Problems working with a therapist of the opposite sex. Help!!

[Hopefulphoenix]

Im sharing here issues that are already coming up in doing trauma physiotherapy with a male t, already after 4 sessions. I really want to continue if possible and thoughts about having to quit with him are making me really depressed. But! At the same time it feels impossible in my mind to get past what came up in the last session. Im really hoping someone has experienced something similar and can offer advice.

Ok. First of all honesty. Im pretty isolated right now. I mean its a work in progress but I just see my husband, kids and my therapist plus a few others. This dude is kind, young, friendly and fun and .. cute. Im married. Its nothing like I want anything,but the whole different sex thing is out there. Things can get confusing in my brain if someone is kind and makes me laugh and gives me validation.

Anyway he is teaching me, if its even possible to be friends with my body. He is teaching me to do a mental body scan, for some reason just the simple act of being in my body unleashes loads of repressed childhood memories. Its upsetting. His deal is to use my attention to feelings in my body to bring me back to the present.

The whole thing is so far pretty unpleasant. He says Im doing great and it takes a long time for the body to relearn safety.

Yesterday I went exhausted after a session with my other t and a heavy heavy trigger week with alot of on off depression. I got triggered and he held his hands out to me and asked me to push back and concentrate on feeling my hands. Omg. I hardly ever even touch my husband as I am so skittish. It felt just wrong to me. Like way too intimate whilst im in the middle of a flipping flashback. So I freaked out even more and just went really red. It sounds like nothing, but I felt so mortified. Like I had lost all my self respect.

At the moment Im a bit chubby and just dress casually. Jumping around in his office and stretching etc just makes me feel so much shame, about my body and self esteem. I just feel I didnt used to be like this. I didnt used to have almost agoraphobia, I had friends, I was thinner and dressed pretty. I was, to some degree sure of myself.

I dont know why none of this comes up with my main T. Is it that I want to impress him somehow? Prove that im likeable even though Im in this mental swamp so much of the time? I dont know. I am incredibly confused.

 

[Mach123]

I know women often say they can't stand other women. Which is fair enough. But what you're saying is impossible just reading it I'm like, upset and how are you ever going to work towards the really hard stuff if you're already feeling like that?

I have to see a woman therapist? I saw a guy for about 4 years I liked him he was a nice enough guy and degrees by the bucket but, I just can't do this stuff with men, it doesn't work. Talking to another man about what happened to me is just like no. My therapist has encouraged me about being around men and groups and stuff and I have to be honest I laugh at her? Its just a question of probabilities you know? I was a business major and statistics interested me for some reason so I actually retained some of it. A woman is probably not going to make a move on you. That's it. She can and she might but the probabilities are in your favor she won't.

There's more but you'd probably be better off with a woman. That's my opinion. I'm sorry I know how difficult finding a therapist and leaving a therapist is.

 

[Friday]

Ok. First of all honesty. Im pretty isolated right now. I mean its a work in progress but I just see my husband, kids and my therapist plus a few others. This dude is kind, young, friendly and fun and .. cute. Im married. Its nothing like I want anything,but the whole different sex thing is out there. Things can get confusing in my brain if someone is kind and makes me laugh and gives me validation.

When I was married I simply pretended all the men I knew were gay. I didn’t tell most of them, that. Although it was a BIT hilarious when it came out at parties and such, because I didn’t hide it, either. (And married couples who know each other really well, all sitting around drinking & BBQ’ing, the topics of marriage will always come up, eventually. I’m not gay! Yes. Sorry. You are. Your husband is gooooorgeous, though. Great tits. Super sexy mind. Delicate features. Well done. You clearly married up.) Point being... I was Free to look and appreciate -just like in a museum, the art is meant to be looked at, not nipped off a wall and taken home- but that’s as far as it goes. It was a very effective Down, girl!

This might not help you? But I was always rather surprised most people didn’t do so automatically, until I remembered I didn’t come up with this one my own. One of the first weddings I ever attended the parents of the bride welcomed their son in law to the family with the whole “Our family has grown by one, but your family has just grown infinitely larger... as every other women in the world.... Is. Now. Your. Sister. “ :hilarious: So I had a helping hand in reclassifying however many billion men were on the planet that I didn’t happen to be married to.

It really did help.

I dont know why none of this comes up with my main T.

It could be as simple as it being a different situation. Instead of sitting in one place exploring the past? You’re moving and paying attention to your body, and there are strong emotions/sensations involved, and it’s very present. That could be enough. Even if he was 102 and hideous and not funny or encouraging at all.

Adding all the other factors involved? Sexual abuse, wanting to be with your husband (or not), stress & stress relief, trauma & swirling chemicals in your bloodstream, redefining boundaries/ thoughts/ ideas/ norms... TBH... I’d be surprised if you weren’t turned on, at least in the beginning. It makes perfect sense that you would be. I also don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. One of those, this can happen and can be moved past no harm no foul, life things.

I’m not saying you should stay, just that not all feelings you disagree with have to be run from. Sometimes, the important piece IS the disagreeing. Other times, nope! I’m dealing with too much other crap for this bullshit.

Shrug. So I think it could work out brilliantly, in either direction. Depending on where you are, and what you need/want. Being up for a challenge? Needing some distance? Both are totally acceptable places to be in.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm not going to lie. My previous therapist was attractive as hell, and I noticed it. And I had to talk about sex with her. And my sexual organs. And sex acts. And my sexual abuse. A lot. Constantly. And so on. Etc. etc.

The way I dealt with it was, first, to remember that I was married. Am I the kind of person that would flirt, much less instigate anything else with anyone other than my wife? No, I am not.

Second, I wanted to continue to have a professional relationship with my T, and no other kind of relationship. Would I flirt with a co-worker? No, I wouldn't. So of course I wouldn't do the same with someone else I wanted to have a professional relationship with.

Third, I remembered that transference is a real thing and it happens. I didn't have to beat myself up over having a crush on her. She was an attractive woman who cared about me. It might have even been a little strange NOT to develop a crush on her under those circumstances.

Lastly, I didn't consciously pick a woman who was the same age and gender as my abuser during my abuse to be my therapist ... but that's what happened, and it really, really helped out in that way, especially because I DID have to talk about sex constantly. (Maybe that part won't resonate with you. But maybe it will with others.)

Bottom line: you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your mind and body are working the way they should, and you are a trustworthy person who respects boundaries. It's ok.

 

[grit]

Imho
One of the main reason this sort of thing pops up is pure fear.
I recommend you tell your t you have some hang up over the gender thing. U can put it in a way that shows your reservation and your cognitive awareness of this being some distraction to get the real reason you came to therapy going.
I feel by having a male t, your marriage will improve, any sexual energy has to go somewhere and guess what? That is maybe the least of your issues. (-:
The other thing is therapy is learning how to be more you... So nothing wrong with saying why u r feeling this?
He may disclose something to you that may completely take you by surprise and bring you back to reality.

U need to say out loud to yourself that he is not into you and never wiil be. A good healthy therapist regardless of gender DOESNot do harm.