'...

It's has yet to be achieved. Don't take the potential away simply because you have yet to do this. Maybe it takes longer. Maybe it needs a different therapist. Maybe you need to learn something else before this stuff clicks for you. Whatever you do, don't take your potential away from yourself. The opportunity is there, you simply haven't had the right elements in place yet.

 

[Friday]

I think one of the foundational things ABOUT healthy relationships... is that we don’t get to form them with everyone we want to.

No matter how much in love we are with someone, nor how much we love them; no matter how much we might respect someone else; no matter how much we might like someone; no matter how deeply / truly / badly we want a healthy relationship from any specific individual? It’s not just about the wanting. It takes 2 to tango.

- We have to be willing/able to have a healthy relationship
- They have to be willing/able to have a healthy relationship
- The two of us together have to decide AND act upon that towards each other.

TBH recognizing that your former therapist isn’t someone you CAN have a healthy relationship with? :tup: Is actually a damn good sign that you yourself could be able to have a healthy relationship. Recognizing when something isn’t happening, and not trying to force it (or clinging on against all reason, like in abuse) is as important, if not more so.